


And All That Could Have

by ruruie



Series: Love Lost, Love Found [2]
Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I think I got people too cozy and I'm about to punch my readers in the face and I'm so sorry, References to Depression, References to Suicide, Slow Burn, Vaginal Sex, again CDPR can't stop me from making my own endings, also might seem like we're back with soft Johnny but don't get comfy, change ain't easy, cyberpunk typical violence incoming, how we do cure brain rot folks? slow burn for the soul, not sure how slow the burn will be but it'll be more than a one shot, nothing too crazy though, post canon ending because I'm still pissed over the canon ones, sexy times are in here just know that skjfdsdlkfjl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:47:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 63,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28300368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruruie/pseuds/ruruie
Summary: Johnny Silverhand is given a third shot at life, back in his own body. V, forever grateful and hard working, helps him adjust to life back on the surface. Shit ain't easy, it is Night City, but that's to be expected. What neither party did expect was a shift in dynamics.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/Female V
Series: Love Lost, Love Found [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107218
Comments: 724
Kudos: 1186





	1. Adrift and at Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Well, well, well. Look where I've come crawling back to. If anyone wanted to know what a burnt-out, unemployed English major looks like. It would be me. And Johnny Silverhand became my muse for the month.

To return to the void of data and numbers was alright by Johnny. 

He had his shot, said his piece, lived life once more in a way he never imagined. To be sent back to the space that held him prisoner for 50 years was fine. He had a new life to reflect upon, one that wasn’t his. Sure, he formed new memories within it, changed, likely for the better, but it was never really his to own. He was just glad he got to experience the world through new eyes. Selfless, martyred eyes. 

Only thing that made him hurt was that he couldn’t speak to V anymore. Tell her how she’d changed him. Tell her that he was okay with being here, content with his lot in life. Tell her that the only reason he wasn’t filled with vitriol and hatred was because she taught him how to properly channel it all. To make her proud. Thinking on it, he’s glad he changed her too. Made her more selfish, allowing herself to take time to rest between giving it all to people who just took and took. People who were like the old Johnny. 

Can data laugh? He wanted to laugh. 

Laugh about how fucking sad it was he’d never see her, mask the pain of that. But also laugh about the time she called him Robert, making fun of a very traditional name for a very unorthodox man. Laugh about all the inside jokes they made during their time together. 

They adopted a cat.

He wondered how Nibbles was doing. Probably fine, he guessed. V did most of the care for that hairless thing, so his absence wasn’t going to hit the cat that hard. But how hard would it be for V? She made this whole big deal about how this was a big step for them coming to terms with each other. Even if two friends adopt a pet together it was seen as a big milestone. 

V used to hum all the time. 

Johnny wasn’t sure if she did that before or after he implanted himself in her brain, but he loved the sound. She hummed songs from her childhood, all of them sad. Her music taste as an adult was influenced by that stuff, always things that reminded him of tears and heartache. Nothing like the angry screaming he did. Over time he did see his influence though, her humming songs from Samurai, or songs Johnny had long forgotten about from his youth. The 1990’s was an age filled with a wide range of songs, but she still always picked the sad ones to hum. Never lyrics, always humming. But, Judy was right. Girl had talent. 

Can data miss things? Because Johnny sure fucking did. 

Should be happy, too. He chose this willingly. His life for hers. But just because he came to terms with this whole thing doesn’t mean he was happy about it. Can’t even see Alt, her AI devoid of emotion. Damn he was lonely. Damn he missed V. 

When he closed his eyes, he thought of everything that happened during his final day in Night City. Both final days. And he was so glad he had a friend by his side the second time. When he would open his eyes, he’d just look around and feel empty. So he kept them closed. A digital sleep for a man who was doomed never to die. If he could come back a third time, he’d destroy the Mikoshi data prison to avoid anyone else having to go through this. V would probably hate him for doing so, but she’d live. Bombing this damn corp for another woman. Damn, felt like that fucking movie. What was it? Right. Groundhog Day. Eyes still closed, Johnny tried to will himself keep them shut, not wanting to face the reality of his situation again just yet. 

But maybe he should open his eyes. He feels cold and wet, and that’s not right. He also felt his left arm missing, which yeah, the original one was long gone, but he always felt the metal one. And now it was gone. Fuck, probably the data space playing tricks on him. 

Things were getting stranger. Time didn’t really exist here, and he wasn’t sure how long he had his eyes closed for. But now his fucking arm was back. Still wet and cold, but the arm was there. Shit, no wonder Alt lost herself in this place. Even Johnny, who had a really strong sense of self, was losing his shit. 

It was getting colder, like being put on ice. Something in him flashed to Sandra Dorset, V pulling the woman from the frozen water, half dead. He also thought about when he and V first contacted Alt, and V had to be submerged in that cold, cold water. Or when she went diving with Judy, and he was not fucking happy about being back in a dark space. 

Okay, time to open up. Reorient himself to his surroundings to remind himself of where he was. Who he was. 

But his eyelids didn’t open immediately. Instead, it felt like he was in a fog, the hazy feeling of being under anesthesia. Another sensation he hated, the botched job on his arm a testament to that. Fuck the VA and their doctors. Damn that water was cold, though, and Johnny had to open his eyes. This data was not gonna suck his soul one more fucking time. 

Blinking, something wasn’t right. Things were clear. And there were actual shapes and objects. Tubes and monitors, soft music, and a man’s gruff voice talking to another that was so spaced out it made Johnny want to roll his eyes, and the sensation of the fucking cold water. Haze still there, he wanted to say “the fuck is with this?” but that’s not what came out. Regardless, the occupants of the room crowded around him, hushed tones and medical lingo filling his ears. 

Injected into an IV tube, the syringe pumped something in that made him perk up a bit, taking in where he was. Vik’s. That gruff voice was the modern Prometheus himself, resurrecting yet another victim from the dead. Should have changed his last name to Frankenstein. Misty, the softer voice, helped him sit up, guiding him from the tank he was in, the cold water dripping from his body. She towel dried him before slipping him in some loose clothing, ushering him to a near by bed. 

Still groggy, he thanked her, uncharacteristic, but that’s all he could muster for the time being. More drugs were placed into his IV, and shortly he returned to the world of the living, brain fog clearing and his mind able to think. Searching, he didn’t find what he was looking for. 

“Where’s --”

“V? At home, resting.” Vik didn’t even give Johnny a chance to fully ask, but there was no need. He knew. “Didn’t just have to bring you back, Johnny. Had to do some experimental stuff to get her back up and running too. That Relic did a lot of damage, and she’s damn lucky she had her own engram shoved inside another Relic to eat the rest of her brain.” Johnny’s skin crawled, unsure about how he felt about V going through that shit again. 

“Alright, answers that. What about me?” Taking stock of his own state, Johnny looked down at his body, checking to see if it was his original form. To his surprise, it was. Tattoos still in their proper places, scars and blotchy patches of skin all accounted for. Rubbing his face, it was clean shaven, but stubble was forming in all the right spots. His left arm had a metal prosthetic on it, different than the original, but hey. All the rest was still there. Well, maybe. Tempted to check, he lifted up the waistband of his pants, impressive cock all but accounted for. Even the piercing he got on a drunken night out. Definitely his original body. 

“Done checkin’ your junk there? I’m not sure how I got your body outside the fact a bunch of Nomads and V brought it to me. Started barkin’ a list of commands at me. Had to replace the arm, though. Shit was busted to Hell and back.” Vik checked some monitors before he got to work unhooking Johnny from the string of IVs and leads. 

“Who was barkin’ orders? V or the Nomads?” This question made Vik laugh, and the sound made Johnny smirk, his first real accomplishment of his third life. 

“Both. The loud one, anyway. Think her name was Panam? Seemed close to V. Panam started rantin’ and ravin’ about how I needed to fix V with the engram they had. V started spewing shit about how I needed to save you first, acting like I couldn’t multitask. You’ll have to ask them how they got the stuff, though. Didn’t have much time for chit chat before I had to get to work.” Patting Johnny’s shoulder, he took a deep breath in, staring down the man. “Speaking of V, you better go see her. She’s been on bed rest for over a week, in a coma the week before that, and went through a hell of a ride the month before the coma. She’ll need a friend.” 

The ripperdoc was right. She would need a friend. Johnny needed a friend. Maybe things would be different now that they weren’t connected, but he liked to think they could just pick up where they left off, the nonstop chatter returning full force. Too bad he couldn’t project his thoughts into her anymore, that was always way easier than trying to find the right words to say.

“Misty’ll take you to her. Probably got the car ready. Now get out of my shop. You’ve been scaring away customers for a while now. I’d like to get paid some time this year.” Vik was never the warm and fuzzy kind of guy, but neither was Johnny. He left, muttering a “thank you, man” and nothing more. In the car with Misty, he was silent, unsure of what to say to her. Something about this whole thing felt off, like a piece inside him was missing. Maybe it was lack of anger at the world right now, actually grateful for another chance to shoot his shot. Maybe it was not having V there to reassure him. 

Doubt was setting in where confidence once stood. It was a strange thing, feeling something for the first time in a while. Would V actually be happy to see him? Maybe having her out of her head gave her some clarity about what kind of bastard he really was. Rogue certainly said those 50 years apart did that to her. Sure, when they were saddled together she could have ignored him, pretended he didn’t exist, but it’s pretty hard to always ignore an intrusive thought. He knew that. When the drugs he used in the past muted those thoughts in him he didn’t want a return to form, using the drugs as a way to self medicate in place of getting some actual help. Maybe in this life he’d finally go to fucking therapy. And she could have lied by saying she didn’t hate him. She was strong willed enough to ignore her own brain. But probably not...He didn’t think. Maybe she would be happy. Fuck, he didn’t know, and V wasn’t there to tell him to get his shit together. 

“V misses you, Johnny. She’ll be glad to see you.” Misty’s words made him smile, facing the window of the car so the blonde wouldn’t see. “Sure ‘bout that? Did basically kill ‘er. Not many people wanna see their brain parasite once it’s removed.” 

“While true, is V ‘most people’? I’d say she’s not. All she talked about for a while was how sad she was you were gone. We knew you’d wake up soon, but we didn’t wanna tell V yet, try and save the news. Funny, you know what today is?” 

“Nah, haven’t looked at a calendar.” Tone harsh and sarcastic, he didn’t mean to be a dismissive jackass towards Misty, but he still didn’t feel right in his own skin, having to actually come face to face with the world again. Still unsure if V wanted him around.

Misty giggled, parking the car in the garage of V’s shitty apartment building, and Johnny felt lucky Misty was a kind soul. “It’s her birthday. I was gonna tell her you were close to waking up today as a present, but I think the real deal is so much better. You always have some great timing, Johnny. Keepin’ tempo with the world.” 

The elevator ride up was pretty odd, used to just leaning in the corner and talking shit about all the ads in the box. Now, he had to lean against Misty, walking still a little troublesome, especially in something that made normal people a little off kilter. Walking to her apartment door was even worse, the sights and sounds so familiar to him, but were so different through his own senses. He didn’t have fond memories of the piss-soaked halls or the yelling of neighbors, so they were an instant shock to the system. 

Standing outside of V’s door, he remembers the nights where she was too tired to make it through the threshold, having to force herself to make it to bed and not pass out in the hall. He wanted to bail, say some rude shit to make Misty throw him over the railing of the building, or at the very least run away as fast as he could. How could he face V? In the Net and when he first woke up he was so sure he’d want to see her, talk about memories with her like an old friend. Now? He wasn’t so sure, nervous that she would reject him like all before. 

If he had to pick another time he felt such a tempest of emotion, it would be when he found Alt’s dead body. 

But he didn’t have a chance to take action, Misty opening the door and dragging him inside. The place had changed slightly, and he almost wanted to chuckle at the addition of some Samurai posters and bootlegs she had acquired.

“Hey, V. Happy birthday. Got a special present for ya! And no, before you ask, it’s not a tarot reading.” 

V’s soft laugh made Johnny smile, that sound so much more carefree than he heard it before. “Awww, Mist, woulda loved a reading. But, sure, I’ll take what ya got me. You’ve always been a good gift giver.” Misty clapped her hands, excited for sure. Taking that as his cue, Johnny cleared his throat, stepping into view. Sliding into his normal state, he mustered up the cockiest grin he could. 

“Sup, choom. Long time no see.” 

Like in slow motion, Johnny saw V’s face go from shock, to overjoyed, to tearful, all while she jumped up from the bed and dashed over to him. Catapulting into his arms like she was competing for the Olympic games, she tackled him into a hug that knocked them both to the floor. Sobbing, she held his face in her hands, babbling on and on about things. Johnny couldn’t hear the words. 

He was too busy crying.


	2. Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone order some pining? No? Well here, it's on the house. 
> 
> Also, each chapter will be told in shifting perspective, stories told from the POV of either Johnny or V. Each will follow the same linear path, but I figure that it would be fun to show the two sides of the same coin.

Even though it was V (with help from Panam, of course) who pulled Johnny’s body to Vik’s, it was still strange to see him in the flesh. No longer did he seem to fizzle in and out, his voice always clear as he spoke. Hell, she could reach out and touch him and the sensation wouldn’t fade away after a few moments. His voice had an echo when he spoke too loudly, and he could pick up a glass of water and drink it. 

It was fucking weird. 

Misty left shortly after their tearful reunion, Johnny recovering much quicker than V, who cried into his shoulder for a good 30 minutes after Misty’s departure. It wasn’t that she ever lost hope, but she was seriously starting to doubt whether or not their harebrained scheme would actually work. V was still suffering under its side effects, so to think Johnny actually woke up, seemingly fine, here on the other side was fucking whack. 

“Now that you’re done with your blubberin’, care to explain how I’m even sittin’ here?” Johnny’s question was appropriate, after all, especially since the last time they spoke there was no possibility of Johnny returning to the flesh. To be here at all is a miracle in itself. 

“Man, it’s a long story. You ready for it?” Johnny nodded, reclining back on the couch like he always had. This time, however, V could hear the cushions shift and see Johnny breathe in and out as he sat there. Such human actions for someone previously so...not human in any capacity. Physically, mainly, but emotionally too at first. “Alright, it’s pretty weird story, gonna go ahead and light up a cigarette for the journey?” Johnny barked out a laugh, shrugging. 

“Wanna hear somethin’ fucked up? I don’t crave one.” 

V bit her bottom lip, twirling hair around her finger. “Yeah...that’s...I’m not surprised. Maybe I should just explain.” Clearing her throat, she began. 

“Alright, last time we saw each other, we got Alt to help try and separate us, yeah? Shove you outta my head and back into the Net with her. Successful, all things considered. Still had to keep the actual chip lodged in my damn brain to keep me alive, but you...you weren’t there. Spent a few days depressed as shit, sleepin’ on Judy’s couch. Then, I get a call from Panam tellin’ me to pull it together. Said she had some leads. On what, I didn’t know yet. So I picked my ass up and basically crawled over to the Badlands. And, man, Johnny, what I heard when I rolled into the camp, it made me almost shit my pants. Literally.” Another round of laughs filled the room, and V took this chance to drink some water before going on. 

“Not sure if you ‘member Dakota or not. Fixer in the Badlands? No? Why am I not surprised. Anyway, everyone always found it fuckin’ weird that all the static Nomads stay in that specific garage. Like, shit, can’t move location? Figured out why. Well, Panam figured it out. Called in some favors, talked to Dakota, and wham bam, thank you ma’am, I’m being escorted to a secret Nomad lab under the fuckin’ thing.” 

Johnny’s face was one of disbelief, and she hadn’t even gotten to the strangest part. “You’re tellin’ me that the Nomads have a secret lab under that beat up fuckin’ garage? Well fuck me.” 

“Ask Kerry or Rogue nicely and they might.” God she missed teasing him. “And guess what was the pride and joy of this lab?”

“Some big ass rat.” 

“That’s not a nice thing to say ‘bout your body. Kept it together pretty good too. Stasis tank was top notch.” That stunned Johnny into still silence, taking in what she just said. 

“So, all this time, 50 fuckin’ years, and my body was kept on ice in the bottom of a Nomad garage in the middle of the desert. And ‘Saka had no idea? I’m not buyin’ it.” V got up to refill their water glasses, hearing Vik in her mind yelling about how she needed to be hydrated. He was right, but she hated how much it made her pee. 

“Yup to both. Way it was told to me, once Smasher dumped your body in the oil field, ‘Saka wiped their hands clean. As far as they were concerned, they got what they needed from you, and your body was just a vessel. And since it was on Nomad territory, it was theirs for the taking.”

“Like takin’ out the trash, then having some dumpster diver pick it up.” His voice sounded hurt, and V could actually do something about it. Her hand rested on his shoulder, squeezing it softly. “Hey,” she whispered, “don’t think of it like that. Ain’t trash to me. And did you a solid. Wouldn’t be here now if...”

“If they gave me a proper burial...I know.” Soft smiles exchanged, V went on. 

“So, uh, this is where it gets real fuckin’ weird. Nomads said it was theirs, right. No idea why they kept it, but I didn’t give a shit. So, Panam and I found the body, but we couldn’t take it yet. Needed your engram back again in the first place. So, we had to contact Alt. Meanin’ I had to go back to the fuckin’ Voodoo Boys. I won’t bore you with that shit, but Alt gave us the engram, gave me the code to give to Judy to create my own engram, and that’s when the real fun began.” Rubbing her temples, she tried to will down an incoming headache, knowing it was getting close to when she needed to take another round of medication. 

“Judy got my engram created, uploaded onto another Relic chip using the design from Hellman. Panam picked up your body with the help of her clan, don’t ask me how because that lab was fortress, swung by and picked me up, then we went to Vik’s.” Groaning, V had to pause, trudging over to her bathroom. Digging around in her medicine cabinet, she downed two pills, slowly making her way back to the couch.

“Look, all this shit ‘bout my body is real interesting, but this part of the story I know. Vik told me...Care to explain why you still look like death warmed over?” Concern was clear in his voice, and when V looked up at him she saw it plain on his face as well. Grabbing a blanket from the back of the couch, she wrapped it around her shoulders.

“What? Concerned you’re gonna get saddled with the same fate? Nah, you’re fine. You slept through all this shit. I didn’t get so lucky. Practically begged Vik a week ago to put me back under.” 

“Ever consider that I ain’t worried about myself for once? Think that the Relic erased all the shit we went through? Watchin’ you wake up each morning – puke up blood. If this is a repeat, I’m about to go back in and...do somethin’! Dunno if I --”

“Johnny...I’m alright.” V sighed, oddly touched he was already ready to go burn down the city for her. Told her that he was still the same old Johnny she had grown to know. “Just got a massive headache. Shit doesn’t malfunction as bad since it’s my own engram, though it ain’t a smooth ride. But I’ll be fine.”

Johnny huffed, clear from his body language and face he didn’t believe her. It was weird, not hearing him call her on her bluff like he usually did. But that was okay. She knew him well enough to know he was doing so anyway. 

“The Relics. Gotta explain somethin’ now that you know where you came from. When Alt separated us the first time, a full separation wasn’t possible. And when Judy made my engram, bits of you were still in my head. Bits of me are still in yours. Probably why you don’t wanna smoke. Probably why I woke up with this stupid fuckin’ urge to scratch my nonexistent balls. The Relic rebuilds the brain. That’s why if you rip it out once the process starts it shuts down the whole system. And that mighta been the worst part, actually. When Vik removed the original Relic, I flatlined for a while. Then...I had to wait for it to rebuild my own brain...Learned somethin’ real interesting.” 

V hated recounting this part, but having Johnny here, soft, dark eyes on her, she felt like she could. “Didn’t tell anyone this part...and fuck, man, I’m so glad you were out for this part...Wished the coma from the middle stages took me in sooner...the Relic produces the hallucination of the personality on the Relic. It’s why I saw you...And when it first...” She didn’t know she was shaking until Johnny’s hands gripped her arms, rubbing them up and down gently. 

“Choom, you don’t have to --”

“I do...I need to tell someone. Get it off my, chest maybe? Fuck, I dunno. And, shit...You’re the only one I trust enough. Only real choom I got in this city right now that won’t blow this part off or be burdened with it. Only one...only one who knows first hand what I’m about to say. My construct, any construct, it rebuilds a person from the ground up. But it starts with the worst parts of a person. It’s why you threatened to kill me when we first met. Why you were such a dick almost the entire time. Had to relearn how to be a full person. Mine...mine kept tellin’ me…”

She didn’t have to go on, didn’t need to. Johnny knew what her worst traits were, and thinking about them again was rough. The worst voices in her head, the ones that blamed her for everything, told her she deserved to suffer, that she was the reason everyone around her was dead. That her friends hated her. That the only person who didn’t really, truly, hate her was trapped back in the Net, all because she was too much of a pussy to keep him around. 

“V, this ain’t a good way to spend a birthday. Tell me ‘bout somethin’ else.” The day felt like any other to her, really. But she did suppose it was pretty special. After all, she got Johnny back. All that weird, hard work paid off. 

“I can manage that. First, Judy told me that when you’re up to it, you need to give her a call.” V stood up and went over to her window to look out onto the city. Johnny joined her, an arm slung over her shoulder, allowing her to rest her head on his. She never took him as super considerate, or touchy, but maybe she was an exception. Maybe she had to be an exception, given all they went through. But the gesture, the fact he used his flesh arm to hold her in, resting her face on the warm skin of his shoulder, was extremely kind. She missed Johnny so much. 

“Why does that bitch want me to call ‘er? Last we spoke...shit, gimme a minute to think...Oh yeah. That whore-lovin’ bitch told me that if we got shit sorted out she was gonna buy me a beer then beat the shit outta me.” V rolled her eyes, laughing a little, remembering that when she woke up on the dock after diving with Judy she was told that Johnny wouldn’t shut his mouth, only able to heard by her experimental BD technology. Judy vowed to destroy it, or at least never use it with V if Johnny was still around. Though, Judy didn’t destroy it. And when V told her Johnny was gone, she seemed a little disappointed.

“Also said somethin’ about you calling her a, quote, ‘pussy-eatin’ fuck.’ And that she called you ‘the world’s worst STD,’ and ‘a strung out junkie, rock star, motherfuckin’ bitch boy, the living embodiment of VD.’ Think you two got along.” Johnny laughed, both fondly remember a rather horrific event. 

“Hell yeah, that bitch is crazy. Still like Panam a little more, though. Judy seems like a fun chick to party with, but Panam is the type of girl I could chill and strum a guitar with.” V laughed, a little too hard, at that assertion. 

“Johnny, hate to be the one to break the bad news, but dude, you got that all wrong. So, horribly wrong. Judy’s got Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics tatted on her arm and rarely leaves her apartment, and while we were out gatherin’ shit for mine and your revival, saw Panam get so drunk she rolled herself in a couple of cacti, fallin’ asleep still wrapped in two.” 

Staring out the window, V still didn’t like the fact it was completely silent between them when either was done speaking. There was nothing but the sound of their breathing to break it, no semblance of thoughts transmitting between them. 

“Haven’t told Rogue or Kerry ‘bout all this. Figured you’d like to do the honors when the time comes. You gonna try and patch shit up with them? Even with me honorin’ your final wishes, I know things were left unsaid.”

Johnny nodded, metal fingers tapping the windowsill. The tune was a Samurai song, but V couldn’t focus enough to pinpoint which one. She figured with Johnny’s code still on her engram that all of Samurai’s music was just encoded into her DNA at this point, knowing instinctively that it was one of their songs. 

“Fuck yeah there was. Probably gonna try patchin’ shit up with Rogue, if she'll let me. Did her the dirtiest. Then I’ll work through the shit with Kerry. Lotta things that came up when you two were runnin’ around Night City fuckin’ over some j-pop sellouts. That’s for another day. What’re your plans for the future?” 

V sighed, eyes still transfixed on the city. “Damn, gotta heal first. Engram ain’t fully in me yet. Your process was a lot faster than mine. Then, gotta go from there. Didn’t think I’d need a plan for the after, ya know?” Moving away from Johnny, V went back to the couch, reclining to lie down. “But it’s late. You’re not exactly an early riser, ya know. But you’re probably tired too – Relic takes it outta of ya. Take my bed, I need a change of scenery. And don’t fuckin’ argue with me. It’s my birthday.” 

Johnny grumbled, trudging over to the bed, settling down in it. “Whatever, birthday bitch.”

“Dick.”

“Cunt.” 

“I missed you, man.” 

“I’d miss me too, choom.” 

“Fuck you...night.”

“Night, V.”

Johnny rolled over, V’s eyes still on his figure, half expecting him to fizzle out and take up residence in her brain once more. But no, he stayed. And he snored, making her breathe out a chuckle through her nose. Things were certainly different, but she was glad they could pick up where they left off. Two fucked up idiots stuck in a small apartment. And no, things weren’t exactly the same, but that was okay for now. If they learned to live with each other before they could do it again. 

Nibbles, finally making an appearance after hiding from the stranger, crawled into the bed with him, snuggling into his back. V couldn’t blame the cat, really. She wanted so badly to do the same. Now that Johnny wasn’t in her head, she could freely think without the fear of being caught. One thing that made her so desperate to find a way to save him was that growing feeling of fondness, one similar to the first time she ever decided to love another. Buried it well enough while he was inside, but now that he wasn’t she could just let her mind marinate in the thoughts. 

But to impose that on him, when he had a real shot at redoing his life, would be categorically unfair. As far as she knew, he was still hopelessly in love with Rogue, fostered strange feelings for Kerry, and was still working through shit concerning Alt. So, unless he chose her of his own will, she’d be content to sit back, let him decide for once in his life. And if he needed her help with any of it, she’d gladly be there to give him the swift kick in the ass he requested. But shit, if it wasn’t gonna be hard. 

To make it worse, the one thing she didn’t want to pick up from Johnny was his insomnia. Almost nothing made it any better, and she suspected he self medicated for more than just untreated mental illness. So, she stayed awake that night, as she did every night. 

Just thank god in the morning she had someone to greet her with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me, playing around with what Johnny and V picked up from one another is gonna be the corner stone of this fic. I got some serious plans for it.
> 
> Also, thank you for the support on the first chapter! Like, wow!!! 😍 I'm horrid at responding to comments, often not knowing what to say, but thank you guys. The support means a lot :3


	3. Leaving Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I write this, I often think about what we leave behind in others. Of course the whole idea of this fic hinges on that, and it is a forced kind of merger, but for the rest of us in the real world, what do we leave behind? It's always something to consider.

Waking up in his own skin seemed odd somehow. Like he didn’t belong in it. He supposed 50 years outside of it, existing in an Arasaka data prison, then shoved inside a biologically female body would do that to a person, but something seemed even more off than normal. A deep seeded wrongness that ate away at his very soul; self loathing that permeated the mind. Even more of an odd sensation was the extreme need to check in on his friends – well, the ones who were still around. The deep need to be surrounded by as many people as possible. A desire to stave off the loneliness. And, an even deeper appreciation that V was near him.

“You keep in contact with Ker at all?” Johnny didn’t exactly feel the urge to smoke, but to maintain some semblance of himself he was bent out of V’s open window, cigarette between his lips. The puffs he took from it weren’t done in the usual fervor, trying to get every last bit of nicotine out of it, but were done more for the action of doing so. 

“Actually, yeah. Crashed at his pad a few times. Prolly pretty pissed at me, though. Last time I was there...uhhh...It wasn’t great.” V seemed off herself, always walking around and seemingly searching for something. Never to be found, she often gave up, sitting on the couch and staring into space. Which was what she was doing now. 

“Fuck it, call ‘im up. Figure I’m not on bed rest, and even though you are, you can drive me out there and lounge on that nice ass bed of his if ya need.” V seemed to be weighing her options, the same face she always made when she was trying to decide on something high stakes. 

“Really wanna talk to him that bad? Never kept him in the loop ‘bout what I was up to, so he might be a little shocked.” Shrugging, Johnny threw the cigarette down, watching it until he could no longer see it on its journey to the ground. “Who else is gonna celebrate my arrival? Rogue?” He laughed darkly, thinking of that failed attempt to recapture feelings. “Unlikely. And, Ker was the easiest to convince of my new residence inside your head.” 

“Got me there. Alright, I’ll call him up. But if he calls me a scopheaded bitch again I’m hanging up.” Seemed reasonable to Johnny. As the dial tone started, he tapped his foot, waiting to hear Kerry’s voice with his own ears. 

“V! Nice of you to call.” Kerry’s voice was free of its usual sarcasm, instead actually being glad to see V’s call. “Shit, haven’t heard from you in...fuck, a month? Longer?” 

“Yeah, been a little over a month. Had some shit going on, and I...didn’t know what to say to ya...So...” Whatever happened between the two must have really gotten to V. But she didn’t know Kerry like he did, and Johnny knew that Kerry only holds grudges over things of personal conquest. And unless she recorded an unreleased song of his and sold it to a rival record label, she was probably fine. 

“Eh, don’t worry ‘bout it. We all do stupid shit on Tequila. Ya ever talk to the people I referred you to?” V bit her lip, whispering into the holo. “I did, but some shit came up and I...Can we talk about this later? Got a surprise for ya. You free?” 

“A surprise from V? Oh this should be good. What ya got for me?” Smug bastard that he was, he probably thought V secured him something impossible. And, usually right in the weirdest ways, he was correct. 

“I can tell ya now, or I can come by and show it off in person. Your pick.” Kerry laughed, making V smile with him. For all the shit those two went through together, Johnny always held a soft spot for the guy, especially for the fact he had such an infectious nature about him. Better than any high he’d ever experienced. 

“Fuck it, show me in person. When you comin’?” Looking at Johnny, all he did was nod, giving the okay to set her own time. 

“I’ll leave in 30. See ya soon Ker.” 

“Look forward to it V.” Hanging up, V seemed relieved, letting out a long breath. For his own part, Johnny too felt a sense of relief, realizing he’d soon see his friend again. Man, he missed all the people he left behind. He’s glad he doesn’t have to miss V. 

“Speakin’ of surprises, got something for ya too. C’mere.” V walked over to her small closet, digging through her clothes. It was an action he had seen so many mornings before, but the sense of urgency and calculation was gone. No longer did she have to pick out clothes that would suit a job, giving up merc work for the while. Now, she dressed for herself, and he could see it in the relaxed clothes she picked out, placed over a box in her hands. 

“Damn V, don’t think that shirt is my size. And booty shorts? Think they’ll hold my --” 

“If you say ‘impressive cock’ I will burn the contents of this box.” Johnny laughed as she threw the box at him, happy that the thing didn’t weigh much. Shaking it like a kid checking his Christmas presents, he heard the rustle of fabric. 

“Nice to see that stick up your ass is still there.” Setting it on the couch and opening the top, he couldn’t help but turn one side of his mouth up, holding up the contents in front of him. “Damn V, where’d you get this shit? Did the Nomads save this too?” 

“Nah, had Panam and Judy do my dirty work, coma makin’ me a little less than able. Did you know there’s a whole black market trade of Johnny memorabilia? Guess you kinda did, Grayson havin’ some of your shit, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the shit is fake, of course, but some ain’t. The pants? Fake. But the shoes? Now those are real. Shirt’s fake too, but the prize is at the bottom.” 

Johnny couldn’t help but be impressed that she managed to find most of his clothes. Aviators were also fakes, he could tell. Didn’t have a scratch on the lens from when some guy at a bar threw his keys at him for trying to pick up his sister. But fuck, it really was everything he could want. 

“Shit, V. Can’t wait to see what you get me as a birthday present if this is just a random gift.” He would never outright say he was thankful, but she knew him well enough to know that this was his way of thanking her. Strolling into the bathroom with his loot, he slid the door closed. 

“What? This not good enough to last for a few gift giving events? Spent a pretty eddie on all that shit.” From the sound of it, she had placed herself in the office chair by her desk, talking to him through the bathroom door. “Hell, take this as a sort of birthday present. You and I talked about reincarnation once. Isn’t this kinda like that?” 

Johnny slipped the shirt over his torso, smoothing it down. Definitely a fake, but it didn’t need to be real. Any scop on the street could get a Samurai shirt. Pants too, a little tight around the thighs, not worn in enough, but that could be fixed. But the shoes? Damn V pulled out all the stops. Slipping on an old pair of shoes always feels better than anything else. Fuck he was lucky to have her. 

“Nah, got it all wrong. We talked about Nirvana and how to achieve it. Remember it well. We were on the roof, stalkin’ Arasaka with that Goro fucker. He said somethin’ about how you’d never achieve inner peace, I made some stupid fuckin’ joke about Teen Spirit, and your mind kept talking to me about what the fuck I was on about.” Continuing on with his routine, he took V’s brush and ran it through his hair. Looking at himself in the mirror, he was surprised by how much his face changed just from having his face shaved. Good thing he always grew it back quick, already the stubble turning darker than a shadow on his face. 

“Oh yeah! Fuck, man. Goro was so confused. I mean, dude knew you were in my head, but still couldn’t figure out why I always looked ready to punch someone’s lights out. Isn’t Nirvana the name of some band, too?” Her voice seemed happy remembering those times, and he was glad. If all of them pained her things might be strained, and he couldn’t really handle thinking about things being bad between them. 

“Exactly. It’s why we even started talking about the concept versus the band. You still talk to that Arasaka fuck?” He got silence as a response, and he figured he wouldn’t push it. Probably a touchy subject given everything that happened. “Hey, got a toothbrush I can use?” He was prompted to look in the medicine cabinet, finding one still in a package. The contents of the cabinets were different from what he remembered, bottles upon bottles of different medication. Probably all from Misty. 

“Johnny, are you gonna look at the bottom of the box or not?” Oh yeah, she said she had something in there for him. Looking back in, he let out a puff of air from his nose, smiling. A small pile of rings, and something even better. Dog tags. His dog tags. He figured those would be lost to time, or were in some Arasaka vault. Maybe they were, but V had her ways. Busted him out of that prison piece by piece again and again. 

“Fuck, V. These...Wow.” 

“Don’t, uh...Don’t get too excited. The rings are replicas. Not sure ‘bout the originals, but Panam knows some people.The rings were bought from some guy who specialized in recreating antique jewelry. The tags, though? But, I figured that if you ever woke up you’d feel pretty naked without ‘em. But the tags? They were left right on your body as a marker. Wore ‘em for a while in place of the ones you gave me...But they’re yours, and you need ‘em more than me.” When she finished speaking, Johnny left the bathroom, treated to the sight of V holding the dog tags he gave her when he promised he’d give his life for hers. When she promised to take a bullet for him. 

To live inside someone’s soul was such a strange thing. As he looked at her now, all he could imagine is what it felt to be inside her. Well, inside her head. He didn’t wanna think about the other meaning of that phrase right now. All she told him that day was the truth. All he told her that day was the truth. And yeah, he fucked it up a little when he took over her body and used it as a way to get drunk, high, and fuck around again, but she still forgave him. 

Did he really deserve her? 

“Like I give a shit if they’re authentic. Figured I’d never see the real deal. But the fact you did some shady shit to get something just for me? Means a lot.” A hand on her shoulder and he earned himself a look from her. She still seemed tired, worn down, but that what having a rough life will do to a person. He still thought she was beautiful despite it all. 

“Eh, ain’t a stranger to doin’ shady shit. Shady shit got me into all of this. So, we going to see Ker or what?” 

“Yeah, let’s go pay him a visit.” V grabbed her keys, pulling on the Samurai jacket hanging by the door. A smirk of satisfaction graced Johnny’s face, almost proud she still wore the thing. 

Hell, she even had his Porsche parked in the garage. “Figure we might wanna take this if we’re goin’ to be seein’ Kerry, right? Roll up in true Silverhand style.” Johnny got into the passenger seat like he was accustom to, nodding in agreement. 

Of course they spoke about random shit along the way, but none of their car conversations ever stuck with Johnny. He was always one of those people that preferred to look out the window and be lost in his own head. Kinda hard before when being in his head meant transmitting it all to V, but that didn’t stop him now. Pulling into the mansion driveway, he got out of the car and sauntered over to the door. 

“Try not to spook the guy, alright?” V’s warning fell on deaf ears, Johnny already at the door, knocking on it. Well, banging. He was banging on the door in true Johnny style. If he was going to see an old friend, pick up where he and V left off, then he may as well do it in a way that made him feel like him. 

“Kerry! Open the fuckin’ door!” 

Inside the house there was a clamor, muffled yells where every other word was “fuck” or “shit.” Door flying open, Kerry’s figure lost its color, his eyes wide and mouth open. His eyes looked behind him, seeing V behind Johnny, waving sheepishly. 

“What a surprise, huh? V gives the best gifts, trust me. Cunt found my damn shoes. My shoes, man! Hell, found my fuckin’ body of all things.” The more he spoke, the more Kerry broke, eventually pulling Johnny into a long hug, saying nothing as they held each other. 

Eventually, V tried slipping past them into the mansion, shifting their attention to the merc. It was a wonder that she could ever sneak into a well armored fortress, not even managing to sneak past two men so happy to be near the other that they didn’t see the rest of the world. But they noticed her. Breaking the hug, Johnny watched as she ran to the bathroom, giving them some time alone. 

“Johnny...damn. It really is you...Too bad you can’t get a replica of your old cologne. If ya did, man, you’d be exactly the same. Shit, even smell like chick’s shampoo, always showerin’ at some broads motel room before shows.” Johnny laughed, fondly remembering his wild days. 

“Hell yeah, choom. Could always tell the quality of a bitch by her hair products. Dudes too, sometimes. But they were always wild cards.” This time Kerry laughed, leading them to the couch where he plopped down, motioning for Johnny to join him, which he did. Legs spread, he reached forward for a glass, pouring himself a glass of whatever the fuck was on the table, offering the bottle to Kerry who did the same. 

“So, V really pulled it off.” Kerry shook his head, looking out into his backyard. “I thought she was just ramblin’ on like people always do. But, nah. She doesn’t operate like that, huh?” 

“No she does not. Uses expensive shampoo, too. Quality woman.” Glasses clinked together in a cheer before the two men downed the contents. As they finished, V made her appearance, reaching for the bottle before Kerry moved it from her grasp. He whispered something to her, making her roll her eyes, but whatever he said made her walk outside, picking up a guitar on her way out, giving the two old friends time alone. Johnny made a note to ask about that later.

“V said she didn’t tell you about her plan. How’d you find out?” Johnny poured another glass, telling himself to stop after this one. He didn’t really have the desire to get drunk, but sharing a drink with Kerry just seemed right. 

Watching her from behind the glass, Johnny saw her strum the guitar, not able to hear the tune. “After you were removed from her head she kept comin’ over here. Wanted to talk ‘bout you, and apparently she felt comfortable enough to come to me. Not surprised, given I blew up a fuckin’ van with her. And it was nice to talk about you with someone who actually knew you. Can’t really do that with many people.” Kerry sighed, pouring himself another drink before downing it. 

“Can I continue or are you gonna pull a typical Johnny and not fuckin’ care?” Johnny shrugged, still watching V. 

“Nah, choom. I’m listenin’. Tell ya somethin’ important when you’re done, though. Prove I’m a changed man. Willin’ to listen to whatever.” A smack to his arm made Johnny smile, looking at Kerry finally. The guy seemed genuinely happy. Happier than when he saw him last. 

“Cool. Well she kept gettin’ drunk and cryin’ ‘n shit. One time she told me she planned on bringin’ you back. Didn’t think she could do it though. Fucked up my couch another night. Puked in between the cushions.” Nodding, Johnny thought he pegged why things were weird between them. Or, why she thought they were. Something told him she conveniently forgot about the times Johnny puked in way more personal places for Kerry than his couch. 

“Wanna hear why you’re a changed man, though, Johnny. I don’t believe that shit for a minute.” Another glass was poured, and Johnny declined the bottle when it was passed to him. 

“I won’t bore you with how she got my body. I almost checked out listenin’ to it, and it was my fuckin’ story. But, apparently when we were separated to be brought back, shit didn’t go that smoothly. Shit between us got mixed. Picked up some of her traits, she picked up some of mine. I can’t tell what’s been left in there yet, but I did just wake up yesterday. Figure if I’m not actually checkin’ out mentally, musta got her ability to listen.” He watched as Kerry drank, finally putting down the bottle. 

“Lemme ask...when all that shit happened?” His question seemed serious, and Johnny was taken aback a bit. The guy was rarely serious, but his eyes were now fixed on V. “Taught her to play, ya know. While you were gone. Said she wanted to learn to uphold your memory.” 

“No shit? I’ll have to make her play for me sometime. She good?” 

“Hell no! But she tries. Reason I ask timing is...Shit, wanna know the first song she learned to play?” 

Johnny thought about it, and his gut told him the song. “Lemme guess, ‘Comfortably Numb,’ right?” 

“Bullseye. Didn’t know where I knew that tune from, but then it hit me. Same song you told me inspired you to play guitar. Even stranger, she sings when she’s drunk as fuck. Guess what songs she sings?” 

“What, the Fleetwood Mac discography?” Kerry nodded and Johnny felt himself sink. Being raised around hippies in Texas, he had grown to love the music from that time. Hell, even the music of the 1970’s held a soft place in his heart, the time of his parents’ youth. When he got drunk, he sang what Kerry used to call “stupid fuckin’ hippie shit.” 

V didn’t do that. Not when he saw her drunk. 

“Fuck...Guess I really stick to people.” Watching V more, she seemed pretty lost in the music she was playing. It made him wonder about the other stuff she picked up from him. 

“No shit, Johnny. Took me forever to get over your death. But...Watch her. Keep an eye on her. If she’s still got parts of you in her, be sure she’s alright. Don’t wish that fate on anyone.” Kerry was still deathly serious, but Johnny could never keep up that tone. 

“Damn, I really that much of a gonk? Fuck, and here I thought you loved me.” His tone was lighthearted, joking even, but when Kerry spoke next, he didn’t match it. 

“Saw her get so drunk she smashed a bottle and fell right into the glass. Check her right leg some time. Looks like shit. Maybe it was how she dealt with grief, but just wanna make sure. Just watch her, please.” 

V kept strumming the guitar, mouth moving like she was singing. The weight of realizing that he may have left dark bits of him in such an undeserving soul was one he didn’t want to hold. In his mind, there was no way he’d willingly leave that shit inside her. And maybe, Kerry was wrong and she was fine. Left with only the good parts of him. He hoped that was the case, but…

“Yeah, I’ll watch ‘er.”


	4. The Mark Has Been Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was telling my partner what my plans for the fic were, and I'm upset that the inspiration for this fic was guessed before I even finished speaking. I will give a prize to whomever can actually figure out what inspired this whole thing aldkfjlksdfjk. Because it is not something I ever expected anyone else to get

“Kinda shocked you and Ker get along so well. Eh, maybe I’m not. But, damn, didn’t think I’d make two good chooms out of you two.” 

V laughed a little, rubbing her thumbnail across the steering wheel, earning her a snide remark about the vintage leather from Johnny. Not that she cared, still picking at the wheel. “Well, I mean – who the fuck else was I gonna gush about you with? Judy? Panam? Fuckin’ River? Far as I know part of what made shit between River and I die off after I, quote, ‘made you fuck a cop’ was probably you.” She wasn’t agitated at Johnny, really. More, she was upset that she felt alone in her suffering, only really identifying with Kerry and his struggle, certainly in more ways than one. But her tone was peeved, and she was sure it was like bait for Johnny to take and start off on his bullshit, and she wouldn’t have time to correct it or clarify, even if what she said came out wrong.

“Well pardon me, princess.” Yup. Hook, line, and sinker. He pushed the Aviators up on his face, leaning back in the car seat. “Didn’t know you wanted shit with that dickhead. My bad,” his arms jerked up a bit, hands spread in front of him, the action making V turn to glare at him, only to swerve back into the road, “didn’t know fuckin’ then having his sister start talkin’ ‘bout some kid of hers was sexy. Shit, now that I’m outta your head why not rekindle it?”

“Johnny, c’mon, that’s not --”

“Why not, huh? You like the way that fucker looked at you? Fuckin’ gonk could not keep his eyes off your ass. Trust me, never a good sign, because dudes who do that are all fuckin’ pigs. Not like he wasn’t one until he fucked that up that career path. Or maybe it was the fact he was gonna give you that family you --” 

V slammed on the breaks, making both she and Johnny launch forward, him more than her given she knew she was slamming the breaks. Fist reaching over, she gripped the front of his tank, making him face her. 

“It’s been two fuckin’ days, Johnny, and you wanna go ahead and start bein’ a dick to me!? Really!?” What he said wasn’t really that bad, but it was a pretty low blow. Johnny knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that the promise of family life, someone to love her – a group to love her – was something that swept her up in the extremely brief romance. And no, Johnny wasn’t the reason she couldn’t commit, at least in terms of his personal disdain for the guy. The Relic and her impending death shut that door for her. And now that it wasn’t an issue, she wasn’t keen on reopening it either for a variety of reasons.

“Well fuck me, V! Kinda fuckin’ shitty to be reminded that I almost killed you! Ruined your fuckin’ life, even beyond the grave! How many nights have you been in a drunken haze, huh!? Drank so much ya blacked out!? All ‘cause I wrecked your shit from the inside out!” 

Kerry. Fuck. 

Letting go of his tank, V sunk back into the front seat, paying no mind to Johnny or the cars honking at the stopped car. Of course Kerry would mention something about her nightly issue. Good thing he didn’t talk to Judy, the poor girl having to leave town for a bit to recover from watching V spiral, only thing stopping the whole thing was a literal coma and the hope that Johnny might actually wake up. And the only reason she didn’t keep on this path was Johnny’s return. But, fuck. She wanted to. Helped her sleep. 

“Look, V – I --”

“Drop it.” Her jaw was clenched, breathing in deep through her nose. She must have looked as hurt as she felt, given that Johnny actually backtracked. But, she didn’t want to deal with it. Not now. “Just drop it. We can do this shit later. Had somethin’ to show you, somethin’ to make you happy. So let’s just --” 

“I’m sorry.” This made V look at him, but she was met with the back of his head, him turned away from her. The apology was almost a whisper, but she still heard it. Knew he meant it. She sat there for a few minutes, still seething, but knowing she didn’t want to pick a fight with him. She wasn’t mad at him. She was mad at herself.

“Me too. Don’t wanna walk on eggshells, either. We’d gotten pretty good at opening fresh wounds when we were joined together,” looking around, it was clear to go, and V resumed their journey, “guess that hasn’t changed.” 

“Would ya want it to?” Damn Johnny sounded sad. Reaching over, she patted his thigh, not looking at him but through her peripheral vision. 

“Wanna know somethin’? Kinda missed someone pickin’ at my scabs. Everyone’s been too afraid to remind me of anything that would tip me over the edge. Like I’m some fuckin’ kid. But, shit. Maybe I wanted them to. Give me an excuse to express some damn misery. And what’s worse, if you changed enough not to say stupid shit in the heat of the moment, I’d probably fuckin’ lose it. Wouldn’t feel like I got the real you back.” 

Johnny took her hand, the metal of his arm oddly warm against her skin. It felt so different than when her brain filled in the gaps, imagining the metal as cold and uninviting. But no. It was warm like a holo that’s been used a little too long, and she figured that newer components kept it at a warm temperature for the purposes of immersion. Making it feel close to a real arm. And all he did with her hand was flip it around, looking at it like it was some jewelry that needed appraising. 

“Fuck, V. Ever think you’re damn difficult to talk to? Took me livin’ in your head to figure out you’re a shit communicator. Hard to read, and even harder to get to talk. Only time anyone ever saw you raw and real was when you were scared shitless after the heist for the damn chip. Nail polish is chipped, choom.” 

His deflection meant he was done talking about it, but she was glad he didn’t go there immediately, telling her a truth that she already knew, but didn’t like. Maybe he was changing, actually talking a little when things were difficult. Maybe she should change, too. She wanted to be open for people, but she felt she couldn’t. She was a shoulder to cry on, not one to cry on another’s shoulder. 

“Blame Judy. She painted them before she left.” Going onto an off ramp, V was pleased that they were close to their destination. Not much longer before she could show Johnny something that would make him happy as hell. 

“Good. Wanna ask ‘er somethin’. We may not see eye to eye on many things, but she’s got my respect and I have hers.” V snorted at that, thinking about the long winded rant Judy went on about not meeting your idols. And given her taste in music, she definitely meant Johnny. 

“You sure ‘bout that? Eh, even if she didn’t respect you she’d listen. She’s just like that.” Pulling into a parking spot, V got out of the car and stretched. After being cooped up for a while, she loved getting out and walking around. And this spot was special to her. 

“Follow me, Johnny. Gotta show ya somethin’.” He obeyed, walking behind her rather close. Must have felt weird that he could reasonably walk at any distance from her. Certainly felt strange to her that he couldn’t project anywhere in her field of vision. As they rounded a corner, she heard Johnny’s noise of satisfaction, a cheered chuckle, upon laying eyes on the object of their trip. 

“Holy shit. Man oh man, my favorite thing in this damn city.” Leaning against the fortune teller, Johnny grinned ear to ear, pleased with the fact the thing was still spewing bullshit for the masses. 

“What was it you thought we’d find? A bunch of dots in the shape of a dick?” 

“And I still say that woulda been fucking great. How many people are still buyin’ into this shit?” Johnny pointed to the machine, and V knew what he wanted. Paying the single eddie, the machine spewed out some shitty line, and Johnny kept on grinning. 

“A bunch, actually. Shit’s started an even bigger movement. Heard they planned on raiding a Militech building once. You should be proud.” 

“Brings a damn tear to my eye.” 

They paused there, listening to the machine and the sounds of city around them. It was like old times, and V was happy she could at least show him something physical that was a monument to some of the good times they had. She couldn’t deny it either, this little job from Nancy was her favorite, going on some wild goose chase, Johnny getting to expound his world philosophies to her, momentarily forgetting he was dead. And now he wasn’t, standing there in the flesh, looking at something V hoped brought back fond memories as well. 

“You pissed at Kerry?” His question wasn’t entirely out of left field, but she still wasn’t expecting it. She wasn’t sure what Kerry said to him, but she wasn’t mad, half expected Kerry to say something to Johnny. The guy did try and get her therapy, but it came at the worst possible time. Besides, what therapist would believe her issues stemmed from the fact she died, got revived by a terrorist, became utterly attached to said terrorist, but had to give it all up because it was killing her? Not gonna fly. 

“Nah, guy’s a bleedin’ heart. Chaos incarnate, but sweet. He feels, just a little too deeply. Didn’t expect that to be extended to me, but I’m not surprised it was, I guess. Was, and kinda still am, the only one he can talk to ‘bout you. He got over you, ya know, but sometimes...It’s nice to talk about an old friend.” Kicking the dirt and rubble in front of her, decay ever present from a dying city, she shuffled closer to Johnny, kicking his shoes by the end of her little walk. He kicked back, same playful energy. “Sorry for bitchin’ to you ‘bout River. Shit between us woulda never worked out, with or without you. Shouldn’t’ve blamed you or even sounded like I did. That style of life wouldn’t have worked for me anyway.” 

Johnny’s arm rested on her shoulders, a gesture of close contact that made her feel safe in this hell of a land. Through thick and thin, he was with her. To have him missing for so long was such a disaster, if only because it made her lonely again. But for once, she was actually mad about it. She didn’t really wallow in misery, she wanted to numb it, push it down, and cover it with anger. Such a Johnny move that she didn’t realize it until she was getting stitched up by Vik after busting her ass at Kerry’s. Needed something other than her own depression to take her mind off him being gone.

“Why’s that? ‘Cause you feel like ya don’t deserve it, or because you’re too much of a wild child?” V laughed a little at his assessment, knowing well neither of those reasons were right. She just knew it wouldn’t. Not with River, at least. 

“Who fuckin’ knows, man. Either way, not crawling back to ‘im. And, uh, Johnny? You didn’t ruin my life. So damn far from it.” 

~~~~

Nightfall again, and V didn’t know if she could do another sleepless night. Johnny was still exhausted, and he was asleep before the sun set. She wasn’t surprised, knowing full well that the whole process was tiring. Being put back into your own body was a strange feeling, and that would even tire out a man that could only be described as a raging fire. 

Determined to actually sleep tonight, even if it was still on her own couch out of respect for Johnny needing a soft place to sleep, she went into her bathroom, not turning on the mirror. She didn’t want to look at herself. Opening the medicine cabinet, she pulled out a bottle of sleep medication, reading the dosage amount. Taking one, she went back to her spot on the couch, lying down, waiting for it to take effect. At some point it did, but she wasn’t aware of when. 

She was only aware of the side effects. 

V rarely dreamed. And if she did dream, she never remembered it. Misty always said it was a result of not connecting with her inner self, but V never listened to her. And when Johnny was in her head, he tried talking to her about her dreams once, but she legitimately didn’t remember them and therefore couldn’t talk about them. But today must have connected herself to something deep inside because her dreams were vivid. Terrifying. She had this strange compilation of raiding Arasaka Tower, waking up in the trash, but when she crawled out she wasn’t greeted with Dex Deshawn or Takemura. She was greeted by Johnny’s mangled corpse, reaching out to her for help. Any other night, she may have brushed this off, but when she jolted awake, the blue hour of the morning upon her, she jumped up, going to where Johnny was sleeping. 

Halting, she didn’t know if what she was seeing was real. The blue of the morning making everything still feel like a dream. Tentatively, she reached down, fingers touching his shoulder. It still didn’t feel real, so she pressed down harder, the solid state of his body making her relieved that her dream was just that. A dream. Of course it was, but fuck. Whatever was in those pills made her so certain that was reality. 

Sitting on the edge of the bed, she rested her elbows on her legs, looking over to where Nibbles was sleeping in the laundry basket. She was shaking, still afraid the rug would be pulled out from under her, reality creeping back and waking her from whatever good dream she was having. Like what she saw while sleeping was a glimpse of reality. 

Again, she turned to touch Johnny, fingers brushing across his sleeping face. Using the backs of her fingers, she stroked his cheek, that sharp something coming back to her heart. She wished Johnny could still feel it, something that connected them before. Now, she felt it alone in that aspect. 

“V?” 

His voice was laced with sleep, groggy and rough, and it made her freeze a moment before she pulled her fingers away. Muttering her own sleepy apology, she made a move to get up, her wrist being caught by Johnny’s hand. 

“What’s wrong?” Again, he made her freeze, unsure how to answer. Should she be honest? If he ever found out she lied he’d probably be pretty pissed, but she also didn’t want to burden him, so much on his plate already. 

“Nothin’. I’m alright...Weird dreams and shit, that’s all.” Wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth. A compromise that made her feel better. 

“You don’t remember your dreams. Only the nightmares. C’mere.” Scooting back, Johnny made room for her to lie with him, not giving her much of a choice when he started pulling at her body. He’d probably regret this in the morning, but V couldn’t help but comply, needing the reminder that this was reality. That things were, in fact, going well for once. 

“Can’t lie too well, V.” She was lying on her back, staring up at the familiar ceiling, the warmth of where Johnny was lying before her seeping into her. “’Least not to me.” Johnny was still half asleep, as there were more words said after the ones that came in crystal clear, but who knows what they were. He was right, though. She couldn’t lie to him very well, and he couldn’t lie that well to her either, that street going both ways. 

Maybe he’d wake up in the morning and act like he didn’t just pull her in, held her close that night, moving so that her front was pressed against his bare chest, face buried under his chin, but that was okay.

If anything, she actually had a good nights sleep, all things considered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope none of y'all thought I'd forgotten about the fact there was only one bed :3c
> 
> Again, I just wanna give my thanks to all who are so supportive of this fic. I absolutely adore doing this, and I'm so happy I'm making people happy doing this!!


	5. The Becoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a note, I do not hate River. I found his romance a little weird, but in general he's a good guy. Johnny, on the other hand, doesn't like the dude. So unfortunately he gets some shit. Also, it's not Johnny unless he's harassing people, so I deeply apologize to Panam.

From the heat of her body to the serene look on her face, Johnny had a swell of emotions and reminders come to the surface. He hated to admit it, but the first that came to mind was all the times he had woken up next to a person he had no idea how they met, only the carnal activities that took place after they said their greetings, and the regret of having to explain his actions to whomever he was sleeping with prior. As he shifted in the bed to look at V better, he knew he definitely didn’t regret waking up next to her, as the next thought he had were all the times she crawled into this bed in that horrible sideways position, having to correct her body before her damn neck fell off. The final thought was even worse, the only other time her face relaxed was when she collapsed from the Relic, and he had to hold her close, remind her she wasn’t going to – 

The sound of V’s holo pulled him from his thoughts, eyes flicking down to V’s sleeping form, undisturbed, so he just let the holo ring. The voicemail would do a better job at remembering what the call was about than he would. Besides, answering her holo was pretty rude, and uncalled for – an invasion of privacy he didn’t think he wanted to violate, having violated all the other bits she held private. But when the person called back a second time, making V stir in her sleep, he thought being rude was now necessary. 

Climbing over V, he was thankful he didn’t wake her there, and so he grabbed the holo and went into her armory, closing the door, knowing it was near soundproof and he could yell in peace at the chucklefuck who called this early. Answering the holo, he turned the screen so the person couldn’t see him, meaning he also couldn’t see who was on the line.

“She’s asleep, fuck off.” Simple enough, and if the person deigned to ask questions they’d get answers. But not answers they probably want. 

“Oh, not a chance! Who the fuck is this and how do you have V’s holo?” The voice from the line was strikingly familiar, but Johnny was too tired to try and play mental gymnastics to remember who it was. Merc work was mostly taking calls, and he swore he heard the holo ringtone even if her phone was silent. 

“Her lover. Want some of me, cunt?” Scratching his face, he lamented the fact he still had a ways to go with his beard, missing the hair there so damn much. 

Raucous laughter emanated from the line, and Johnny knew immediately who it belonged to, so thankful he offered his services to the nicest ass he had ever seen. Panam Palmer. Flipping the phone, he looked at the screen, seeing his disheveled appearance, but not caring. Maybe it was the part of V still in him, but damn he loved seeing Panam’s face. Made things feel like they’d be okay, even if she was almost as chaotic as Kerry. Probably why V loved her so much. Hell, even seeing his own face made him happy, but that was probably his own vanity returning.

“Well, well, well! Thought I’d have to send V in to wake your ass up herself! Good to see ya, Johnny!” She greeted him like he was an old friend, even though they had never spoken. Hell, anyone in the damn Aldecaldos greeted anyone on good terms with them as an old friend, something he didn’t understand. The whole family system seemed strange to him anyway, but he did know V was family. And they’d do anything for family, even if it meant helping someone close to the family member in question. The fact he was sitting here now, looking at his own pistol hung up on the wall, talking to the woman who found his body, was proof enough of that.

Wouldn’t let her know he appreciated the sentiment, though. 

“Panam Palmer. How’s that fine ass of yours?” Cocky grin on full display, it grew wider when he saw Panam grimace, clearly regretting her choices. It looked like she was driving into Night City, the desert behind her growing more and more cluttered with trash. 

“You know what, forget I was ever nice to you. Fuck off, you creep. V said you were a dirty old man, but shit, didn’t think you’d be this forward. Too bad, had ya played nice I would have picked up an extra set of breakfast food for you too.” The scene of her yelling at Saul played in his mind, and he just kept smirking, waiting for what would come out of her mouth next when he responded to her. 

“Well that’s a damn shame. Guess I’ll have to eat something else when you get here.” Ah, nothing like a fine side of sexual harassment in the morning to get the blood moving. He couldn’t suppress his chuckle at the fact Panam kept mumbling “V warned you Pan, she warned you,” as she tried to navigate the turns of the city. 

“Alright, murderous rage gone – so, V’s asleep. Good. Just wake ‘er up before I get there. Missed seeing her for her birthday, but I was doing something important. How long have you been awake, exactly?” Horns honked, and from the anger on Panam’s face, Johnny assumed it was her car’s horn. 

“Ah, you missed the grand fuckin’ party we threw V. Woke up on her birthday. Misty said some shit ‘bout how I have great timing, all things considered.” Looking down at his legs, Johnny couldn’t help but find the over sized pajama pants a burden, loose fabric feeling strange, but he couldn’t exactly refuse the pants for a few reasons. Namely, he knew these were once left here for Jackie, and for V to offer them carried a lot of weight. The other…

“Panam, pick me up some underwear, will ya?” 

He was really testing her patience, and damn was it fun. Watching this woman resist the urge to either hang up or murder him was just what he needed. Made him remember what a treat life was. 

“I can’t tell if you’re serious or not, but fuck you. When I get there, don’t talk to me. See ya in a few.” Now she hung up. Too bad, didn’t even get a dick joke in. Leaving the armory, he saw that V was still soundly sleeping, and he wished he could just leave her there. Let her rest for as long as she wanted for once in her life. A few more minutes wouldn’t hurt, especially given she was actually under the covers for once, not passing out on the bed in her clothes from the day, covered in filth. God, he hoped she washed her sheets. 

Sitting on the floor by the bed, he pet Nibbles, the cat rubbing and purring as he did. He wasn’t going to lie, he did find the thing a little creepy. And the fact the thing needed lotion rubbed on it made it a little worse. But, V loved this cat, and he had to admit he did too. Takemura once said this thing was some cat spirit, only around because of the death in the city. Johnny didn’t much believe that, but eh. Maybe he was right. Of all the people in Night City, he and V would be haunted by a spirit. 

Fuck it, V deserved more rest. Getting up, he grabbed his clothes and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. If anything, the noise from the shower might wake her before he has to, making sure he wasn’t the bad guy in the morning. Hot water ran down his back, he pulled a V and placed his arms on the wall of the shower. Cunt had the right idea, this did feel pretty nice. Naked again, that strange feeling of wrongness entered his mind, something gnawing at him from the inside. He pushed it down, looking at his pride and joy, nodding that when he got back into the game of Night City, Johnny Silverhand would be making joytoys beg for more. 

V’s shampoo smelled nice, and so did her body wash, but he’d have to buy his own. Shit, should have asked Panam for that over some damn underwear. Drying off and slipping on his leather pants, he knew damn well he wouldn’t wear any so long as he was in these pants. They’d only be for sleeping, and maybe he’d have to stick with the pajama pants for the sake of V. 

Shirt on, towel hung up, he walked back into the room hoping V was awake. But no, he got to admire her sleeping form once more. Last night, she woke him up by rubbing his cheek, activating a long buried reflex to punch whatever touched him in his sleep. But he knew her hands, they were his own for a while after all, and that reflex was replaced with concern. Whatever made her so afraid, a nightmare he could no longer see, he wanted to erase from her. All he could do last night, and probably forever now, was hold her close. Like he did before when she would toss in her sleep, but he figured she didn’t know about that. 

“V...Sleeping Beauty, wake up. You’re pretty enough, and Panam’s on her way.” Kneeling down, he shook her shoulder, her startled snort making him smile. She may look serene when she slept, but she woke up in the most ungraceful ways. Drool stuck to her face, hair somehow stuck up in places he thought impossible, face contorted and disoriented. So endearing. 

“Mmmm, wha? Panam?” She sat up rubbing her eyes, and all Johnny did was smile. Must have looked fucking stupid doing it too, V’s face painted in a dumb look at the action. “Did you draw a dick on my face or somethin’?” 

“Nah, don’t need to. You’ve got ‘cunt’ written all over it.” Sure, he called her that all the time, but at this point it was less of an insult and more his nickname for her. 

“Funny. Alright, lemme shower before Panam gets here. I’m sure we’ll have to bounce after breakfast.” V swung her legs over the edge of the bed, shivering at the feeling of the cold floor on her feet. 

“What? This a normal thing?” Johnny watched as she slunk over to the bathroom, forgetting to grab clothes before she entered the room. He’d get them for her. 

“Yeah, sorta. Haven’t seen her in a bit, but she’s been busy gettin’ somethin’ for me. She bringin’ breakfast?” She didn’t even close the bathroom door, probably forgetting that Johnny wasn’t still an engram in her head. Fair enough, sometimes he felt like he was too, but she needed privacy and clothes. Grabbing something comfortable from her closet, he placed it inside the bathroom, not looking at her form in the shower. Even before, he respected her boundaries, not really sneaking a glance at her form in the shower. Too bad he had to watch her get railed by a cop, an image he’d never forget in his life. 

“Yup, not sure what though. Oh, and she might kill me.” he answered before closing the bathroom door, letting her shower. Sitting back on the couch, he turned on the TV, letting it provide background noise while he waited. Action was never far away, though, and the front door opened with Panam holding bags of food and a tray of coffee.

“Ah, fuck. Of course she’s in the shower. Don’t say a word to me, asshole.” Setting the food down on the coffee table that his feet were propped on, he grabbed a coffee, opening the lid to check it. Black. Good.

“What? Don’t think we have time for a quickie? Maybe not me, but I can make you --” A fist landed on the top of his head, and he winced, the woman’s fist packing a lot of punch. “Alright, alright, no more jokes.” 

“Thank you!” She threw her hands up in frustration before she opened the lid to another coffee, filling it with sugar and cream packets. “I still don’t know how V tolerated you. Hell, even why she spent most her damn eddies on getting you back to a normal state.”

For his own routine, Johnny opened the window, pulling out a cigarette. He still felt like his heart wasn’t in it, doing it more for the memory, but smoking with a cup of black coffee just seemed right. “You and me both. Mind tellin’ me what you’re here for?” 

“Just wait for V. Involves her too.” The water in the bathroom shut off, and V emerged a few moments later, fully dressed, still towel drying her hair, eyes obscured. 

“Shit, thanks Johnny. Forgot clothes and to close the door. What a true choom and gentleman.” Her words made Panam cackle, throwing her head back, eyes closed in that full belly laugh. 

“Gentleman!? Johnny!? Hey, Johnny-boy, should I tell her what you kept sayin’ to me!?” Johnny scoffed, sipping his coffee, still leaning out of the open window, shit eating grin taking residence on his face. 

“Not like V ain’t heard it before.” Which was true, he was never exactly subtle about anything. One thing that got him, though, was the use of the nickname. That was what V called him at times, and he didn’t like that Panam felt comfortable enough with him to use it. 

“So, what’s the gameplan, Pan?” V grabbed out her sandwich, tearing open the wrapper and eating it slowly while she listened to Panam. 

“Alright, so everything is in order. You’re basically cleared by Vik to move around the city freely again, though he said no merc work. And before ya ask, yes, he didn’t want to tell you himself because you’d give him puppy-dog eyes and he’d relent.” V giggled, and Johnny felt his insides turn mushy again. 

Ugh, he needed to focus more on the city outside the window. 

“So, no work! Got it? Good. That being said, all the goods are at the Afterlife, so if I see you start mingling with anyone I’m dragging you out to camp, and you’ll be put on house arrest. Camp arrest? Fuck it, I don’t care ‘bout the term. I won’t let you out of my sight. And River’ll --”

“The Afterlife?”

“River!?”

Johnny and V spoke at the same time, both confused as to why they needed to go to the Afterlife and why River was even involved. Apparently, Panam was doing things her own way again, which shouldn’t surprise anyone. 

“Yeah, couldn’t be helped. Tried other fixers and things, but Rogue had all we needed. More an issue for getting shit for Johnny than you, V. So, cat’s outta the bag there. And River still has access to database stuff for NC, so.” Panam turned to Johnny, and he couldn’t meet her eyes. Didn’t want to. Now he was in a sour fucking mood.

“Suck it up buttercup, I know there’s weird shit going on between you and Rogue. V told me once. But you’re both adults. If I can put shit between me and Saul behind, you two can get along for 30 minutes. And V, I’m sorry, but River was more than willing to help, and I needed as much as I could get.” 

Panam didn’t get it, but V probably did. Looking at her, V was in the process of getting up, telling Panam to give them a minute, bringing Johnny outside of the apartment so they could talk in peace. She also seemed to be on edge, but Johnny felt that familiar burn to argue, and he knew V would participate. At least he hoped she would. Not like they could go a day without doing so anyway. 

“So ya told Panam ‘bout my dirty laundry?” He wasn’t really pissed at that, but just as V was yesterday, he didn’t like where this was going. Too many things getting pushed on him all at once. “Nice of you to think it was your story to tell.”

“Stop, Johnny. I had to tell her. Her first thought when we were formulatin’ the plan was to go to Rogue. With what happened with her, I figured you’d wanna let sleepin’ dogs lie, so I wanted to leave her in the dark for as long as possible. And what was I gonna do? Ask your fuckin’ corpse for permission!? Sorry, but I didn’t maintain my ability to talk to the dead! I didn’t know she went behind my back! At least Rogue snubbed you, not the other way around.” She leaning against the railing of the building, while Johnny paced.

“Well fuck, V, if the plan was all ‘bout me, why the fuck --”

“Wait, stop, damn!” V sighed, agitated, but Johnny stopped his movements, looking at her. 

“We need to stop the fighting for right now. Really wanna fall back into old habits?” He wanted to say “yes,” if not for the fact he wasn’t very good at change, but he knew that wasn’t the right answer. And, she sort of started it, but he also figured she pulled him out of the apartment to avoid him blowing up at Panam. So he stayed quiet. 

“I didn’t drag you out here to fight. I’ll let you yell at me all you fuckin’ want later, but lemme speak. Spoke to Rogue after...yeah...Same reason I kept tryin’ to talk to Ker. Obviously I had more success with the latter. And this was before Panam and I found anything – Anyway, I got the sense that she’s kinda closed the chapter in her life with you in it. Moved on...I don’t think she’ll be mad to see you, but I dunno if she’ll...” V trailed off, brows knitted. He could tell she was trying to find words, and it wasn’t like before when he could finish her sentences on command. Instead, he should try and make sure she knew where he was coming from.

“Listen, I’m not mad that you’re makin’ me see Rogue. I’m actually more pissed off ‘bout seein’ River,” he resisted the urge to insult the guy further, knowing he really didn’t deserve it, “what’s gettin’ me about the Rogue business...” Now he was lost in thought, feeling his face mimic V’s. 

“Learned somethin’ while I was in your head, V. Learned a lot of things, but the one that really got me was I learned how to care about someone other than myself.” He watched V’s face relaxed, and he felt his lips twitch, wanting to smile. He didn’t, but that face of hers did things to him. Things he’d rather not think about.

“Rogue and I, that ship’s gone. Sailed out the harbor so many years ago, I dunno why I even tried to rekindle it, other than I wanted to do right by her. Prove I could. Think I did alright. But now? Think it’s best we leave her in peace once we’re done with whatever the fuck this is. Let her live her life. She ain’t the same Rogue I knew, and in a way --” 

“You’re not the same Johnny you once were either. I know.” V walked over, putting a hand on his arm, looking up at him. This time he did smile, but only because he kept forgetting how damn short she was compared to him. At times, she seemed taller, her personality adding a foot to her height. At others, she seemed so small, all the pain and hurt crushing her down. Right now, she seemed just right. But still short. Made him laugh on the inside.

“I just...wanted to give you the option to do things on your terms. Kinda why I didn’t tell Ker about it all.” 

“Yeah, ‘bout that. Let slip while you were drunk one night. So, good one there, V.” She muttered a string of curses, clicking her teeth at the end. “You alright with seein’ River?” 

“Oh fuck no. But I’ll live. Shit’s just gonna be real awkward.” Now she seemed bothered. Johnny snorted, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. 

“Good. ‘Cause if he looks at you like he did again I’m --” 

“Gonna be a good boy and shut the fuck up? Thought so. C’mon, let’s go back in.”

Johnny nodded. “Fine idea. Don’t want Panam to think I’m cheatin’ on her with you.” 

V’s laugh, loud and rough, made his chest warm.

~~~~

Same as it ever was, the Afterlife catered to his sensibilities in the best ways possible. Greeting him like an old friend, the smell of alcohol and smoke mixed with loud rock made him wish he was 10 years younger, swapping out his body for one just a little younger. All so he could wreck his liver and keep up the same stamina he always had. 

Instead, he settled for sitting at the bar while Panam and V sought out Rogue. If they needed him they’d come get him. Waving the bartender over, he gave her the most handsome face he muster, hoping it would earn him her undivided attention. V always made heart eyes at this chick, and Johnny couldn’t complain when she did. 

“You look mighty familiar. Gonna order a Johnny Silverhand, by chance?” He was well aware of people dressing like him and getting surgery upon surgery to look like him, so being here in the open, no concealing garments other than his Aviators necessary, was pretty simple to do. 

“Nah, need something with Vodka. Not much a fan of...” What was he saying? The Silverhand was his drink. His recipe. And now he wanted something more to V’s taste? Fuck, he’d have to find a way to get his taste buds back. 

“Tequila? I get it. Shit’s strange. Got a drink named after the girl you walked in behind. Want that?” Johnny nodded, lighting up a cigarette to have with the drink. He let it burn there in his hand while he sipped the glass. 

“So, what’s your real name?” Claire was washing glasses right in front of him, clearly his face doing its magic. 

“Wanna know what to scream when I take ya home?” That comment made her laugh, the kind of laugh that meant she wasn’t expecting him to be so forward, but she didn’t seem like she was going to kick him out for trying. 

“Sorry, not my type. That girl whose drink you ordered, now she’s --”

“Not available.” Covering up his slip-up, Johnny raised the glass to his lips, downing its contents. He did not, under any circumstances, mean to say that. And Claire’s smirk told him she highly doubted his claims, or was about to pry information from him.

“That so? Funny, she disappears for a while then shows up with Panam and a Johnny Silverhand lookalike. And now she’s taken? Man, she much be doing some real preem shit if she’s amassed a crew like that. And here I thought we were friends. Figured she would have told me if she was seein’ someone. Need another?” 

“Please.” Groaning, Johnny snubbed out his cigarette, waiting for death to take him. What the fuck was with him? “And she’s been goin’ through some stuff. Not surprised she disappeared and then didn’t send word of anything. ‘M sure once she’s done with Rogue she’ll be over here chattin’ you up like she always does.” Downing the glass once it was put in front of him, he dared glance over at the couch that Rogue always sat at. He couldn’t see much from his seat, but of course V would be sitting in full view, looking more than a little uncomfortable. She must have felt his eyes on her, because she glanced over at him, making him turn away and look at Claire again, who was still smirking like a damn cat. 

“Oh, I know. Don’t hold a grudge or anything. She’s a true choom, for sure. If she drops off the radar then it’s for something serious. Gotta ask, how’d someone like you land her?” 

“We aren’t --”

“So her being ‘not available’ was wishful thinking?” He was caught. Fuck this chick. No wonder Rogue hired her, she could sniff out a lie better than Rogue could, without the needed implants. 

If he died right now, would his own Relic revive him? He wanted to try so damn bad – avoid all that made him nervous. 

“Johnny, hey!” Like an angel, V’s voice brought him back. Looking over at her, he was being waved into where she was seated, rather urgently. Claire’s whisper of “good luck” was not lost on him, so he flipped her off, determined never to speak to this girl again. 

As he walked over, the only seat available was next to V, and given his previous conversation he did not want to sit near her. But he’d be damned if he didn’t. Legs spread, arm across the back of the couch, his eyes landed on River seated across from them. Fuck this guy made his blood boil. So he scooted closer, arm in more of a protective gesture over V. 

“Johnny, once business is done, we need to talk.” Rogue’s voice grabbed his attention, and he stopped his one sided pissing match with River. “Alone.” That statement was for the rest of the people in the room with them, and he just nodded, not really sure what to say to Rogue. 

“Alright, who wants to give Silverhand a replay of events?”

“I guess I will, since it’s mostly my work.” Fuck, of course River volunteered. Johnny clicked his teeth, a full headed eye roll stopped only by V’s light slap on his leg, a small reminder to behave. 

“I won’t bore you, since I’ve been warned of your short attention span. When the girls thought about reviving you, they forgot that you needed identification in NC and other bits of paperwork, and that V is technically a wanted criminal who is also legally dead due to a favor from someone at Arasaka. Hacked into the NC records, wiped V’s record and legally revived her, and forged documents for you. Here.” The guy handed Johnny some papers, and he was pretty impressed with what he was given. For a variety of reasons, he couldn’t legally go by Johnny Silverhand. He was certain that being named that is illegal for starters. But, to see his birth name again, birthday with the birth year changed, was pretty surreal. Hell, even his license photo was a cleaned up version of the one he had taken when he first moved to the city. 

He couldn’t deny, River could get shit done. Maybe he could learn to deal with him. Looking up, Johnny uttered a low thanks.

“No need to thank me, Robert.” 

Nope, he wanted to choke the life out of him. Smug motherfucker. 

“Alright, that’s all that Johnny needs to know for now. Leave us be so we can talk in private. Got personal business here.” The first people to leave were Panam, River, and Rogue’s hired muscle. V stayed behind a moment, looking at Rogue.

“That means you too, V.” She was firm in her words, and V nodded, looking over at Johnny. 

“I’ll be at the bar, alright? Come get me when you’re done, ‘kay choom?” She looked troubled, but it was likely on his behalf. There was a reason she was Night City’s best merc, and it wasn’t her skill. She had compassion for people who may never deserve it. 

“Order a Johnny Silverhand for me. For some reason I like Vodka now.” V laughed at this, smirking down at him from where she was standing. 

“Funny. Wanna know what I like now? Tequila.” With that, she walked out, and he watched as she sat at the bar, almost ready to disobey Rogue’s request when not only Panam joined her, but River did too. 

“Johnny. Look at me.” Johnny turned to Rogue, though, like he always did when she called his name. 

“Let’s have a little chat. Think you’ll find it important.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> askdjkfhdsfdskf I got a feeling my slow burn will be just that. Slow. Because hhnnnnggg that angst is INCOMING. And like V, I also make heart eyes at Claire. I get, realistically, why a Johnny romance cannot be done, but denying us Claire? That's a crime. 
> 
> Also, I'm just so super awkward when talking to people (so again, I don't reply aklsdjsdfdskf), but I read every comment left here and they truly make my day, so I just wanna say thanks for all the support because, hhhnnnng, my heart is so full of love for all those who leave me comments and kudos <3


	6. Terrible Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me a bit to write this chapter because I know what's coming next and I do not wanna go there because I'm gonna miss writing these moments. But I promised angst, and I always deliver.

Per request, V did order herself a Johnny Silverhand. Cheering with Panam and River, they all drank their respective drinks in silence for a moment. V was certain it was due to the fact the conversation prior to them coming out here wasn’t particularly easy for any of them to have. Being forced into retirement wasn’t exactly what V planned for today. 

She didn’t expect for Rogue to start with that, either. Not even handing her the new documents, just hitting her with “your time as a merc in this city is over.” Matron of the city, and admired by most, her word was law, and if she said V was done with merc work, then she was done. Not much she could do about it. What stung the most, though, was that Panam was the one who convinced Rogue to make the move. 

“Awww, c’mon, V. You gonna stay mad at me?” Panam made the best pouty face she could, and V couldn’t help but smile. She knew, deep down, that she did have her best interest in mind, even if it was something she hated. As of right now, she had enough eddies for a little while, and if things ever became tight she could do solo work, though she doubts she’ll pull in the same amount as she used to. 

“Stay mad? Nah, prolly not. Right now, though, I’m a little peeved. Woulda been nice of you to tell me in advance, not have it dropped on me as soon as I’m able to move around.” Claire served her another glass, and she downed it in the same fashion. 

“V, look. Even your ripperdoc said no merc work, and...” Panam looked past her to look at River, both of them clearly communicating about something behind her back. Man this fucking sucked. 

“We’re worried about you. We know Johnny is back, but that doesn’t erase what happened before he was...Panam figured the best thing to help you start a new life was kinda force you to.” River’s words made her start shaking, so unsure of how to address all of this with them. She felt like a cornered animal, trapped between two hunters. Did she really scare them that much? Must have, especially with Judy literally out of the state right now to avoid her. 

“Let’s just table this until I get my head on straight, yeah? A lot’s been happenin’ and I’m not gonna do what I did a couple months ago. Got what I was mournin’ over, right? Haven’t had a chance to fall back on that habit. I’m fine...” 

Was she really, though? Having Johnny back made everything better, sure, but not perfect. She still felt like at some point he’d just up and vanish, either of his own accord or with him being ripped from her. All a repeat of last time. Months of healing, coming to terms with what happened to her, just didn’t happen. She still had to thank Panam properly for helping her out in that regard, but right now V felt like she was doing more harm to her than good. 

“If ya say so.” Leaning over, Panam kissed her cheek, patting her shoulder as she slid down from the stool. “Gotta contact Mitch and Saul, let ‘em know I’ll be headin’ back soon. Be out in the car when we’re ready to leave. River, you hitchin’ a ride?” 

River nodded, taking a swig of his beer. “Yes ma’am. If that’s alright. Came here by cab and I’d like not to travel back that way.” Panam gave him the okay and left, leaving the two ex lovers alone. 

“So, someone was tellin’ you how I was?” V figured someone might have. It wasn’t exactly a secret that she and River had something going on. If she had to guess it was probably Judy who reached out. Shit she messed up with her so badly. Messed up with almost everyone. 

“Yeah. Not gonna say who, but yeah. For people to reach out to me...Shit was pretty bad, huh?” He was concerned for her, and V felt so bad. He was such a good guy, just not the one for her. She didn’t wish he was, really, but she also wished she wasn’t selfish (and spiteful) enough to string him along for the little bit she did. 

“I guess. Don’t remember much of it. Musta been, though, if you were called. Fuck, even Vik looked at me the same way he did when Johnny was first crammed into my skull. What a mess.” Resting her forehead on the cold bar, she wanted so badly to order more drinks, but she knew she was caught. Couldn’t get away with it like she did when she would go away for days, or convince Kerry to keep feeding her alcohol. Even he stopped that soon enough. 

“What’s a mess? You or the situation? Because you’re not the mess, V. Far from it. A lot of messed up things happened to you, things that would make lesser men and women fall deeper than you did. Your life hasn’t been easy, and it never was. Take this as a sign to make it easy, okay? And if you’re worried about eddies, I --” 

“River, don’t.” V reached over, putting a hand on his shoulder even though her face was still on the bar. “I’m not...we’re not...It wouldn’t be right.” His hand covered hers briefly before letting her hand stay there uncovered. 

“We’re not, no, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t a friend, even if you don’t want me to be. Sometimes people touch the lives of others, and you definitely touched mine. Got to uh,” he cleared his throat, taking another drink, “got to play video games with Randy yesterday. Saw Joss smile brighter than I have in years. Couldn’t’ve done that without you.”

That made V perk up, sitting back up straight, taking her hand off his shoulder to rest in her lap. She forced a smile, and did feel better for it. “Shit, man. I forgot to even ask about Randy. Thought of ‘im a lot, ya know. Always wondered how he was. I’m glad...glad I helped.” She laughed coldly, ordering her third drink in spite of wanting to keep up appearances. “That’s why I even stuck with the fuckin’ merc work in the first place. Sure, at first it was for the quick eddies, but then I started helpin’ people. What am I gonna do now?”

River sighed, a hand placed on her back, rubbing it softly. “Help yourself. Help Johnny. You two need it.”

He was right. She and Johnny did need help. She needed to pick up the pieces left behind when she thought she was going to die – when she thought that she’d never see Johnny again. And Johnny needed to find his new place in life, figure out what he wanted to do. 

Finally chipping in, Claire leaned over the bar, face between the two seated at the bar. The two friends, once more established. “So, uh, pretty sure ol’ Silverhand is about to be done talkin’ to Rogue. Just thought you should know.” 

“Alright, I’ll pay for the tab. Mine and V’s.” V thanked him, happy to see she didn’t completely lose someone from being a complete wreck. Then again, he didn’t witness everything first hand. River got up from the bar, leaving V there to sit. He made known his plan to go to the car with Panam and wait for the other two to walk out, just in case Rogue needed to say some final words to V. 

Looking at Claire, V sighed, not sure what to say to a friend she also abandoned out of fear of making her watch her fall from grace. She wishes she had the hindsight for the rest of the people she let watch her die over and over again. 

“Missed ya, V. Happy to see you found love, too. He’s kind’ve a gonk, but real easy on the eyes.” V raised an eyebrow at Claire’s statement, completely unsure about what the fuck she was going on about. To her, it seemed Claire was teasing her, but she had no idea. 

“What are you talkin’ about? River? No, no! He and I are waaaay done.” V waved her hands in front of her, trying to emphasize how not a couple she and River were. Did it really look that romantic – her faceplanted on the counter and downing what was considered the nastiest drink at the bar? 

“No, not him! Him!” Claire’s head titled over to Johnny, walking out with Rogue, both parties looking pleased with themselves. That was new, and she’d focus more on it if she wasn’t stuttering towards Claire, who only hit her with a cheeky “kidding” and “that’s what you get for not calling.” 

“That’s not funny, Claire!” V spoke through clenched teeth, leaning over to whisper to the girl. She was not going to give Johnny any fuel whatsoever, even if it was just two friends joking around. He was relentless, and she was a little too upset about today’s events to handle some light teasing. 

“Oh, it definitely is. But, if he’s available --” Claire’s laugh at V’s slacked jaw stopped her own sentence, just in time for Rogue and Johnny to get within earshot. 

“Like I said, softball stuff first. Nothing too hard hitting, don’t want you getting too cocky. If you do, I’m cutting you off quicker than you can clap fire. Am I clear?” Rogue still had her stern tone, eyes narrowed in on Johnny, who, as usual, just brushed it off with a shrug. 

“Whatever, believe it when I see it. And if I gotta pick up someone’s trash, I’m quittin’. Thanks for the shit, though. Gotta say, givin’ me a holo mighta been --” 

“A mistake? Yes, I know. But you’ll need it.” 

Now V was curious, but she couldn’t ask Rogue. The woman disappeared back into her normal place, hired muscle with her. But Johnny? He seemed all too pleased to be playing around with his own holo, like a small child. 

“Uh, what the fuck?” He stopped playing with the holo long enough to look at V and smirk. Sitting at the bar, he ordered one drink to down before they had to leave, winking at Claire before he drank the glass. 

“Took your job.” 

~~~~

V wanted to pull her fucking hair out. And she was damn close to it too, hands gripping the hair near her scalp, bent over in the back seat of Panam’s car. Johnny, for all his worth, was seated next to her, and Panam and River looked like two parents listening to siblings in the back seat fighting over who touched who. 

What she gathered from what Johnny told her, the way that all of this – the documents, the record wiping, the extra handling fees for his clothes and shit – was going to be repaid was that Johnny was going to be Rogue’s errand boy. Sure, he now got to call himself a merc, which she knew was going to be all he talked about for a while, but he was essentially a glorified errand boy. With a gun. And a bad attitude, being a huge dick about the whole thing.

“What wound up your fuckin’ panties? Figured you’d be happy that all those eddies got returned to ya. And you don’t gotta do jack fuckin’ squat to earn money for us to live off of. Put your feet up and breathe for a while.” He sounded so nonchalant about the whole thing, like it should be fine that she can’t work. All she ever did was work. What the fuck was she supposed to do now? And it’s not like Johnny would even be there to keep her company. She knew how much the merc world sucked from a person.

“Yeah!? Well I’m not! Sorry everyone!” V let out a frustrated noise, actually pulling at her hair this time. Should she be so worked up over being forced to take a break? No. Well, yes, but no. All these choices were being made without her, but she couldn’t argue with them. 

“All you had to do was waltz in there, probably bat your pretty eyes at Rogue, and fuckin’ BOOM! You got my whole rep behind you, one that I built, and you don’t even gotta get shot at daily! Why do you fuckin’ think I’m worked up, huh!?” She heard River’s sigh from the front seat, and she knew Panam was probably gripping the wheel so hard her knuckles were white. 

“Ha! You think it was an easy ride, watchin’ you do all that crazy shit!? I was a hostage in your brain, V! I felt everything, from how damn fuckin’ tired you were at night to every bullet that almost lodged itself in your brain! If there’s anyone, in this car, or in the world, that knows what you went through, it’s me! And don’t forget that!” Was Johnny wrong? No, he was more than correct. He did know everything she went through, everything that she did to get where she was. Good and bad. And yeah, he wouldn’t piss it away, hopefully, but fuck. That was her reputation. And she was still pissed. And if he had the opportunity to goad her into fights while they were stuck together, she could do it now. 

“But that’s the thing! You were there, but you weren’t runnin’ around all of Night City, fightin’ Scavs and Cyberpsychos, gangs, and other shit! I was dyin’, Johnny, and I still had to fuckin’ --” 

“ENOUGH! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, PLEASE!” V’s blood ran cold, sitting up, hands out of her hair. Panam’s scream was horrifying enough to witness, but having it be directed at her was dreadful. “You know what, V, Johnny’s right! And, you know, I really fucking hate to admit that. But, you’re being a real fucking bitch right now! He knows what you’ve been through, he knows what he has to maintain, and you can string him up by his fucking balls if he messes up! Right now!? Right now he’s right! Find something else to do for a while.” 

The car finally stopped in front of her apartment building, and she got out of the vehicle, slamming the door without saying a goodbye or thank you to anyone still left in it. Not that she cared, pretty pissed off at almost everyone in it (maybe minus River). Storming up, she didn’t even bother with the elevators, running up the stairs to blow off steam. Big mistake, having to rush through couples in various stages of having sex, but it at least made her blood stop boiling for the moment. 

Entering her home, Johnny was just standing there, almost like his engram used to when she would come home some nights. Taunting her like a ghost. And her blood was heating up once more.

“Alright, wanna fuckin’ explain what’s got you so pissed off? News flash, V, I can’t just read your mind anymore. And I’m well fuckin’ aware there’s more going on than just you thinkin’ I’m gonna fuck up your life. So what is it? Or are you just gonna flop around, keepin’ all that shit inside? Because that sure as hell would be typical V.” Rage spilled over. She knew he was just like this, always ready to pick a fight, say the things she didn’t want to hear. Did it this morning and he’s doing it now. And he did it before, when she felt at her most raw, he just picked at her until she cracked. 

“Oh, now you care!? Now that we’re not around other people so you don’t have to keep up that cool guy act!? Man, fuck you!”

Johnny started pacing, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, taking small puffs before he spoke. “This ain’t about my ‘cool guy act,’ V. It never was! Even if I leaned over and whispered sweet nothings in your ear, you’d still act like a bitch. Because that’s the thing. You don’t fuckin’ open up unless you’re all alone. And you were damn lucky you had me or else you’d be speakin’ to a wall. Like you used to as a kid. Like you did before Jackie. Probably like you did when I was ejected from your fuckin’ skull.” 

Beside her, on the outcrop near her desk, was an object. She didn’t care what it was, she just needed to throw something. Hurling it at his form, she expected him to fade out of existence, crawl back into her brain, poke and prod around in there some more. He didn’t. 

Hitting him square in the chest, V panicked, racing over to Johnny, trying to assess the damage. So many times before she had thrown things at him, watching as they passed right through him. Now, she couldn’t do that. Couldn’t just lash out and expect him to do the same things he always did. He couldn’t anymore, and she had to adapt to that. 

But that’s the thing. 

Change is never easy, and V certainly didn’t want things to change too quickly or too much. 

Unsure of herself, she spewed out words, not sure what she was saying, just that she was sorry and she forgot he was really back. All things that should have fallen on deaf ears, but didn’t. Johnny just pulled her into a hug, holding her to his chest, V finally breaking down and crying. Her arms wrapped around him, holding onto him for dear life, like he would still fizzle out of existence. Things still didn’t seem real, and she supposed they wouldn’t for a long time. 

“...cat toy.” 

She only caught the tail end of what he said, and she had to look up at him to hear it, sniffling and blubbering still. 

“It was a cat toy you threw, V.”

Groaning, she pulled away from him, flopping onto the couch, hands covering her tear stained face. She was going through so damn much, and she still felt like she couldn’t talk to anyone. Even the man who wanted so badly to be close to her again. 

“Johnny, I...I’m so sorry. You still...still willin’ to hear why I’m so pissed off?” If he was willing to listen, she was willing to speak. That’s all he asked of her, right? For Johnny, she’d do anything, including something she hated doing the most. 

“All I want, V. All I want.” He threw the cigarette out of the window, closing it again. Sauntering over to the couch, he reached behind it and grabbed the guitar Kerry gave her, the amp for it placed behind the couch as well. She heard Johnny fiddle with the gear behind her, whistling at the set up. “Damn, I know this stuff isn’t authentic, but you and Ker are real hellbent on me livin’ in the past, huh?” 

Johnny sat beside her, a replica of his guitar in hand, amp turned down to a low volume. He strummed the cords, a relaxing tune coming from it. V didn’t recognize it, but it soothed her nerves. That was probably the point, she guessed, always telling Johnny that music calmed her down, and it was why she refused to blast Samurai after stressful missions. 

“Nah, we’re not tryin’ to keep you in a time capsule. He gave me that after you were taken from me, givin’ me somethin’ that would remind me of you. ‘Course, it’s not the old one, but Ker has a good memory and pictures to go off of. Told ‘im you never played for me, and what’s sad is...that was the first time I cried about losing you. Felt numb for a bit. Didn’t cry, didn’t get pissed, nothin’. Just...nothin’. So havin’ to admit you never showed me a part of you that was so integral to who you are...kinda hurt, not gonna lie.” V hiccuped, finally over her sobs, sitting up to watch as Johnny played. 

His flesh hand plucked at the cords so masterfully, tattoos and muscles moving in a hypnotic way. V could watch that for hours, listening to the calming tunes. For a man so angry all the time he really knew how to relax people. Reassure them. Something he most likely wanted in his life, but never got. 

“I played Samurai gigs with you, that not count?” V shook her head, pulling her knees to her chest. 

“I didn’t count ‘em. In my head, guess I wanted you to sit me down and offer to play just for me. Kinda like you are now...” He turned his head to look at her, face stoic. Then, he smiled, stopping the strumming to scoot closer to her, foot resting on the coffee table while the other tapped with the beat. “Took a while to find out where your body was, so I spent a while just...driftin’. And even when we did find you I had to wait for you to wake up...Wait for my body to die. Coulda used some nice tunes.”

“Then enjoy the show. Talk when you want. I’ll be here.” Hearing him say that made her tear up again, that sinking feeling of him walking out welling up again. Did he mean that promise? He broke other promises before. 

“Guess that’s the thing...will you always be here? You don’t...wanna go away?” 

“That what this all about? Shit, V. Not gonna lie, I can’t always be with you 24/7 anymore, and I hate that as much as you do. I ain’t gonna run – no desire to. But...remember what I said to you in that motel room?” 

V knew what he was talking about, but she was unsure how serious she wanted this conversation to stay. A staple of their dynamic was the constant jokes covering up emotional hurt. 

“What? That you had to pay to get choked?” Johnny snorted, lips turning up into a small smirk, probably thinking of those events. 

“I will do you no wrong. My life for yours. And I still mean that.” V hugged her legs closer, face in her knees, still crying from all the shit going on in her life. 

“And your other friends got the same idea. If you think all this is your friends dumpin’ you out in a ditch, you’re wrong. When I was talkin’ to Rogue, she said she didn’t want you workin’ because you’d probably push yourself too hard. And she knows, without a doubt, that I won’t. That I’ll always come home at night, makin’ sure you don’t fall asleep alone. We both spent most of our lives alone, and now…Can’t imagine goin’ a day without some stupid comment from you. Do you still trust me?” 

V didn’t like how serious Johnny was, showing how much trouble she was really in. If the king of brushing shit off wasn’t joking back, talking about that emotional night in the Pistis Sophia, she was certainly worse off than she thought. At least she had the soft strum of the guitar to provide comfort.

“Never stopped trustin’ you, Johnny. I’m just scared.” 

“Then trust me with your life once more. Lemme give you some control back. Do what you wanna do while we figure this shit out. I’ll pay back all my debts, to you and Rogue, and then we go from there.” 

That sounded good to her. A deal that made sense. She was still mad, but less mad than before. Left behind in her somewhere, all of Johnny’s anger was written into her, and different things set her off, but they both handled it the same way now. Pushed people out.

She’d have to call Panam tomorrow, call River, Rogue, even Vik. She’d call Judy, tell her that she didn’t mean for all that stuff to happen, even if it was to Judy’s voicemail, having the right to ignore V’s call as soon as it came in. 

For now, all she had was the gentle lullaby of Johnny’s guitar, soft tunes rocking her to sleep. It may have taken hours, neither person daring to speak right now, but it still allowed her to drift off. Somewhere in the night, she was lifted from the couch, a familiar voice saying “I got you,” before she was set down on the mattress, that same body crawling in beside her. 

And even though things weren’t as dire, Johnny’s words still held the same meaning: that he would make sure she survived in this hell of a world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:3c
> 
> Some other notes: it wasn't intentional on my part to have Johnny's chapter start with him waking, and V's chapter always end with sleep, but I think my mind decided to galaxy brain itself on that front. It was something I noticed as I was rereading the chapters to make sure things are going well, and I really liked that. So I'm keeping it as a staple and I can work so well with it. Also, the next few chapters are going to be heavy in terms of content that some people might find troubling, so I have gone ahead and tagged what's coming, just so people are prepared. Figured it is polite, and people can choose to read on if they wish. 
> 
> Speaking of people, I will gush about each person who comments in these notes because aaaaahhhh!!!!!! You are all so wonderful, and I love reading about how you all feel about my work. It just warms my heart and replenishes my soul. Thank you so, so much!! <3


	7. Mr. Self Desctruct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man. Threw a dart at a dart board of all of Johnny's toxic traits, and landed on the fact he cannot let himself be loved.

Suit up, punch in, punch out, non stop. 

Merc work felt like it was slowly killing him. For all his mental fortitude, he could not for the life of him figure out how V did this work for so long. When he wrote the lyrics to “The Ballad of Buck Ravers,” he never expected he’d somehow relate to them personally. He just conjured up the concept of the general wage slave, someone working for a corp that would kill them one day. Three weeks in and Johnny felt like this city was worse off than when he saw it last, which was only a few months ago. No wonder he went ape shit waking up in it again. 

But, he must have been one lucky fucker, because no matter how much he hated the job, the city, the world, he always came home to V. And he definitely didn’t hate her. Something about her seemed off the past few weeks, but he didn’t think much of it. She always seemed so damn happy to see him when he walked through the door. 

If someone back in 2023 had told him he’d enjoying waking up each morning, beside a person who didn’t push away when they saw the thorny parts of his soul, came home to that person, and then enjoyed synthbeef while they discussed what their creepy, hairless cat was doing, he’d punch them in the face. Probably spit in it too. Right before he went to the bathroom and licked cocaine off of someone’s genitals. Because what’s happening here, what happens when he looks at V making coffee, hair sticking out in places that made it look like the crown of Helios, isn’t for Johnny. 

Johnny Silverhand, rocker, terrorist, the world’s turd, didn’t deserve this. He did nothing to warrant what V was to him. And fuck, they weren’t even dating. 

He thought about all of this, reclined back on the couch in the Afterlife, legs spread and Aviators on. It made him feel more himself sometimes, to be in the club rather than in a home. If someone was between his legs, it would feel even more correct. For a long while now, he felt strange, like something was off. Nothing was missing, he had all he could ever want, but that might have been the problem. 

What was there to be mad about anymore? 

Sure, Arasaka still existed, Alt was still fucked over sideways, and the world was still going to shit, but him, personally, he was genuinely happy for the first time in his life. He bounced his leg, anxious, not sure how to take it all in. 

“Johnny, are you even listening to me?” 

Ah, there was one thing that never changed. He had Rogue’s voice in his ear, asking him if he was still listening to her. Maybe she’d be the next person to hit 150, because fuck. She never seemed like she was going away. 

“Nah, didn’t feel like it.” 

“Of course not. Seems you’ll never change. The call I just got, it’s a client. I’m unsure why she needs a fixer, or a merc for that matter, but she insists that she does.” Pulling his head forward, he looked at Rogue, taking off his Aviators. 

“Okay, now I’m curious. She payin’ preem eddies for the job?” 

Rogue nodded and then shrugged. “I suppose that’s all that matters, right? For reasons she refuses to specify, she needs a merc to take her out to lunch. Again, I’m unsure as to why, but she said that no danger should come to the merc I send out. Which is even more suspicious.” 

Johnny snorted, his body coming forward, elbows resting on his legs. “It’s Night City. Probably wants a quiet fuckin’ lunch, and good luck gettin’ that here. Look at the waiter wrong and someone’s blastin’ the place. But,” standing up, he checked his holo, getting the location, “free food at a decent place? Fuck it, I’ll take it. And if it’s some Scav plot to get my kidney, they deserve it. Never had that shit replaced. Probably looks like a shriveled ballsack.” 

Waving Rogue off, he was out. Another boring job for another boring day. And like always, his mind traveled back to V. It was always V. 

“Fuck...shoulda gotten shoved inside the head of some boring scop.” Rolling down the window, he had gotten hooked back on cigarettes, and for some reason he was thankful for it. He should have taken his new life to work through this addiction, but he didn’t. At least he wasn’t popping pills anymore. 

“Maybe then I woulda been able to leave them behind...” 

But no matter what he did, how far he thought about running, how much he wanted so badly to push her away, she was always there. Saw through his shit and thought of him as an equal. At least, while he was in her head. Now, he didn’t actively try and shut her out, but she was getting too close again. Spikes threatening to impale her, leaving her for dead. 

Of all the people he loved, he left most of them a corpse. Some more literal than others, but when he looked at Rogue and Kerry, both of them seemed so different than when he left them. Maybe Kerry would have gone down the same path, but Johnny certainly pushed him along. Substance abuse and all. Rogue, though, he fucked her life up so badly he’s shocked she even lived to see her 80’s. But, given what Grayson had said before, she probably had no qualms about doing whatever it took to live, Johnny having forced her into that life. And for all of them, he left his own dead body for them to contend with, not able to mourn him in public for fear of being branded a sympathizer. 

Did he want the same for V? 

She told him once, when she couldn’t sleep a few nights ago, that she kept having these nightmares where she would reach and reach for Johnny, and all she found was a corpse. It was the same nightmare over and over again. What was worse is that he felt like a liar when he told her that he wouldn’t do that to her, like he did to everyone else. Because he didn’t know when or how, but she would be hurt by him, reaching out. And all she would touch is his rotted flesh. 

Getting out the car, he stomped his third cigarette out with his boot, hands in the pockets of a denim jacket V got for him. In the left pocket was a little maneki-neko, one she got from a client. Said it would make sure he had good luck. 

“Ah, you must be Mr. Linder.” The woman who spoke to him was striking in her own way. Everyone in Night City was striking, but there was something off about her. No wonder she needed a merc for a simple lunch. Someone would try and join her. 

“Don’t ever fuckin’ call me that. It’s Johnny.” He felt like V there, not ever daring to call her by her birth name, though he very well could. She trusted him, loved him, enough to let him. And there again, that sinking feeling that she shouldn’t. 

“Alright, Johnny it is. Shall we?” The woman took his arm, looping her own through it, and led him inside, being seated at a table in the back. She ordered, allowing him to get what he wanted, and he was determined to get something expensive and authentic. 

“You have good taste, Johnny. Tell me, what did you do before becoming a merc?” Johnny learned her name was Charlotte from the waiter who addressed her as such. And Charlotte reminded him of a spider, and that made him chuckle. She probably thought it was in response to her question. 

Cigarette between her lips, Johnny offered her a light, and she took it, offering him a cigarette in return. She smoked an expensive brand, and that he could appreciate. 

“I made music. I’ll leave it at that.” He puffed the cigarette, taking the black coffee he ordered as a drink from the waiter, chasing down the smoke with something even more bitter. “Got me curious, what’s the purpose of hirin’ a merc for a fuckin’ lunch date? Couldn’t get a joytoy willin’ to get a free meal?” 

Charlotte just smirked, seeming to weave a web in her mind. It was tempting to get caught in it. To avoid reality with a little danger. All like he used to.

“Joytoys don’t usually come in the flavors I like. And they never have interesting stories. You have one for me?” Her eyes were deep brown, and damn if Johnny wasn’t lost in them. At least, he made himself lost. Because the shape, the feeling from them, didn’t remind him of V. And that was perfect. 

“Sure, got plenty. But not from merc work, and not from my fucked up life. Ever heard of a story about an old man with enormous wings?” He maintained eye contact, treading ever closer to whatever Charlotte was spelling in her web. He thought he could just make out the letters S, E, and X. 

“No, I haven’t, but coming from your mouth, I think I’d listen to any story.” 

A woman who purposely sought out mercs for dates, now that was the type of woman who was into danger. Did she know she was playing with fire? Icarus, flying so close to the sun? Or was he the one who was the arsonist, getting too close to his work to notice that it may have torched his clothes? Then again, if trouble didn’t come to him, he would have gone looking for it. Simpler this way, not having to do the work. Because maybe if he had to go looking for trouble he would have never had the chance to find it. Chickened out, because he knew deep down he wanted those soft feelings, the domesticity of living with V. But he just couldn’t shake the damn feeling that he just wasn’t worth it all.

Caught up in his own fantasy, Johnny didn’t think of the consequences. The only thing he wanted, his only desire, was to find a way to tamp down the feelings of love he felt for V. The easiest way to do so was to find some other warm place to stick himself inside, one that didn’t have any chance of seeing the real him. Loving him back. 

His love, a fool’s gold, killed. And what right did he have to keep killing V over and over again? 

In the back alley, Charlotte was on her knees, Johnny’s pants pulled down just under his ass, his hands threaded in her hair. He closed his eyes, but he had to open them again, for he wasn’t imagining Charlotte’s mouth there. And fuck, he wished he had kept them closed. For, caught up in his megalomania, he didn’t think of the consequences. 

“Oh, whoa! Uhh...Judy, I don’t think we should come back here for a smoke.”

V’s voice sounded normal, but that look on her face. God, that look. His chest hurt. Hurt worse than it had ever hurt before. Like he wasn’t just feeling his heart break, but hers too. He probably did, after all, as they were tied together forever. 

No matter how far he ran, no matter how badly he wanted to avoid the truth, he couldn’t. Not for very long. And here again he looked V in the face and dashed away her hope. Threw her trust on the ground and stomped it. She couldn’t run from him last time, but she could now. 

When Johnny came home that night, drunk and miserable, he was alone. 

V was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like that one image of Keanu Reeves on the bench looking miserable as shit. I'm gonna go lounge on a couch like a worn out Victorian woman and cry, being later diagnosed with hysteria. Because next, I gotta edit what I wrote for V.


	8. The Downward Spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a shriveled husk, left in the corn fields to watch as people reap what I have sewn. This chapter is long, and rough. V has this tendency to just give, give, give, and probably ignore some of the world around her. What happens when you add Johnny's propensity for flying off the handle? This chapter is what you get.
> 
> As a warning, this does contain excessive drinking, drug use, and suicidal thoughts. These elements were present in the game's canon, so expect the same level as seen there.

Her first mistake may have been calling Judy. 

The act itself wasn’t a mistake, really, as V felt finally ready to do it. It had been three weeks since she resolved to do so, but she kept putting it off. What happened between them, what they said to each other when Judy left, seemed so beyond repair. Though, if she could call Panam, call River, and at least make them feel better about her freak out, maybe she could do that for Judy too. 

The act itself wasn’t the mistake, but what followed was.

And things had been going well enough these three weeks. It was odd, to say the least, to be bedfellows with a person who used to share her brain, but it just felt right. To sleep on that couch herself, or make Johnny stay there, just seemed like the wrong thing to do. It wasn’t like they didn’t share more intimate things before, Johnny watching her have sex with people because he couldn’t necessarily leave, and her being thrown into his misadventures at random times, so sharing a bed was just something that happened. And it felt right. 

It felt right to have his toothbrush next to hers in the bathroom, to see his deodorant next to her own, to have his own shampoo, body wash, to yell at him for leaving beard trimmings on the sink. To V, she didn’t need romance to feel at peace with this aspect of her life. If it ever got to that point (which she highly doubted) then she’d be happier. But this was okay.

What bothered her, though, was that she still felt empty. Like the world was moving on without her, and she was stuck pacing in her apartment like some caged animal. Realistically, she knew she wasn’t physically able to go and do what she used to in terms of work, but to be stuck here with nothing? It felt familiar. Felt like – 

She’d call Judy. It would take her mind off of what she was going to think about. 

Scrolling through her contacts, she paused by Judy’s name. She didn’t have many contacts in her holo anymore, but she still kept one. Her thumb hovered over the name before she pressed Judy’s. Even if Judy ignored her call, it would be less painful than looking at her contact list. 

“V?” 

Fuck it felt nice to hear Judy’s voice. Out of everyone in Night City, she felt the closest to Judy. Of course she thought of Panam as a sister, and she did appreciate what River had offered her, but Judy? She was about as close to her as anyone who wasn’t Johnny was. Maybe she didn’t know everything, and V still kept her distance, but Judy was close. There had always been this connection between them that was indescribable, drawing them together from the first time they met. 

And she missed her. 

“Hey Judy...How’ve ya been? How’s your grandparents?” 

It was an awkward start, but V was happy to see Judy smile on the screen. There was promise. 

“Shit, V. I should ask you how you’re doing. But, uh...I’m good. They’re good. Oregon really ain’t a bad state, ya know. But, I’m back in Night City...have been for a bit. I just didn’t...”

“Didn’t know what to say to me? Yeah, didn’t know what to say to you either. Can I start with ‘I’m sorry?’ Because...I am. What I did to you...what I made you witness...Fuck, Judy, nobody should do that to any choom, let alone --” 

“I’m sorry too...Especially for what I said about you endin’ up the same as Evie. We were both hurtin’, and I think I just needed time to cool off. And I did. Saw some nice beaches up in Oregon. Ones not covered in trash, inanimate or animate.” 

V laughed a little, trying to imagine what a clean beach looked like. “Oh yeah? If ya took pictures, I’d love to see ‘em. Never seen one without someone fuckin’ under the board walk or some washed up car. Sand still white?” 

This time Judy laughed, shaking her head. “That’s the one thing I did not look forward to comin’ back. First five minutes of bein’ in the city, some dude starts wankin’ in his car at a stoplight. Fuck this place. But yeah, sand’s white. Ain’t no chemical that could make it white, V. All natural.” 

V took a deep breath, relaxed that Judy was at least willing to even talk to her. But she didn’t know what else to say. To talk about the fact she hasn’t downed a bottle of liquor in a while, or chased down pills with said bottle, didn’t seem right. To tell her that Johnny was alive, woken up from his slumber, just seemed like too much of a loaded conversation. So she was stuck cycling through things to say, the wheel still turning in her head by the time Judy picked up the slack.

“V...I’m here. Wanna go have lunch? We can talk better if we’re face to face. You know we’re terrible over the phone.” 

“What? You’re still not over when I didn’t pick up that you were flirtin’ with me? Come on, Judy! It’s not that funny!” 

Judy giggled, and V just smiled, knowing full well it was pretty funny. “Oh, it was funny. Especially when I called to take you on a secret mission, you asked if it was a date, and my dirty joke still went over your head. Man, you and Silverhand really did share one fuckin’ braincell, and he musta been holdin’ it then.” 

“Alright, alright, I get it.” V rolled her eyes, still smiling. Fuck, she missed Judy. “Where ya wanna eat? It’s your pick since you have better taste than me.” 

“Mkay, I’ll ping you the location since you can’t remember names. See you at noon?”

“Sounds perfect.” 

Her second mistake was leaving the apartment. 

Fuck she had been feeling really tender the past few days. It was just getting harder and harder to live with her own head. Sure, she hadn’t downed a bottle of liquor, but she had been taking swigs of a bottle she left under the couch. Something about the action seemed wrong, especially since Johnny had no idea of the little problem she developed in his absence. She couldn’t even say it was because of his absence, having the inclination before, but that first morning, waking up and not having him there? Made her want to sleep forever. 

And after particularly hard jobs before Johnny, she would just take a bottle, drink, and go to sleep. 

Jackie’s bike was parked in the garage. She couldn’t look at it. She got into her own little beater, not wanting to roll around in anything nice, planning on selling most of her stash when she felt up to it. Out of all the things she could have bought when she was rolling in eddies, why the fuck did she buy cars? She was only a car person out of necessity. Probably would have made Jackie smile, though…

Her GPS guided her to where Judy was, a rather nice place all things considered. She didn’t have the heart to tell Judy she was trying to save money, so she’d just order something small. Stepping out of the car, she stepped over to the small frame of a woman smoking, tapping her shoulder softly. When Judy turned around, pulled her into a large hug, V realized it had been such a long time since she had been hugged like this. Since her fight with Johnny. 

He only touched her when he thought she was sleeping. Nuzzling up to her shoulder, pulling the covers back over her by way of running his fingers down then up her arm, hugging her from behind in the morning before he got up. All intimate actions that made her will her eyes stay closed so that more could happen, because with Johnny he’d only open up, be vulnerable, touch another, when there was no chance he’d be caught. 

And damn, did she need a hug. 

“V, why the fuck do you smell like cheap cigarettes?” Judy had her face rested on V’s chest, arms still holding her close. A gesture done so many times, though V was thankful neither was crying this time. 

“Wanna take a guess?” 

“Alt and I really fucked up the engram and you’re actually Johnny.” 

Judy finally let go, looking at V as they both kept laughing, the sound finally freeing her of the little funk she had been in for a while. Maybe all she needed was to see some friends. Who would have thought?

“Nah, you and Alt are too good for that. So then that leaves...”

“That fucker woke up. He good to brawl? Because I got a lot of shit to say to that motherfucker.” Strolling inside, the two girls got a seat at the front, ordering coffee for the table. Judy specified, rather sternly, that they were to leave the pot there. 

“Trust me, he’ll listen. Seems changed. But, no matter what, if you come in swingin’ he’s gonna swing back. Should I set it up outside and charge admission?” 

Smirking, Judy leaned back, arms folded behind her head. “Do that shit in Pacifica, and we could make that our retirement fund. Think about it, it’d be like those old videos of Chihuahuas fighting Great Danes.” The coffee came and Judy poured the milk into hers before passing it to V. “But I wanna hear more about how Johnny’s changed. That shit sounds more fake than real. Sure he ain’t sneakin’ in two hookers at a time and 8-balls into your place?” 

V sipped her coffee, biting her lip once she swallowed. “Unfortunately, I know for a fact he’s not sneakin’ in hookers and drugs. Got fired from doin’ merc work and Johnny took my job. So if he is doin’ that shit it ain’t in my apartment. And I doubt he is...”

Brows furrowed, Judy poured herself more coffee, ordering food when the waitress returned. “You got fired? How? You’re the best merc in the city...Whose dick got sucked to pull those strings?” 

V sighed, holding the warm cup in her hands, staring into the liquid. No matter how much she tried to tell herself she didn’t care, that it was for the best (as Panam said), she was still hurt that door was slammed in her face, the door welded shut after the fact. 

“Look, let’s just...”

“Sore spot? I got it, no biggie. Got good news. Been workin’ on something for when Johnny woke up. After I beat his ass, of course. I modified my BD technology. You know the one we used?” 

Nodding, V smiled again. “Yeah, last time we talked about it was still a work in progress. It done?” 

“Nah, not yet, but gimme a week and it will be. Wanna give the prototype to you and Johnny. Figure it’s weird as shit not being able to hear each other think. Know I felt real weird after we disconnected, can’t image how it is for you.” 

Fuck, she missed Judy. Night City didn’t deserve her. She should have stayed in Oregon, even if it meant V would lose a friend. She didn’t want, under any circumstances, for Judy to be chewed up and spit out. Not that Judy hasn’t been already, but she didn’t need more of it. 

“Judy...wow...I...I’m really touched. Shit, what did I do to deserve you?” 

Judy shrugged, face still in her characteristic smirk. “Exist. You’re more magnetic than you think. But now that I’m done beating around the bush --”

“Oh, so that’s how you like your girls.” That comment earned her a smack on the forearm, Judy rolling her eyes. 

“V, I wanna blame Johnny for that comment so bad, but I know you’re just as crude. Lemme ask, you two fuck yet?” 

V was in the middle of drinking, and that question made her choke. Coughing and beating her chest, her eyes almost popped out of her head. “Judy! What the fuck!? You can’t just ask that!” 

“Oh, yes I can! It’s you two, I’m not talkin’ to a nun and a priest. So, that’s a ‘no.’ Why not?” 

Why not indeed. V was thankful that the food came, giving her an out while she ate her sandwich. Popping the fries in her mouth, she was trying to buy time before Judy pressed her more, knowing she most certainly would. 

“Why not?” Judy asked again, and V glared, not wanting to really answer, but knowing she couldn’t wiggle out of it like she could with other people. 

“If I’m honest, I got no answer. Things just...” she waved one hand around in random motions, “haven’t happened, I guess? Like we sleep in the same bed, he has his shit --”

“I’m sorry, you sleep in the same bed, but you two haven’t made moves? V, c’mon. Did you get a brain scan to check for damages? Friends don’t just sleep in the same bed.”

“We did. And we certainly didn’t --”

“We slept in the same bed because if you rolled on your back you’d be dead right now.” Judy’s voice was dead serious, and it made V suck in a breath and hold it. Sometimes she forgot how bad off she was, making Judy stay up all night worrying over her. 

“Well, is it stupid to say I don’t wanna mess up what we have? If I press Johnny, force him into somethin’ without him bein’ ready, he’d probably feel...Some type of way ‘bout it.” She chewed the inside of her lip, worrying the flesh between her teeth. 

“V, you spend so much damn time thinkin’ about how others feel. Ever think that you should consider yourself? I know for a fact that Johnny made you a little more selfish, so use it for once. Tell ‘im how you feel, and see where it goes. Don’t forget, I had to dig around in his head too, and you’d be shocked about what’s in there. I need another smoke, comin’ with?” 

Her third mistake was getting up and following Judy.

They paid for their meal, wondering around the back of the restaurant to smoke in the alley, just so they could talk more. V figured it was so she couldn’t bolt to her car and take off. Which is fair, since she certainly thought about it. Walking in front of Judy, her hands were in the pockets of the Samurai jacket, just a constant staple in her wardrobe. Maybe Judy had a point. What did she have to lose? If she was feeling something for him, maybe he felt something back. He had been working on himself, becoming better, so there was some potential. And if he was changing, she could too, opening up and doing something she wanted for once. 

Rounding the corner, she saw it. At first, she didn’t register what exactly was going on, putting her arm out to stop Judy, her first reaction to go “Oh, whoa! Uhh...Judy, I don’t think we should come back here for a smoke.” Her eyes, adjusting to scene recognized something first. The denim jacket. On the arm was a Samurai patch and a shitty rendition of the “Johnny + V” tattoo, drawn on in marker, right under. 

Something in her snapped. 

Her limbs felt numb, and she stared at the scene, locking eyes with Johnny, until Judy grabbed her arm and led her away. She didn’t think Judy saw, as she made no comment nor did she run into the alley to rip off Johnny’s dick. But fuck, her chest hurt. 

She made an excuse to Judy, something, that let her leave. On autopilot, V didn’t think about where to go. She just drove off from the place, rethinking her whole life. Was that just how Johnny was with people? Fuck, he did it to Kerry. Slept in the same bed as him each night he wasn’t with a lover. Eventually it led to sex, to heartache. Maybe he was just stringing her along to keep a roof over his head, playing the good boy while he was home, pretending to give her just what she wanted. 

Hell, he was in her head long enough to figure out how to do it. Saw it all. Saw how fucking badly she wanted a small family of her own, someone to be happy that she was around, alive. Wasn’t that hard to play house with her, not like he could really leave her place, and she didn’t leave either. Didn’t have the money to, and frankly he just needed to give her a pretty little face and she’d melt. 

She didn’t cry at all, quite different than what she did every other time her heart was broken. 

Were all the times he laughed with her, shared a meal with her, got ready in the same bathroom with her, just an act? She was so caught up in her own little world, trying so hard to hold on to something, anything, that maybe she fabricated the whole thing. Trying so hard not to think about the fact that she hadn’t even been a merc in the city for a whole year, and everything was just so fucked. Her knuckles were white, gripping the steering wheel, trying to find somewhere, anywhere, to get fucked up beyond recognition. 

She tried so damn hard to keep it together, try not to drink too much, try not to fall off the wagon again, to try and keep the fact she needed to bury her grief hidden from the world. She wanted to be better so fucking bad, and maybe build something with the people she loved. Sure, she was pretty pissed at a lot of them, but they were all she had. Helped her so much in the past that maybe them accidentally hurting her in the name of saving her was okay. 

But she was so fucking hurt over it. Felt so damn lost. Felt like she wasn’t even listened to when she was clearly in pain. Sure, they didn’t know her well enough to know what her specific brand of pain was, but fuck!

Johnny knew. And man, did he just stomp her to the ground. 

He lived in her fucking soul. She lived in his. They knew all the good, bad, and everything in between. Watched as the other suffered. And, she thought, they loved each other. 

She loved him. 

Apparently that was one sided. 

Getting out of her car, she slammed the door, kicking it so hard that it left a dent. Hands in her pockets – 

She dumped the jacket in the trash, not turning back to check whether or not it landed in the can correctly. If some scop wanted a stupid, fucking Samurai jacket they could have it. She certainly didn’t want it anymore. When she got home – if she made it home – she’d toss out the rest of the merch and all of Johnny’s shit with it. 

But she didn’t plan on making it home. 

The bar she parked at looked shady as fuck, meaning that she could find all she wanted there. If the drinks didn’t kill her, the drugs cut with something that would go straight to her brain and flatline her, then she’d look at the wrong person and get a shiv to the ribs. 

Perfect. 

Walking in, she went to the bar, and in quick succession downed the cheapest shots she could, convincing the bar tender to just give her a bottle. Bottle in hand, she stumbled to the bathroom, where a wonderful lady offered her something from a baggie. V didn’t give a shit what it was or what it did. All she knew was that she could pop the pills in her mouth and wash them down with liquor that tasted like lighter fluid. Damn, in that moment she really did feel like Johnny, and in a way she thanked him for giving her the idea and the impulse to finally it take it this far. 

Her final mistake was calling Jackie. 

V didn’t know how long she had been out, wandering from bar to shady bar, sometimes the sun would be out, sometimes it wouldn’t. But when she made the stupid choice to call Jackie, it was dark. Lying on the cold concrete of Night City, it was a pretty familiar feeling. It always came with the feeling that she was gonna flatline, and she certainly felt like that again. Going on a binge like this never ended well, knowing well from Johnny’s memories how it usually ended for him. Only, she didn’t have someone to come get her, making sure she landed on safe ground. She kept ignoring their calls, making damn sure she could roam these streets in peace. 

Her holo was almost dead, and she started to cry. Hitting the call button, she called Jackie. It said the number wasn’t available, and she disregarded it. Choosing to live in the past. Like the voicemail she was about to leave would reach him somehow. And he’d come swooping in like he always did.

“Hey Jack...I need help. I know you told me once that I was too soft for this shit, ‘n I think you’re right. All I ever wanted was to make it big. Well, I did…Told you that before, though. Talk to you...a lot. Look up at the sky sometimes ‘n tell you when ‘m happy or sad. Told ya ‘bout Johnny, right? Well I fuckin’ hate him now...” she started sobbing, her chest heaving, “God dammit. That’s what I wish I could say. Fuck, Jack, what’s wrong with me?”

Everything came crashing down, her brain starting to feel numb, her eyelids getting heavy. Even if she wasn't drinking, days of no sleep would do this to anyone. The concrete didn’t feel as rough anymore. “What did I do wrong, Jack? Tell me, please? Tell me so I can go ‘n fix it, like I fix other people. I thought, at the end of our journey, that Johnny and I...that maybe I wouldn’t be alone anymore, ya know, choom? Ever since you left, ‘m not the same...Johnny was the next best thing for a while, until I...Then he...” She started hyperventilating, her chest sucking in as much air as she could, but it wasn’t enough. 

The holo died. 

She was left alone, breathing slowing down, and fuck did it feel poetic landing near some ever present trash. V knew that at some point she’d flatline on these streets, their rough exterior swallowing her whole. She could feel herself slipping more, and her mind, in its haze, kept thinking over and over again about Johnny. It was always Johnny. 

In her final moments of conscious thought, she remembered a conversation they had, back in the middle of their journey. One that made her realize she might be falling in love with her parasite. He had asked her, once, what color her eyes were before the implants. 

“Never changed ‘em. All my implants took on the appearance of my eyes before I had ‘em put in. Never wanted to change anything ‘bout me at all, in fact. Always thought that if the corpos owned my face I’d lose my sense of identity. Ain’t much to that now, thanks to you, but at least my face is my face.” 

He laughed at that response, taking his Aviators off and leaning in close, studying her face. It was then she smelled him for the first time, and realized he smelled a little sweet under all the muck and grime. 

“No shit? Those eyes look like that without modifications? Fuck, V. If I had seen you back in my day, woulda convinced you to come backstage. Now?” He laughed again cutting himself off. 

“What? Pretty face can’t hide what’s inside? Huh, weird. Kinda how I feel about you.” 

He shook his head, leaning against the wall and staring up, like he always did. Lost in perpetual thought. 

“Nah. Not it. Now? Now I realize the value in gettin’ to know a person. The real person, lookin’ past all the flaws. Sure, your face ain’t symmetrical, and your nose is fucked up because you keep settin’ it yourself, but damn. And if I had seen you back then, actually sat down and talked to you, maybe I wouldn’t be here now. ‘Cause those eyes could change a man. Woulda written a song ‘bout ‘em.” 

Another tear falling, she wished so badly for that to have been true. That he really had changed. It was so clear now he hadn’t, but he made his mark on her now. Turning her head, she looked down at her arm, blurry vision obscuring the tattoo, but she knew it was there. 

Forgetting that he was really gone from her head, she looked around as best she could, things going dark.

“Johnny...I’m scared...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams into the void* I'M SORRY
> 
> Thank you still for all the support. God I could keep crying and crying over how much love this fic is getting. It's something I'm really enjoying, crafting a story that I feel fits with the world we were given in Cyberpunk. 
> 
> I'm also actually excited for the next few chapters, because it's not as emotionally rough as this one was. Think Scooby Doo, but trying to find V.


	9. Less Than

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May update the next chapter later today as a New Years gift, just because I had a lot of fun writing everyone getting rightfully pissed at Johnny. But this chapter, while not shippy or romantic, was fun to me because it was making Johnny and River put on their get along shirt. Sometimes I just like to have fun after making myself sad skfjddsjfskdf. The next chapter, I think, is a little better, but I just loved having Johnny and River roll around, and this chapter was mainly for me.
> 
> Regardless, Happy New Year chooms, may we all have a better 2021!

At some point, Johnny realized this wasn’t a normal “I’m gone because I’m mad at you” deal. The idea popped into his head when he finally looked around the apartment, searching for a toy Nibbles had swatted under the couch. When he lifted the furniture, sure he found a treasure trove of toys, but he also found liquor and empty pill bottles. The pills had collected some dust, something that showed him they weren’t fresh, but there were quite a few. The liquor, however, was fresh. Some still having a little left in the bottle. 

He should have recognized the signs. The cautious way people handled her, Kerry’s warning, Rogue’s willingness to fire the best merc NC had ever seen. He felt like a fucking fool. For all he did teasing V that she was the dumbest person he ever met, he might have to stop that now. Getting the bright idea, he called V’s holo, just to see if she would even pick up. He tried the first night back when he thought this was just a spat, but of course she ignored it. And he hoped that it would at least ring. If it would ring. 

But of course it was dead. A pit formed in his stomach. If the holo was dead that meant shit was bad, and he hoped to hell he pulled his head out of his ass quick enough to find her – alive. In this city he would be fucking lucky if he found her body at all. And he hated that thought. 

Chain smoking his way to the garage, he got on Jackie’s bike, not before apologizing profusely to his dead soul. It was the fastest vehicle they had that would also weave through cars if he needed. And need he did. 

“Jackie, can I call you choom? Prolly not. If you were alive, I’d be flatlined on the pavement instead of V. You’d see to that. I’m gonna borrow this to go get our – your – girl. This is the fastest thing she’s got, ‘n I don’t have time to waste. I dunno if the soul exists, but if it does, and you’re a ghost, just kill me after I find her.” 

Zipping off, he hated that his head was clear enough to think with the wind whipping it. What’s upsetting was that he wanted to have that rage boil over, fuel his desire to go get V, but he didn’t have it in him. All he had was a head full of regret and bitter pills he kept swallowing over and over again. There were so many times before, with so many different people, where he went out of his way to fuck up a good thing. Fuck, he didn’t even have it in him to go all the way with that bitch in the alley. Got soft the moment he saw V. He really is fucking stupid. 

And like last time, when he bombed a tower to get revenge for a girl, he needed help.

But fuck, he did he not want to be pulling up to here. 

Didn’t even need the fucking GPS, knowing the route from when he and V had a few romps out this way. Memorized it because it pissed him off so damn much it made him feel sick. Parking the bike, he strolled into the yard, past some playing kids, hitting the brick wall that was the guy’s firecracker of a sister. 

“Whoa there, choom. Who are you?” Her hand was on his chest as he tried to get into River’s house, really losing his resolve to get help. He didn’t want to be here, and fuck if she was giving him a reason not to waste time and turn around. 

“I need River. Or does he need permission from his mommy to come out and play?” Now was probably not the time to be pissing off people, but Johnny needed some outlet for frustration it just wasn’t enough rage to go do his usual flavor of reckless shit. His head was still strangely clear, just enough to know he needed help, but still not enough that he needed to attract flies with honey instead of piss. 

“The way you’re talking, I don’t think you two are chooms. Get off my property before I go get him. And it won’t be to help you.” It felt like poking a bear, but Johnny rolled on.

“Ah, so I guess his mommy said ‘no.’ That’s real shitty, ‘cause I’m not the one who really needs his help. V does. So I’m going to get him, and you can fuck off.” Whatever he said must have struck her, because her face softened, hand coming off his chest. 

“V? Shit. I’ll get River.” Johnny didn’t even realize he said V’s name until Joss walked (jogged, really) off, going into River’s place, emerging with River putting on that stupid fucking coat. Damn he looked like such a gonk, and he can’t believe he had to taste his cum on more than one occasion. 

“Come with me.” The guy did get straight to business when shit was serious, and Johnny showing up at his doorstep probably counted as serious shit. Following River, he recognized the path they were going on and stopped in his tracks, crossing his arms. 

“Oh, you must have the wrong fuckin’ idea, choom. I ain’t goin’ up on that water tower. Seen what happens when you bring people up there.” 

The burly man turned around, agitated as hell. Shit, he thought poking at Joss was like poking a bear, but that stupid fucking coat made him look a little bigger than a person should. “Really? You’re gonna do this right now? Joss said V needed help, right?” Johnny nodded, still scowling at the guy. He was going to hate begging this guy for help. 

“She’s missing, isn’t she?” 

“Well shit, Mr. PI, how’d ya guess? Why don’t ya ask her yoursel --” 

“You are the fucking worst, and I swear to you if your bullshit gets her killed I will dump your body where nobody will find it. Clear?” That threat made Johnny swallow, following him the rest of the way in silence. Climbing the tower, River spoke to him again. 

“Kinda figured something was up. I called her two days ago, and she let it ring to voicemail. Called again in the morning, and still nothing. Panam couldn’t get to her either.” Reaching their destination, River reached down to help Johnny up, and he had to grip his hand. And he hated it. 

“Then lemme ask this: why didn’t you do somethin’ two days ago? She’s been gone for three.” 

River was frustrated, letting out a long, exacerbated sigh, closing the one real eye he had left. “’Cause, being the gonk I am, I figured that if something was seriously wrong, you’d have the foresight to call someone to help as soon as she ran off. But, I see that wasn’t the case. Why’d it even take you more than two hours to figure out you should go looking for her?”

“Yeah, she saw me gettin’ my dick wet behind some joint, so we weren’t on speak --” A fist connected with his face, and Johnny heard something crack in his face. Eyes shut on impact, when he opened them River was winding up for another punch that connected on the opposite cheek to the one that was hit, the only reason he didn’t fall off the tower being that River was not holding him up his shirt. 

“So you’re telling me that she’s been gone for three days because you decided to fuck some joytoy!? Are you kidding me!?” 

Johnny wanted so badly to sock this guy in the face, start a brawl right here and now, let off some steam, but that would be a bad idea. Because he needed River. 

“Look, I get it! I fucked up! In case you weren’t aware, I fuck everythin’ up because I’m fucked up! But we don’t have time for this ‘cause if we keep this up there’s no gettin’ her back! And I’ll apologize to her when we get her! I need her back, River.” 

River set him down, sucked in another breath, and then pulled out some device he hooked up to an antenna at the tower. Rubbing his jaw, Johnny felt it pop as he moved it, and he was sure he’d feel that in the morning. 

“So, how the fuck is this gonna help us?”

“I tagged her jacket. When I saw her at the Afterlife I figured it would help out since you were back in town. Thought you’d push her over the edge again. Your track record with women is kinda infamous. See I was ri --” Johnny’s fist raised up this time, connecting with River’s jaw. 

“You tagged V like a fuckin’ animal!? Just track her holo like a person person!” 

He was losing his touch, apparently, because River didn’t even punch back or seem to notice what happened. “I also knew if you found it you’d be pissed. ‘Cause you seem to think that because you pulled her out of Hell you have the sole rights on caring for her. You don’t, and never will. So for the sake of V, I’m gonna ignore that, just like you’ll ignore that I tagged her. Besides, her holo can’t be traced. You should know that.” Pacing the tower, Johnny took in deep breaths, just as River was, to calm down. The guy was right, on all fronts, so they were stuck like this. Had to get along. For V. Even if he still hated him. Even if he still thought River was better than him.

“Your cum tastes disgusting. Eat some fuckin’ pineapple or somethin’.” That was the only thing Johnny could think to say in concession, though he realized that might not have been something to say to someone who probably doesn’t know the intricacies of what having the Relic was like. 

But it got a reaction out of the guy, River pinching the bridge of his nose and muttering the ways he was going to dispose of Johnny’s body. “Thanks, Robert. I’ll keep that in mind for next time. And before I ask how rough you like to be fucked, I got her location. Some shady ass bar. Let’s roll.” Walking past Johnny, River pushed him, and if Johnny hadn’t hit the railing he would have tumbled to his death. 

But they may have V, and that was enough for him. 

They used River’s truck, not being able to fit two, let alone three, people on Jackie’s bike. Joss promised to keep it safe, and if anything happened to that bike V was surely going to kill him. Or haunt him. Johnny smoked through an entire pack on their way to coordinates, and he expected to get shit from River. But no. All the guy wanted was one to take the edge off. 

“Never seen that bike before. You steal it?” People always assumed the worst in Johnny, and he knew that it was well deserved. But, fuck, he did not want to take it from this gonk. 

“You know, it’s a lot harder to steal somethin’ than you think. But no. It’s V’s. She got it from a friend. Figured it would help get me to you safely. Or kill me instantly if it crashed. Either one woulda worked.” Puffing smoke, he handed River another cigarette when the guy stretched out his hand. 

“You are one miserable son of a bitch. Man, how did you pull so much tail back in your day? Some of the old women in the city still talk about that shit.” That made Johnny laugh, thinking back to the days before 2023. Before Alt. Well before V.

“I fronted a band, choom. From there it was real fuckin’ simple. You look like a jazz man. Go sing some jazz, you’ll get as much pussy as you want. Start drownin’ in it.” This made River laugh, the shaking his head. 

“Choom, I’m gonna be real with you. I have no idea what ‘jazz’ even is.” 

Johnny rubbed his face, his jaw still on fire from being punched. “Fuck I hate the future. Shoulda stayed in the past.”

“Speaking of your past, why are you here with me? I know for a fact you have chooms alive in the city. All of them are on a watch list at the NCPD, so I’m well aware some are still alive. So why me? Would’ve had a better time with them.” 

Another cigarette, and Johnny hoped they were close to the bar. “Yeah, I got ‘em. I mean, you were in Rogue’s damn bar. But...none of ‘em care for V like...like her own chooms. Maybe Ker does, but he’s so damn unstable I’d end up pullin’ him off the concrete too. Plus, this ain’t about havin’ a good time strollin’ through the city – seein’ the sights. This is ‘bout findin’ V. Gettin’ her and makin’ sure she lives. You coulda ripped my fuckin’ balls off and I’d still be sittin’ here in this truck with you. Was never about me.” 

The noise that came from River was a low hum, and Johnny couldn’t tell if he was satisfied for displeased with the answer he gave. Not like it mattered, though. Johnny meant it when he said he wasn’t there for himself. He was there for V. Didn’t need the approval of some guy who wears stupid coats or can’t eat properly and still expects girls to swallow. 

“To clarify, they don’t care about V or they don’t care enough about you to help?” 

“Probably both. Again, all I got is V and Ker. And even Ker has his own life now. Ain’t my job to fuck it up again. Did that enough when he was getting a contact high from havin’ my dick in his mouth. Right now, I think I owe it to ‘im to let sleeping dogs lie.” 

“We’re here, but before we get out, I wanna say something. Don’t respond to it because I’ll take it back. But, I think I get why V likes you so much, even if you are just fucking terrible.”

Johnny just snorted, getting out of the truck without saying a word. They first searched outside. Finding nothing, they went in, hit with the smell of ammonia and alcohol. How V even walked inside this was was beyond River, but Johnny got it. Reminded him of his binges and the places he would scour. It was just a familiar feeling, the first thing he did was check the bathrooms, yielding nothing but junkies and puke. Looking around, something caught River’s eye, a Samurai logo on a leather jacket. Bingo. 

Upon walking up to the person who was slumped over, they realized this scop was not V, but he did have her jacket. Johnny figured it wasn’t V, that would have been too easy, but seeing this drunk wear his jacket – her jacket – pissed him off. 

“Where the fuck did you get this jacket!?” 

That snapped Johnny out of his momentary rage, eyes wide when River yelled. If he had been fast enough, Johnny would have loved to be the one playing bad cop right now, slamming the guy against the wall. But River looked a hell of a lot more intimidating, and he was doing a better job than Johnny ever could of scaring his guy. Scop even pissed himself, scared out of his mind. 

Lighting up a cigarette, Johnny got in close, blowing the smoke in his face. “You got about two seconds to answer before I snub this shit out on your face. Then I’ll let this guy pummel it. So play nice.” 

“I-I found it in the trash! Honest! I-I didn’t steal it, p-promise!” River narrowed his eyes, but the guy didn’t change his story. Even if he was lying, they doubted some idiot could actually take on V and win, no matter the state she was in. So, River let Johnny do the honors of punching the guy’s lights out, taking the jacket off his body. They shared a momentary smile, a truce among people who had a goal in mind.

Questioning the bartender was next, and the guy only said she came in, got a bottle from him, went to the bathroom, and then went on her merry way. No idea where she was going. Great. 

Getting back to the truck, Johnny paced, looking around for any sign of where V might have gone, searching his brain on what he would have done in his most fucked up state. But he got nowhere, and River was looking suspiciously calm. 

“You just gonna sit there, just like all of NC’s finest, or are you actually gonna do something?” 

“You know, Johnny, it’s getting real hard to ignore your shit. Just let me think, please.” Johnny tapped his foot, nervous energy getting the best of him. He wasn’t doing much better, so maybe this guy was getting somewhere in his head. 

“We need more people to help. The more heads, the more ideas. I’m calling Panam. I wish Judy were here, but --”

“She is...When V found me...she was with Judy. Don’t think Judy saw what happened, though.” 

River’s brows furrowed, looking at Johnny. “Yeah, good thing she didn’t see. She might be the only one who can maybe track V through her tech. I’ll call them both. And Johnny? Don’t be a fucking dick when they get here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my own personal playthrough the game I romanced Judy because I love her dearly, but I still made V fuck River. Because sdkfjkljfkslfskf it's just funny watching Johnny lose his mind over it. And I know that man is still not over it for so many reasons.


	10. Right Where It Belongs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Panam Palmer could punch me in the face and I would thank her.

Johnny didn’t imagine this would be how Panam would throw him against a car, but here he was, being repeatedly banged into the side of Panam’s ride, her hands gripping into his jacket. If he didn’t deserve it, he’d fight back. But he took it, knowing well he didn’t have the right to refuse it. 

“JOHNNY, ARE YOU KIDDING!? I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL KILL YOU WHEN THIS IS OVER!” 

“Get in line, sweetheart, River called dibs first. And both of you will have to wait until Judy punches me, then gives me the beer I’m owed.” No matter the situation, he swore he could just not resist being a dick. But it was a lot easier than trying to come to terms with the fact that it was his fault entirely that V was gone, and shit did he feel bad for it. 

So, he kept getting slammed into her car while Judy was on the roof, fiddling with some tech. When she was through with bashing his back and skull into the car, she punched him in the nose, kicked him in the stomach, and when he fell to the ground she kicked him in the ribs for good measure. Fuck he’d be sore in the morning. Wiping the blood from his nose, he flicked the crimson liquid to the ground, checking to see if his Aviators were still in one piece. Luckily, they were. 

“Oh, you think you can be fuckin’ funny right now!? Go to Hell!”

“Alright, I got something!” Judy’s voice pulled Panam and Johnny’s attentions, also getting River to leave the backseat of Panam’s car. All eyes were on Judy as she hopped down, screen in her hand blipping. 

“Last person to call her and get through was me, right? So somewhere a cell tower musta grabbed the signal. Using my own phone, I pretty much narrowed down the area where the call came from. Not exactly my specialty, but I’m good enough. And, there’s only one bar in the immediate area. Might not be where she is now, but it’s a start. Somethin’ to work with. Everyone ready to go?” 

“No, but I guess I don’t have a choice. Front seat, Silverhand. You don’t get to leave my sight.” Panam hopped in the driver’s seat, and Johnny followed her orders, pulling himself up off the ground and crawling into the front seat. The other two took up the back, Judy behind Panam. 

By now it was mid-afternoon, using most of the day trying to get anywhere using Judy’s methods. It felt like time wasted, but driving around Night City would have taken longer, and without all the key parts they’d be lost. The one good side to Panam’s prolonged beating was that he didn’t think of V for a minute or two while the fear coursed through him, but when Panam screamed, the guilt welled up inside one more. He really hated that he deserved the beating he got.

“How long can someone go on one of these binges?” Panam posed the question like it was to the entire car, but Johnny knew it was directed at him.

“My longest, without sleep, was a week and a half. But I doubt she’d be able to find the uppers I was on. That shit was designer, expensive, and long gone now that glitter ‘n other shit is on the streets. They really don’t make ‘em like they used to.” Looking at Judy, he paused before asking, knowing she probably wasn’t going to want to answer. But, things had to be done. “V...she did pills, right? Found some bottles this mornin’.” 

“Yeah. Got the first bottle from that ripperdoc of hers for the pain of havin’ her shit rewritten. Kept gettin’ more from my downstairs neighbor.” Judy looked guilty as all hell, but Johnny knew there wasn’t much she could have done to stop it. “Tried tellin’ her to get help, but she just kept lyin’ to me about it. And I didn’t have the heart to stop her...”

“So, you just let her keep on going? Fucking Christ, Judy.” River was clearly disappointed in his seatmate, but he didn’t get it. He’d never really get it. And in a way, Johnny was jealous yet again of the guy. 

“Look, choom, you go ahead and blame Judy if it helps you sleep at night, but it’s not her fault.” Johnny rolled down the window, not caring if Panam was going to yell at him for smoking. Judy did the same, clearly on the same wavelength. 

“Ha! Yeah, we don’t need to blame Judy when we got the cause sittin’ in my front seat! She never did this shit before you.” Panam’s accusation was partly right, but Johnny realized something right there. It made his heart sink, thinking back on the swirl of memories he collected from V’s head. Enormous highs and dangerous lows, and a constant fear of death and dying. A constant pull to make it big in Night City, realizing the cost only when it was too late to return it for her eddies back. 

“That ain’t true. Shoulda seen her in her teens, or when she was with Jackie. Did some real wild shit. She ever tell you all ‘bout Jackie? ‘Bout her closest choom? Anything past that he existed?” The car fell silent, only the sound of the air outside rushing into the car. The setting sun making Johnny squint even through his Aviators. 

“Like I thought. You all act like you know V. Like you’ve known V since the day she was born. But you don’t. She always had these tendencies, but yeah, blame me. Real easy, ain’t it? Never questioned why my chooms always did.” Tossing his cigarette, he wanted for Judy to finish to roll up the window, the car falling deathly silent for a minute. Everyone was lost in thought, likely thinking of all the things they knew of V. 

“Alright, fine. Maybe we don’t know V like you do. Pardon us for making a friend in the old fashioned way. Yet again, Silverhand is above us all. A god among men.” Panam scoffed, fuming in her seat before she continued. “But I’ll counter with this: do you even care about V? ‘Cause, I know River does, and Judy. I do. But not once have I seen you do something nice for her. In fact, if you weren’t around, we wouldn’t be out lookin’ for her. Maybe she’d still be out doing crazy shit, but she’d be a hell of a lot more stable.” The bite Panam usually had was gone, but it was replaced with venom. Like she had already sunk in her fangs and was now infecting his soul. And in a way she was. 

What’s worse was that she wasn’t entire wrong. Of course he cared for V; he cared for her with all his being. But he never once let someone else see that. He couldn’t before, when he was in her head, but the last time any of them saw Johnny and V interact, there was a fight. And he was a real dick to her. He’s been a real dick to her over all, so unsure of how to handle himself that he just kept hurting her over and over again.

Still, he couldn’t help himself. “Nah, can’t say I do care. ‘Cause, according to you, Johnny Silverhand can’t --”

“Pan, he does. Trust me. But I gotta say, he’s real shit at showin’ it. I think we all are. Don’t think we can lop the blame on the easiest target. Even though I wanna do it too. We can all agree on somethin’, though. We all love V, and we gotta get her back.” That’s right. Judy wasn’t there for the fight. She’s been gone most of the time that he’s been alive again. 

She heard him that day on the dock. That stupid BD experiment accomplished few things, but it did allow Judy to hear him. Listen. And what he said while V was out on that dock, the way he panicked when she was pulled from the water, as he slapped her cheeks to make sure she was awake, how he kept yelling that it wasn’t her time yet, that he needed her. Judy heard it all. 

Looking back at her, her leg came up to kick the seat, a finger pointed at his face. “But you’re not off the hook! Her problems might not be your fault, but her running off is, and when we find V you’re gonna fix it! And you’re damn lucky I was up on the roof of this car or else I woulda been down there with Pan, kickin’ your ass like you deserved. And don’t fuckin’ think I still won’t.” Snorting, he turned around, glaring up at the roof of the car. 

Finally, River chimed in, needing to add something. “Alright, so we established we all care for V. And somehow we’re all to blame for where we are now. Where V is. When we get her, we should all help fix it.” 

As much as he hated to admit it, and how much he was going to need another smoke after speaking, Johnny had to say something. “No, River, you’re off the hook. You didn’t do shit but help us out.” 

“Coulda kept her in my bed. Would’ve kept her out of your arms.” Johnny’s muscles tensed, ready to reach behind him, strangle this fucker, but he didn’t. Because River was right. When those two were together she didn’t think about Johnny. It was only when he inserted himself, made baseless and rude accusations about the guy that she thought about Johnny. The guy really was better for her, if only because he didn’t torment her with his bad behavior. But, if they found V alive, she could make that choice herself. 

If he learned anything from this, he learned it wasn’t right to remove her right to choose. Even if everyone thought it was the wrong choice. Even if it ended up hurting him to see her make it. 

“Then again, I had this feeling that if I got too close, when it was time for her to go, I’d have a hard time with it. Have a hard time seeing her walk off. So I didn’t even try that hard to get her to stay.” River’s self deprecation seemed strange on him, but Johnny knew everyone hated some aspect of themselves. Maybe River’s was that he couldn’t stay in one place for long, his name living up to its meaning. Also true to his name, he had a way of smoothing out the edges of something, and Johnny really wished he could be the same. 

"Yeah, and buggin' her might have also been a fuck up, but I'll let it slide for now. But know, I ain't real pleased with that." Judy, for all her worth, was not letting anyone in this car get away with their shit.

The car stopped in front of the bar, and Judy and River left the vehicle, leaving Panam and Johnny to wait. Opening the door, he leaned out, smoking yet another cigarette, eyes fixed on the door of the bar, hoping they’d pull a very tired, and very drunk, V out with them. 

“You know, Johnny --” 

“Gonna ream me now that my defense squad it gone? Go ahead, I’ll let ya.” 

“No, I’m not...” She seemed sad, and Johnny threw his half smoked cig down on the ground, getting back in the seat the correct way to look at Panam, hands placed behind his head, feigning relaxation. He learned from V that if his body seemed relaxed, people tended to be more open. And Panam really needed to let something off her chest. “I’ve been thinking. Was it right for me to pull strings and get V fired?”

“’Bout as right as it was for me to try and get with some wannabe joytoy.”

She nods, looking out of the driver’s side window, sniffling. “So outta the four of us, we fucked V over the most. Great. Guess Saul was right about me. Fuck, Johnny, all I wanted to do was make sure she stayed safe. Now...well, you see where we are.” 

Johnny didn’t know what to say to her, only putting a hand on her shoulder in solidarity – to show he felt very similar. He wanted the same thing for her, and look where that got him. 

“Heh, if what we used to have with V isn’t salvageable, wanna shag up? We’d make a terrible pair, but hey, we’d share a common misery.” He knew it was a joke on Panam’s part, but he didn’t laugh. Not even a weak pity laugh to make her feel better. 

“That ain’t even funny, Pan. She’ll forgive you before me. And if she doesn’t want me around I’ll be leavin’. For good. Won’t have to worry ‘bout me fuckin’ her up anymore than I already have. She’s better off tryin’ to sort through all the things she’s been through without havin’ me ‘round to remind her why she’s in this shit in the first place. Plus, if I ain’t here, she could always go shag up with River again – have a peaceful life.” He leaves his hand on her shoulder, unsure if he should remove it or not. If anything, it’s grounding for him as he sees night descending on the city, their chances of finding V getting slimmer. 

“Can I ask something?” 

“Sure, whatever.” 

“Why are you so jealous of River? It’s real clear things are done between them.” He didn’t think it was that obvious he had a one sided beef with the guy, but he guessed he wasn’t trying to hide it either. Aviators off once more, stashed in his pocket, he just looked at the sunset, hoping that because it looked so beautiful that it meant things would turn out alright. 

“Haven’t said this to anyone before, but he’s everything I’m not. More specifically, he can give V everything I can’t. But, if I lived like him I’d blow my brains out. Guy’s boring as fuck. That’s the thing of it, though. Maybe she needs boring, just to make her feel normal again. I’ll never be able to give her that. And, as much as I wish I could just up and tell ‘er she should be with River, I can’t. Wouldn’t be right. So, now I just gotta fuckin’ glare at the guy and insult him. Though, it’s pretty easy with that stupid jacket.” God he hated that jacket. 

“That jacket is pretty fuckin’ dumb. You really think that River could handle her, though? We’ve both seen her do some crazy shit, Johnny. River seems too tame for that.”

“Just because the engine runs hot doesn’t mean you can skip on the coolant. I’ve seen what happens when chaos meets chaos. Shit burns bright, it’s fun, but in the end both parties are so burnt out they have nothin’ left for anyone. Takes a while to get it back, too.”

Panam nodded, probably relating to that a little too much. “Eh, for what it’s worth, no matter how bright you burn, ‘cause I know you’re the one who does, it won’t bother her. Wanna get all metaphorical? Fuck, you’re an artist, ‘course you do. If you’re the sun she’s the moon, and she just reflects whatever you throw at her. That’s ‘bout as deep a thought I got for ya. My brain’s fuzzier than the collar of River’s jacket.” Both laughed a little, finding common humor in a horrible situation. 

And, like summoning Beetlejuice, they may have thought about the jacket too much, River’s form emerging from the bar. Judy followed, but there wasn’t a third member. The pit in Johnny’s stomach grew deeper, nausea setting in. 

“Got a lead. She went North. Just follow the road and we might find her. Not many places in this area not visible from the street. And if we keep going North and find another bar, we keep on asking.” River’s plan was as good as any, and the gang kept rolling on. Slow. Eyes peeled for any sign of their friend. 

“What brought you back to NC, Judy? If it were me I would’ve stayed away.” The question came out of nowhere, but Johnny figured that River might just want to keep their minds off of the fact that things weren’t looking great. 

“Needed to tell V that I was sorry for tellin’ her she’d end up like Evie. That she was going to die in the same way. Nobody should hear that, ‘specially someone so fuckin’ afraid of dyin’. Plus, I got some business here. Shit with the Mox and all that. Glad I did, else you all would still be lost on where to look for V.” 

The car fell silent again, Panam still slowly rolling down the road. Johnny, feeling extra philosophical, decided to impart some words to let the car consider. Something he was good at, even if he rarely listened to or took in anything he said. 

“Well, well, well. Look at us. A miserable lot who loves one person so much, but in all the wrong ways. I’d call her lucky, but, ya know. So caught up in ourselves that we forgot to look at reality. We gotta promise to do right by her, in the ways she needs. Always did right by us.” 

Each person nodded, and Johnny was content with that. He didn’t need a discussion. He knew he was right. And he needed to heed those words more than any of them. 

“PAN, STOP! STOP!”

Judy’s shrill made Panam jerk the car to a stop, and Johnny’s eyes followed where she was frantically pointing to. Jumping from the car, Johnny slid across the hood, not even bothering to take the extra second to run around it. 

There, limp body being dragged along by a group of Scavs, was V. Her legs, torn up from the concrete, looked the worst, but she still looked alive. At least, she didn’t look like any corpse Johnny had seen. Three bullets, two for the heads of the Scavs dragging V’s body, and a warning shot to the rest that made them scatter. Bodies falling in a heap, Johnny pushed the dead ones off V, his hands brushing off the blood and brain from her face. Flesh hand on her neck, he felt a pulse. Aviators, dug out from his jacket, were placed under her nose, the fog of her breathing creeping over the glass. Her pulse was slow and her breathing even slower, but she was alive. 

A wreck, from the torn up legs to her haggard face, sunken in from her escapade, but alive. Pulled to his chest, he held her body close, like if he let go she would slip away again. 

River came over next, leaving Panam and Judy screaming in the car like dogs left in a parking lot. The other man made a move to touch her, and Johnny flinched, the fight or flight from when he had to drag her out of worse situations kicking in. Oddly, it was River’s calm voice that calmed him. 

“I got her Johnny. I’m trained for this, alright? You get in the back, I’ll place her across you and Judy. Use that jacket to keep her warm. I’ll see if Panam has a med kit.” He didn’t want to, but he trusted River. He meant it when he said River didn’t do anything wrong. Johnny just nodded, handing over V to the man, rubbing his face before jogging back to the car. In the seat, he fished around for the Samurai jacket he shoved in the back of the car when Panam first pulled up. Jacket in hand, V was draped across him and Judy, the girl moving V’s legs so she would be comfortable. 

Not like it mattered much in this catatonic state, but it was a sweet gesture. Just the same as Johnny removing his denim jacket, deciding it was a better blanket than the jacket they had to manhandle off a drunk. That one could be flipped inside out and used as a pillow to keep her head up. 

There were cheers of celebration in the car, the other three awake occupants overwhelmed with the fact they actually found V. Alive. And relatively okay. River found something in the med kit, the cap pulled off of an injector, needle stabbed into her chest, her color coming back to her and her breathing getting stronger. Johnny himself could have used one, everything about him feeling like he was dying, face to face with the consequences of his actions. Sure, she was alive, but V looked horrible. And it was his fault.

All his fault.

The cheers didn’t stop as they drove, making their way to Vik’s. But Johnny didn’t join them. All he did was brush the hair from her face, his thumb rubbing the dirt and lingering blood from her cheeks. She looked horrible, and he knew she wasn’t out of the woods yet. Far from it. 

Shit, she was here, though, and Johnny was so happy she was. 

At Vik’s, everyone was ushered out as he worked. As time rolled on, only Johnny was left waiting by the gate, Misty sneaking him in when she knew Vik was done. 

“You sure you wanna let me in, Misty?” He paused by the door, unsure if he was even welcome. No one had said anything about what happened or why V was back here again, comatose, but he knew they’d blame him. Everyone always blamed him, and they were usually within their right to do so. 

“Whatever happened, whoever is to blame, she is close to you. Forever tied together through bonds no other mortal can know. So, no, I’m not real sure I want to let you in, but for V to wake up and find you not there? I won’t make her go through that again.” Answer satisfying enough, Johnny pushed the door open, standing there and waiting for Vik to also approve his entry.

The ripperdoc gave him one harsh look, then sighed, calling Johnny over to where he was. 

“Let me guess, River broke your nose?” One strong hand gripped Johnny’s sore jaw, making him clench. Apparently, he was getting his nose set. Without anything to numb the pain. 

“Nah, take another guess. River is too nice to do something like this to me.” Fingers traced over his nose, trying to find where to grip. Finding it, the pop was quick, crack resonating through Johnny’s skull, grunt of pain coming out louder than he would have liked.

“Must have been Panam, then. Good. If she didn’t I would have. You’re a real piece of shit.” Someone may have told Vik while he wasn’t listening, or maybe the guy was just that good at reading situations. Either way, he didn’t have a retort for his assessment. Not that he wanted to pick a fight with the guy, as it would have been a fight he’d lose no matter the battle. Wit or brawn, Vik had them both. 

Sitting by the bed, he looked at V, sleeping peacefully. Placing a hand on her cheek, she felt so much warmer than she did in the car. Vik even placed Johnny’s jacket over top the blanket she was under, claiming that his clinic was too cold and she needed extra warmth. The Samurai jacket, if she ever wanted it back, was being cleaned (and cleansed, apparently) by Misty. 

“You two need therapy. Real bad. Get it.” Vik’s stern words made Johnny break his eye contact with V’s face, turning to face him. 

“Alright, old man, you tell me what therapist specializes in engram fuck ups. Love to hear it if ya know of one.” 

“Put the hackles down, Johnny. I don’t know of one, but you both have resources in the city to find someone to listen. Be better. If you can find it in your cold ass heart, do it for her. If you can’t do it for her, then do it for yourself.”

Johnny didn’t know if he could get better for himself, his selfish desires slowly eroded the longer he was slotted in V’s skull, all but being replaced with self loathing. And now that he was out, he didn’t feel them coming back. Even worse, he didn’t think he had any hope of redemption now. Why should he get help for himself? 

“What? Not gonna act like some shitty sitcom dad, threatening to kill me if I hurt his precious baby?”

Vik groaned, just looking back his computer. “She’s not my child, but I’ll admit, I’m not too keen on her getting hurt over and over again because she can’t get you out of her head. Physically or metaphorically. And if you don’t see that that’s a problem, then you really haven’t changed.”

Unable to counter that, again not wanting to pick a fight he couldn’t win, he just turned back to V, thumb still stroking her cheek. There was a scar there, one left by Vik when she was brought here by Takemura after she was dug out of the trash. Skull opened and inspected. The Relic wasn’t fully functional yet, so he only saw it in the reflection of Vik’s glasses through V’s eyes, but fuck. How many times was he going to fuck up her head? 

Then, V’s eyes opened. Looked at him like they did almost every morning they woke up. Her mouth opened, voice rough and tired, and all she said was his name, relief washing over her. Somewhere in him he could still feel it. 

And he figured that maybe he didn’t deserve redemption, straying too far from the light, for did Lucifer ever return to heaven? But the way she looked at him, the way she had always looked at him, made him want to change. He was so beyond being saved, but he didn’t think about himself much anymore. He owed it to V to get better. She sacrificed it all for him, and he’d repay her. 

One way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vik: *holding a gun* I'm sick of your shit, go to therapy.
> 
> So we've made it 10 chapters!!! And wow, all the love this fic has received through its journey thus far is amazing. I'll gush forever about how I appreciate it all!!! <3 There's still a bit of this fic to go, and I hope it continues to be a fun ride. Love you all, chooms! Til tomorrow!! :3


	11. Somewhat Damaged

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dlkfjkdfjsfksdf we go down with the ship as always

For the first time in a long time, V woke up. 

And when the dust settled and things came in clear, the first thing she saw was Johnny. She wasn’t at home, and that familiar fear, the same fear she felt when she woke up at Vik’s every other time before, knowing she was on the precipice of death, crept into her like an old friend. An old friend she tried so hard to cut off, but could never truly sever ties with. 

But he was here, and she wasn’t alone this time. 

“Johnny...” 

She had to say his name, to double check that he was there. Relief, as cooling and calming as the waves, consumed her when his hand didn’t leave her cheek, or when he smiled, telling her he was there. 

“I feel like dog shit,” was what she said next because, well, she felt like dog shit. Her head hurt, her face hurt, her legs hurt. Everything hurt. The world’s worst hangover, and she was stuck nursing it in Vik’s clinic like some burn out. Like she was Johnny. 

“Yeah, and you’ll feel that way for a few more hours. You’re just lucky someone down the line figured out how to lessen the whole process. Don’t gotta go through that shit with your strung out input shiverin’ with you.” There was something callous about the way Johnny spoke to her, and in a way she appreciated it. She felt like he was being real again. Especially when he just patted her cheek, taking his hand away, and leaned against the bed, legs open and head turned towards the ceiling. 

“So, who was the best to wash out with? If I’m rememberin’ right, some joytoy out in Kabuki fingered your ass while you had the shakes once, just to try ‘n make it better.” Johnny bobbed his head, clearly remembering what V was referencing. There were times where she hated knowing about Johnny’s past. There were good memories there, of course, like meeting Alt for the first time, or the overwhelming highs of playing a Samurai gig. But, there was also all the things that people should never have to witness – feel – first hand, mostly from the terrible things that happened during the war. Then, there were moments like the one with the joytoy that just showcase how much a man could jam pack into 35 years of life. 

“Heh, wasn’t even on a Sunday.” She didn’t get the joke, but she rarely ever did. And she supposed that was the glory of being around Johnny. His head never stopped buzzing with thoughts, and she missed his ever present commentary on her every day life. 

But, she woke up, and the dream that she had built for herself, the one fabricated in the confines of her apartment, during moments of horrid weakness, was gone. And reality, the harsh one that she was a part of, came pouring in, glass overflowing and spilling out onto the floor. 

V was here, at Vik’s, hooked up to machines pumping her full of shit to keep her from going off the deep end while the stuff she put into her body washed out, all because she flew off the handle. Sent over the edge by so many things, from the ever present loneliness once more, to the feeling of helplessness at seeing the world move by. Sent over the edge by Johnny’s rejection, the image of him in the alley flooding her mind once more. 

She felt the same as she did when she woke up in that motel room (seemingly a constant with those two for a while), puking on the floor after Johnny took over. The memory itself made her lurch, only this time the “oh fuck” that came from Johnny was one of urgency, holding her hair as she puked on Vik’s floor. She felt much better after, as she always did, but only physically. 

The reality was, once she was released from Vik’s care, she had a lot to discuss with Johnny. It took a day to be able to go home, and the whole time Johnny was there, walking in and out of the little clinic, giving her this worried look each time she groaned or tried to get up. Which, before, would have made her put what he did behind her. It was easy enough to do when he fucked up so many times before, but now it made the sting of what he did hurt even worse. So many times he had been forgiven, if only because she could feel what was going on inside him. Experience why and how he fucked up, and the remorse he had after. But now, separated, she couldn’t. And it was hard to figure out whether or not he even recognized what it was that happened between them. As they left, she kept focusing on how much of an unrepentant dick he always was, even if he only did that shit to avoid close contact. He even wrapped her up in his jacket, shielding her from the chill of Night City and its recycled air, arm around her shoulder as they walked to the street, confusing her more as to why he was even acting the way he was. So many things left unsaid between them, and all getting more and more compounded.

“Gotta ask...How long was I runnin’ around Night City before you found me?” 

“Had your shit that fried? Fuckin’ three days, V.” She didn’t look at him as he spoke, getting in the cab that was to take them home, ignoring the fact he got in the back with her. He must have sensed the tense air, thicker than the drain water of Night City after a prolonged rainstorm, for he didn’t say anything in the cab. She wanted to scream, to fight, to tell him what it was that was bothering her for so damn long. But, she didn’t feel right fighting now, unsure of where to even begin. How does one begin to explain something that started long before they tied together in this mess? It wasn’t until they were at the apartment, Nibbles fed and pet, that either of them spoke. And of course it was fucking Johnny.

“So, I don’t get a thank you for picking your ass up off the curb? No ‘thanks for saving my life again, Johnny. Woulda had my ass picked off by Scavs if ya hadn’t!’? ‘Cause, the way I see it, if I didn’t suck my up pride to go beg your chooms for help, your dumb ass woulda been skinned and gutted!” Maybe they were more connected than she thought, because the more and more the rage built in her, the louder and louder Johnny got. 

“A thank you!? Thank, you!? You think you deserve a thanks for what you did? Oh, you must be outta your fuckin’ mind! You think I just woke up that mornin’ and decided ‘golly gee, gonna go get fucked outta my head on pills and booze!’? Nah, Johnny, only one in this apartment who would do shit like that is you!” Plopping on the couch, she wasn’t feeling the best still, opting to argue from a seated position while Johnny leaned over the window sill, hand balled in a fist tapping down in a steady beat. 

“Real classy way of puttin’ it, V! Then spell it out for me. Since you, and everyone else, think I’m the fuckin’ worst, tell me my sins! I’ll be the fuckin’ confessional!” 

“Fine! Strap in, ‘cause I got a lot locked in here!” Finally seizing the opportunity, V let it out, barely breathing while she screamed. She gave no concern to the neighbors, or how nervous Nibbles was. She didn’t care that by the end her throat hurt and her voice was scratchy. All she did was yell, because fuck. She needed to. 

“Out of everyone involved in this whole damn mess, I feel like I got the shit end of the stick! ‘Member what we talked about inside Mikoshi!? I told you, Johnny, that I didn’t wanna go back out! That I was gonna stay in the Net ‘cause there was no future for me outside! I was dyin’, Johnny! And even thought Alt said that my shit could be fixed, there was no promise that I’d ever wake up! No promise that my engram would work! Sure, I got Judy to help fix it and make it stable! Yeah, it all worked out! But there was nothin’ that said I would wake up outta that coma!”

Johnny laughed, that cold, sarcastic laugh, the one he made when he thought whatever was said was incredulous. “So, you really think you had it that --”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! You’re not gonna pull this shit with me, ‘cause, fuck! I need you to listen to what I went through. You weren’t there!” Johnny just rolled his eyes, puffing more of his cigarette, while V continued on, volume ever increasing in frantic energy.

“You pushed me through, and fuck! I woke up outta that place so damn alone! My first fuckin’ instinct was to call out to you, but guess what!? You weren’t there! But I had all your shit runnin’ ‘round in my head like a god damn movie! Always playin’ and givin’ me glimpses of you! When I had you with me I wasn’t alone anymore, and then I was all over again! I had panic attacks any time I had to sit with myself! So I went to Judy, stayed with her, but even she got sick of me! So she dumped me on Kerry, who had to watch Johnny 2.0 kill herself on drugs and alcohol! Couldn’t even sleep, so when I say all I did was fuckin’ drink, I mean it! Even Panam didn’t wanna party with V, ‘cause every time I went to the Badlands with her bad shit happened!”

Somewhere in the middle, V started to cry, reliving all the pain she felt over the time that she was alone. And Johnny looked unreadable as ever, staring out of the window, looking at Night City. She almost envied him, getting to be a witness rather than a participant in her shitty little life. 

“And still, despite it all, we worked long and hard to get you back! There was promise again, and I felt alive! Sure, I was still fuckin’ myself up, my brain rottin’ away while you were gettin’ patched up and ready for a new life, but fuck! I could stumble my fuckin’ ass into Vik’s and see you there. And then, like some fuckin’ miracle, when I was at my lowest, after wakin’ up from that coma, sittin’ on my ass for a week, and realizin’ that I couldn’t do shit, that my body was in real bad shape after the engram fucked me over, there you were! Comin’ into my apartment.”

Hands in her hair, V pulled, screaming a little in frustration, trying to sort through everything in her head. Things just blurred together at this point, all the negativity becoming too much to hold on to. It had been so long since she hurt like this, the only time in recent memory was when she was dealing with the grief of losing Jackie.

“And shit, things felt normal for a day or two! Then, I just kept gettin’ fucked! Over and over again! First, I get fuckin’ fired from my job! Then, you’re gone most of the day and I’m alone again! And I fuckin’ told you! Told you that this shit was eatin’ me alive, and wanna know what happened!? You started treatin’ me like everyone else! I’m not delicate, Johnny! You know that! Out of everyone...you know! Sure, my body is a wreck, I’m on so much medication that my fuckin’ house feels like a pharmacy, but I’m not weak! And I thought, this whole time, that all I wanted was you! But, it doesn’t even feel like I got you back...you’re not the same...No one is...And I just kept lyin’, to you...my chooms...myself...I kept tryin’ and tryin’ to tell you all this shit...But I couldn’t…And it built and built, and you looked like you knew, but you never said a damn thing.” 

V wasn’t as angry anymore, but her body was full of adrenaline, the energy from screaming leaving her on edge. As she spoke her final words of her grand stand, she shook, tears running down her face, trying to get the last bits out. 

“And, fuck...Seems like you got everything you wanted...You were fine with bein’ in the Net with Alt...Fine with comin’ back, too. Do you even care about things anymore?”

“V…Don’t ask me...” Like he knew what she was leading into, Johnny’s own voice shook slightly as he spoke.

“Do you even care about me? Really? Or am I just another way back to the top?” 

That final question seemed as a knife in his back, the pain evident on his face. But, she had to know. Over time, when he was gone, V questioned whether or not things were like before. If he still cared. Strange as it was, when she thought back to their time fused together, the question was there too. Time and time again, he proved to her that he did, but it just didn’t seem the same anymore. As she said, no one was the same. 

And it scared her.

“You know, V, that’s a real fuckin’ low blow, even from you. So, what, all that shit we went through – did that mean anything? Do you really think after haulin’ your ass all over Night City, covering your back, keepin’ you company while I watched you kill yourself that I walked outta that a heartless dick? ‘Cause, fuck me, guess you don’t see the value in it.” He was calm, but V knew that didn’t always mean what it seemed. For her wisdom, if Johnny was calm after getting something unloaded on him, she knew there was a storm under there brewing. 

“I’m not talkin’ about then, Johnny. I’m talkin’ about now! Now that we’re both here, separate. You don’t need me! So excuse me for thinking that once I’m no longer of use to you, you’ll just dump my ass like every other person in your life!”

“Oh fuck you! What people did I abandon, huh!? I may have pushed people away, but I didn’t leave ‘em hangin’!” Stepping away from his perch at the window, he stood, hovering and pacing near the coffee table, anger on his face. “They knew damn well where they stood with me, and they knew what happened! Most of ‘em didn’t even talk to me at the end! I died --” 

“Yeah, Johnny! You died! You don’t count that as up and leavin’!? Fuck, that’s the ultimate way to do it!” 

“You don’t get it!” Johnny’s fist connected with the coffee table, rattling the objects scattered on it. Coffee mugs made the most noise, and V remembers pouring each and every one. Two each morning: one for her and one for Johnny. Somehow, that action seems strange now, in the middle of an argument. A tender act that seemed out of place now that their apartment became a tempest. 

“That’s the thing, V, you never got it!”

“What? Your fucked up politics? No, I got all that, Johnny! You never shut the fuck up about ‘em! And I know you bombed ‘Saka Tower for Alt, too! Don’t forget, I lived it! Watched the whole thing go down! And fuck, the both of us did it again, too! So, no, I do get it! I get --” 

“You get nothing, V! You have this base view of who I am and what I want! You were right! I did get everythin’ I ever fuckin’ wanted, wakin’ up in Vik’s place and swimmin’ in the Net. ‘Cause, yeah, I didn’t want to go back into the Net, but I was not gonna kill you in order to leave! I made my peace, but fuck! I missed you every second that I could think in that place! And what’s worse, I wake up every morning, happier and happier, ‘cept I can’t even enjoy it! Wanna know why!? ‘Cause I hate myself now! I look in the mirror and there’s something wrong! And I can’t pinpoint it, but it’s there. Got this weird complex, like everyone else is worth savin’ and worth havin’ around, ‘cept me!” 

Like a game, it was his turn to let it out. Scream into the small space of the apartment, their poor cat hiding from all the commotion. And V, for her part, sat there on the couch, watching as Johnny yelled, taking in all of what he was saying. Though she doubted their gravity would hit her right away. 

“For all the bitchin’ and moanin’ you’re doing ‘bout change, have you looked at yourself!? You’ve changed too! Wanna know why people are always so fuckin’ touchy with you!? Because one wrong move and they’re afraid you’re gonna roll off into the night, never to be seen again! And guess what, that happened! So yeah, big fuckin’ whoop if people treat you different! You are different! I’m different! We’re both fuckin’ different!

“And if you wanna talk about sufferin’, what the fuck did you think I did for those three days while you were gone!? In my head, I thought you just left me! Left me alone with all your shit! Every single fuckin’ memory of you! I lie on the couch and I smell your damn perfume! I lie on the bed and my pillow smells like your shampoo! Everything is you, V! It’s always you! That mornin’, when I woke up, rolled over, and you weren’t there, I broke! Felt like the world’s biggest piece of shit! ‘Cause I knew that the reason you weren’t here, the reason you were off God knows where, was ‘cause I fucked up...It was my fault you were gone. And I didn’t know what to do. Didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. Almost pissed my pants ‘cause I didn’t wanna move. Wasn’t until Nibbles started chewin’ my fuckin’ hand off for food that I finally moved. And even then...Took until that stupid thing wanted a toy from under the couch that I figured out what was goin’ on...And by the fuckin’ time I found you, I thought I really had lost you for good. Seen your body dragged off by people before, but somethin’ about this time didn’t...I hated it, V.”

By the end, he suffered the same fate as V, winded and shaky, both parties unsure of where to go and what to say next. V patted the cushion beside her, inviting Johnny to take a seat – be near her. She wanted him there, and she was glad when he sat down, legs spread as always, arms resting on his thighs. His head titled up, and she mirrored him, staring up at the same spot. 

“So, found my stash...Makes sense...Tried hidin’ from you...Didn’t really know how to even tell you that the one thing you left in me was this desire to just...Fade away, I guess.” 

He took in a deep breath, and V did the same. In a way, it was nice to be able to copy him, making her feel connected in a way they hadn’t been for a while. 

“Guess it’s the same reason I didn’t wanna tell you that what was left inside me is the part of you that hates yourself...Got me thinkin’, though. Were they always a part of us, or did they get left behind? ‘Cause, I have this real hard time figurin’ out where you end and I begin.” 

V shifted, her leg touching his, her shoulder pressed to his. As she did it, her brain almost didn’t register that he was another body. The lines between them so blurred that their brains really couldn’t pick which one was which, mixing their experiences and personalities together. Only, they didn’t mix well. Like oil and water, only vigorous shaking could mix them, and even then it was never a complete emulsion. He said it eloquently once, that he and V fit together like dick and cunt. 

The problem was, and always has been, those are two separate organs. They are two separate people. And neither knew how to deal with the problems from the other in healthy ways. 

“Ya know...I haven’t been able to figure that shit out for a while. On one hand not havin’ you in my head is torture. I can’t just call on you to give me advice, or tell me when things are fucked beyond repair. Can’t just will you into existence, gettin’ your stupid ass input on things. And, fuck...I just miss you. I’ve missed you for a long time. All the time. It’s stupid. On the other hand, I haven’t felt like myself in so long, I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s like you said, I dunno where I end and you begin.” 

“So this is where that landed us.” He didn’t make a move to open the window, or even warn V, before he started smoking. And as much as she hated the fact her apartment was going to end up smelling like an ash tray before the end of this whole ordeal, V didn’t much care. She was too tired to care. 

“What? Ended up back at the start? Could bash my head into the window, smack me around, and tell me you’re gonna kill me for old time’s sake. Have a real do over.” They both chuckled at the memory, everything from before they liked each other – cared about each other – such a distant thing. But, her point still stood. For all their yelling and screaming, they got nowhere. The only pay off now was that they were too tired to continue on, but it did them no good.

“V, if I did that to you now, I’d feel even worse than I did when you caught me with my pants down. Though, I gotta ask, why did that set you off?”

The question hung in the air, and V made no move to answer it. That was the event that set off the whole chain – the domino that fell. She knew the answer, and she knew he likely knew the answer as well. Instead she countered with her own question, maybe coaxing him into saying what they both knew as the truth. 

“Why’d you even proposition that woman?” 

Just as she did not answer his question, he made no move to answer hers. Because, like her knowing that he knew her answer, she knew his. And neither were ready to admit those feelings to the other just yet. 

“We’re real fucked, V. Gotta say, never expected my next big step in life to be this dysfunctional. Then again, never expected to make it outta the Relic, so I suppose my next step was the big sleep.” 

“Don’t make me laugh, every step you make is dysfunctional. But, fuck, so are all of mine. Where do we go from here, Johnny?” 

Throwing the cigarette into a mug with a little coffee left in it, Johnny stayed hunched over, elbows near his knees. “Vik said we needed therapy. I’m thinkin’ he’s right.” 

“He’s typically right, yeah.” Thinking on it, the problem was that no person in their right mind would believe Johnny and V’s story. No one is equipped to help them with a problem that is so uniquely them, and it wasn’t like they were about to beg Arasaka for some therapy for damages they caused. But, V was resourceful, and she thought of one way maybe things could resolved, one way or another. 

“Gonna sound crazy as fuck, but I think I know a way to help.”

Getting up, Johnny stretched, wincing a little as he did. Studying him, V finally registered the state of his face, all the bruises and blood staining it. She figured she looked worse for wear, but she wasn’t sure how Johnny somehow ended up looking similar. 

“But, I’ll tell you tomorrow. Don’t really feel like hashin’ out a plan ‘til I’m fully rested. Still kinda feel like shit. And you look pretty fucked up too. Get in a brawl lookin’ for me?” 

Johnny laughed, rubbing his jaw and nose. “Somethin’ like that. Your chooms are somethin’ else, V. Only one who didn’t smack the shit outta me was Judy, even though she’s the one who kept tellin’ me she would.” 

V laughed, thinking about how weird it must have been for Johnny to hang around her friends. Then again, he’s known them just about as long as she has, having seen all that they went through. Even if they didn’t know it, he was just as much a part of their friendship. 

“Yeah, she’s all bark and rarely bites. Though, when she does, she aims to kill, so you’re pretty lucky you were spared. I’ll take guesses, though. River went for the jaw, Panam went for the nose. And, if I know Panam, she took some body shots too.” 

“Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. My fuckin’ torso probably looks like a banana.” His eyes rested on V, scanning her. Turning one side of her lips up, her lopsided smile made him sigh, shaking his head. 

“Only you would smile at this fuckery. I’m gonna shower, and when I’m done you’re gettin’ in. You smell like shit. Worse than shit, actually. You smell like shit and medical grade disinfectant. The worst of the worst.” 

Their banter, always out of place, was nice. A bandage on a wound that needed stitches, sure, but it was better than letting it bleed all over the floor. 

Watching him disappear into the bathroom, V sighed, looking around at her apartment. The space was still hers, Johnny bringing nothing in to decorate it, having nothing to his name before. But, things were different. There were more dishes strewn about, more laundry to do, and her bed looked a mess. The radio, almost never on when she was here, now had a constant stream of tunes coming from it, and the TV stayed off. It felt strange being back in her own space, a new perspective on what she considered a small prison for a while. 

She was still mad, and she thought that she would likely continue to be mad at him until things were sorted out. They had to be sorted out, for his sake and hers. Mutually assured destruction certainly permeated their relationship, and V would be damned if she didn’t find a way to fix it. In that moment, she thought of the monk she followed around the city, the one who helped her meditate. For a long time, she didn’t think of him. It was such a fever dream kind of experience that she doubted it was even real. 

The words he said, the lessons he taught, were real, however corporeal or not the monk was. Their discussion of two souls, one of fight and one of fear, both belonging to her, played back in her mind. What was strange about the whole thing was how Johnny felt after, stating he felt like shit, only odd because she felt the exact opposite. To hear that both her and Johnny’s souls were hers, that they were already that intertwined, was comforting. 

For all her yelling, all her pain, the thing she hated the most was the loneliness she felt when Johnny wasn’t around. That’s not how it should be, and she knows it. She’s sure he knows it. A reset button was pressed, and now they had to figure out where to go from here. 

And fuck, they needed help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And folks, we begin the healing. The long awaited healing. The next two chapters were the ones that inspired me to write and create this whole story in the first place (minus the other inspiration that is cursed knowledge to the person who guessed correctly). 
> 
> To those who continue reading, and those who are just joining the journey, thank you so much!! <3


	12. Something I Can Never Have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man. oh man. oh man. come get y'all juice

Standing on a bridge in the Badlands is where they ended up. He and V, looking down over the desert, her beater car parked behind them. Misty ended up playing therapist for the day, making them sit in her shop and listen as she guided them through meditation. Out of all the stupid ideas V had, that might have been the dumbest. Though, he guessed he couldn’t have come up with anything better. 

Not like he would have listened to anyone else, anyway. Her other idea was to drag his ass to Clouds, and he knew that wasn’t going to go well, so he was stuck in that damn shop, smelling of burnt sage and incense. And, unlike any random, expensive therapist, she checked off all their boxes. Misty was cheap, knew about the Relic, and she respected them both. 

Everything Misty had pointed out was true. Something about the woman was eerie, always knowing what to say and when. She pointed out the layers that made up the implosion in their relationship, making them consider what made up each layer. 

Layers of resentment, betrayal, fear, loneliness, confusion, and caring. With Misty’s guidance, they talked about it, letting out all the things that made them hurt. The fact Johnny felt like he was in a world where he didn’t belong, so far removed from what he knew. That he felt he was just a replacement V, picking up where she left off. That she was hurting, and he had no idea what to do because he’s never cared about another person as much as he cares for V. That even though it felt like they were back at the beginning, he didn’t know how to start over.

V repeated her own argument from the night before, letting out all she had built up, not screaming this time. All that was left was all the hurt, lacking the angry poison it had. The only thing she wanted was to regain something lost, taken from her, and she didn’t want to do it the same way she always had. 

What it came down to was that these two lonely souls were so sure that they’d always be alone, and so they never figured out how to coexist with someone. Someone they really wanted to be with, despite it all. Souls merged together, they saw all the good, bad, and ugly, and they were so used to being rejected for even one flaw that it was strange to think they’d willingly look each other in eyes. Want to be near the other, flaws and all. 

There was a final layer they had yet to discuss, and that’s what led them to where they are now. 

V sat with her legs dangling off the side the of the bridge, arms folded over the railing with her chin resting on her forearms. He was leaned against the railing, one ankle crossed over the other. It had been quite a while since they came out here, neither knowing where to start. The sun had set, dipping below the horizon, but that blue glow of twilight made the sands turn gray, colors canceled out in the strange light of the blue hour. She drove, so she got to pick the spot where they were going to start over. He had to admit, the place was beautiful, and it inspired him to actually think. 

“Here we stand at the crossroads. Gonna sell our souls to the devil, V?” 

“I’m too tired to unpack whatever the fuck that actually means, Johnny. But if you’re askin’ where we go from here? I dunno.” He looked down at her, always standing tall, and her face was blank, lost in thought about what they had been through.

“We were sent here to reflect, right? Tell me, V, what did you get from miss spiritual back there?” 

“Misty said we had to be honest and open up ‘bout what happened. Guess it turns out we’d been lyin’ to each other. Little hard before, but I guess now it’s easy as shit.” 

Taking out a cigarette, he took a drag before he responded to V’s assessment. “Nah, it was just as easy before. Lied to each other all the time. Thing was, we could just know when the other was bluffin’. Now? It’s not so easy.” 

He could hear her heels hitting the bridge, the dull thud rhythmic and smooth. “Guess that’s true. Left a lot of things unsaid, now I guess we gotta say ‘em. Though, still feel like we’re hittin’ rock bottom. Nowhere left to go but up, and guess this is the first step.”

“V, trust me. Rock bottom isn’t the end. Sometimes life hands you a fuckin’ shovel. Shit, sometimes you just use your own hands to dig a little further. But, that ain’t what this is. This really is somethin’ else.”

She took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. She didn’t smoke, having nothing but her breathing to calm her down, and he didn’t envy that. Another drag, and he was ready to say something hard. 

“I think we both know why what happened...happened. Do we really need to sit here, rehash all that shit? In my humble opinion, I don’t think we do. What it boils down to was I got my dick sucked ‘cause I was afraid to tell you the truth, and you ran off 'cause you were afraid to tell me the truth. And we both know how we fell into this.” 

V nodded, still looking out onto the landscape. “Yeah, I know. Stings, but...Know exactly how we fell into this. Kinda hard not to when you see everything in a person, and kinda like what you see...What happened after, when we started yellin’ – that’s killin’ me too.” 

“What? That we both lost each other in the shit that is Night City? Told people this city is fucked.” 

“There you go with your politics again. Quit usin’ it to stall. It’s that we both have so much of the other inside us. Shit got so tangled, and I don’t...I don’t think there’s a way to untangle it. I still have all my worst parts in me, and you still have your worst parts in you. Showed that when shit hit the fan. But we also have each other’s worst parts makin’ our own problems worse. How do we handle that?” 

Smoke left his lips and he watched it go towards the sky. Shifting, he turned to look out onto the same landscape that held V’s attention for so long. “Who the fuck knows. Gotta figure our shit out first. Figure out if we’re doin’ that together or not, ‘cause this time we have a choice to make. But you know, engram or no engram, the more you know a person the more you pick up from them. ‘Fore Jackie you had no idea how to be kind to others. You were kind, but you didn’t know how to be kind, and he taught you. But you also picked up his minor drinking problem, only worsened when you got to know me. And that’s not even scratchin’ the surface. Know the big thing you got from me?” 

V laughed, coldly, but she was silent, still thinking. “Dunno. I only focused on the fact that I was always pissed and lookin’ for somethin’ to dull my emotions.” 

“Alright, then I’ll give you the answer. Picked up that Silverhand charisma. You knew your chooms for less than a year, and each one was willin’ to drop everything to come help you, like you all had been together since birth. Now that’s somethin’ only my influence can give.” 

This time she laughed in earnest. It was short, but he heard it, and it echoed over the cavern. “Fuckin’ narcissist. But yeah, guess that is somethin’ new. And...yeah, you might have picked up my self loathin’, and I’m sorry for that. I know that shit is rough, and took me so long to even look at myself without feelin’ shame. Though, that mighta been your influence too. But, you also picked up my full range of human emotion. Don’t think I didn’t notice you cried when you saw me the first time after wakin’ up.” 

He laughed this time, thinking about how damn happy he was when she tackled him. How happy he was that she was around, and he was there with her. Made everything that happened after seem even more ridiculous. They could have ridden that high, both packed in his Porsche, heading off on some weird honeymoon. But, that wouldn’t fit them. Wouldn’t be a story with him in it if everything was peachy. 

“I’ll give you that. Mighta been the first time I cried since I was a kid. Also gave me your fuckin’ guilty conscious. But I guess it served me well. If I didn’t have it, I really woulda just pushed you out and locked the door. Now I gotta keep it open, ‘cause I know you don’t deserve to have another door slammed in your face. So, V...You keepin’ the door open or closed?” 

Her body flopped back onto the ground, looking up at him. “Guess that all depends on whether or not we’re gonna actually tell each other the truth. How long have we kept up this lie, Johnny? ‘Cause, you’re right. We did lie to each other – a lot – when we were joined together. Lied to myself every time you picked me up off the pavement. Every time you told me you were there for me...When we were in the oil field and you asked me what I wanted to put on your grave. When you thought I didn’t know you held me while I tossed and turned at night.” 

“I know, V...”

Her lips quivered, clearly thinking of all the lies between them. “Lie after lie, only because if I told myself the truth it would make the end of this whole thing hurt worse. Told you all that mean shit ‘cause if I told you the truth back then you’d prolly just spit in my face. Did the same to me, using your sarcasm to cover it all up. We both weren’t ready to be honest back then, Johnny. Makes me question if we’re ready now. I mean, who holds another choom while they sleep? Who fuckin’ does that? And we still couldn’t admit shit to each other? This whole thing is a fuckin’ mess, and I dunno where to go from here. Not if we’re gonna keep lyin’ to each other...To ourselves.” 

Misty’s session with them came back into his mind, thinking about all the things she said they needed to work on. The biggest one was telling the other the truth. She said that the truth could be ugly and dirty, unpleasant and painful. But it could also be beautiful and liberating, giving the confessor clarity. Keeping up the lie made things so messy between them, both falling on their sword as they attempted to shield the other and themselves from potential heartache. Maintaining the status quo if only out of ease.

They were here to uncover the final layer of what draped them both in so much shit. Weighing them down in ways that made their journey so hard to get through. The final drag of his cigarette gone, he threw it off the bridge, sitting down next to V. 

She changed him so much. Had he been forced to have this conversation with another person before V, he would have chickened out right here. Done something to brush it off, talk about his cock, make some inappropriate joke, or up and leave right then and there. 

Not once had he put his whole being into something like he did this. He promised himself he would change, and that didn’t mean giving up his shitty attitude or propensity for crude comments or jokes. It didn’t mean he had to give up cursing Arasaka and all corps, give up his politics. It didn’t even mean he couldn’t be a jackass to her, knowing well that V kinda liked it. She had opened her soul to him time and time again, and she didn’t shy away from those aspects of him, just as he didn’t shy away from her. But if he was so afraid of hurting her he had to recognize what it was that had the potential to do harm, and it wasn’t his core personality.

It meant he had to be honest. Give up living in his own ivory tower and join her on the ground. Become Johnny the mortal, not Johnny the concept. That honesty made him fallible, human, and that meant that he could be struck down right then and there. In his truth, he had to accept that at times he will hurt and he will have to deal with it. No longer could he run. 

“Hey...I’m gonna tell you this...And it’s the truth. No more lies. Nothin’. Do with this information what you will. If you wanna up and leave, take off in your car and never look at me again, that’s alright. I’m a dick, and I won’t stop bein’ one, and I won’t stop fuckin’ up either. And you won’t automatically change just ‘cause I’m honest. You have work to do too. You know this, I know this. No one’s perfect. But, it’s your choice, just as I’m choosin’ to tell you how I feel.” 

She sat up, turning her body to face him. “The truth?” 

He nodded, turning to face her. “The truth. Nothin’ more, nothing’ less.” 

Reaching over, he cupped her cheek, his thumb rubbing her cheek. She flinched at his touch, and he realized she was scared. If he had to put himself in her shoes, and he had plenty of experience on that front, he would be afraid as well, not knowing what was going to come out of his mouth. He was pretty unpredictable.

“Valerie...” She nodded against his hand, leaning into it more, not fighting him on using her name. The name very few ever had the right, the privilege, to say. 

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
> 
> So *waves in the direction of the chapter*. I'm just gonna lie down, wait until tomorrow for y'all to get more juice kljdslkfjdslkjf. Just know it's not quite done yet :3


	13. Just Like You Imagined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make a reference in this chapter to the play "The Jilting of Granny Weatherall" and I debated on whether or not to leave it in. Then I realized this is a man who said the phrase "gams go all the way up" and yeah. He would make stupid little references. Johnny is absolutely an unrepentant dick, but somehow he also manages to be a clown. What a world we live in

Cold rings mixed strangely with the warmth of his palm against her cheek. Night in the desert always felt a little too cold for her liking, making her previously thankful she grabbed the Samurai jacket from Misty on her way out. Though now, she felt way too warm. 

V watched as Johnny spoke, took in those words, swallowed them whole, and let them take root inside her. Everything about those words shocked her into silence, never expecting to hear them directed at her in such an honest way – even less so by Johnny. But now that they were said, she had to respond, and fuck was she brain dead. 

“Thought I wasn’t your type.”

Feeling emotional already, her lips quivered again, trying to hold back her tears, not wanting to ruin the moment any more than she already had by speaking out her ass. But, to her surprise, Johnny laughed. 

“C’mon, does that comment even matter now?” His thumb rubbed away a stray tear, and she nuzzled into his hand, rubbing her face into it. Choking out her own laugh, she sniffled hard, trying to keep it all in. 

“No. Maybe? Fuck, Johnny, I dunno.” She was certainly stalling, afraid that if she said it back it would be some sick joke played on her by all her chooms and Johnny. The whole thing didn’t feel real, like she was dreaming and she’d wake up in some horrible nightmare. Fuck, maybe Arasaka did get them and this is what happens inside Mikoshi – 

“V, you gonna leave me sittin’ here like Granny Weatherall, or are you gonna say somethin’?” She still didn’t understand his jokes. That didn’t matter to her much, always finding some strange humor in them as well, her choked out laugh sounded strange coming out of her throat. When she locked eyes with Johnny she didn’t much care how strange it sounded in this moment. She was a mess, but at this point he’s seen her in worse states. 

Emotion overcoming her senses, she jutted forward, her full weight on him, bringing him back. Her hands, behind his head, broke his fall to the concrete, moving them to cup his cheeks, fingers rubbing against the short beard he always sported. “I love you, Johnny,” whispered softly before she kissed him, seizing the moment before she feared she would wake up. 

Lips kissing back, it was messy and beautiful, everything that had built between them pushed into a single kiss. All things considered, it wasn’t the best kiss, V’s tears making it wet and salty, Johnny’s lips pulling into a smile every few seconds, but it was their kiss. They could work on making it better later, for they had all the time in the world to do so. 

Parting, she looked down at him, fingers still on his cheeks, his own hands on her waist. The blue hour waned, and in its wake was darkness, slowly engulfing them both. It was getting harder to see him, his dark features blending into the night, but the soft smile present on Johnny’s face illuminated like no other. 

Foreheads pressed together, V sighed against him, moving so her legs were spread more comfortably behind her, slotted against Johnny’s body. “Alright, so the cat’s outta the bag. Feel nice?” 

He snorted, arms pulling her in closer, wrapping around her under the Samurai jacket. “Fuck, you know how many times I’ve said those words? Not fuckin’ once have I felt this damn nervous about it. So yeah, feels nice now that I don’t have to fuckin’ watch myself so I don’t accidentally divulge the world’s biggest secret.” 

Shaking her head, their noses brushed against each other. “Well, hate to break it to ya, but you’re pretty shit at keepin’ secrets. Why did we do this to ourselves?” 

“Dunno, V. Whose baggage do we wanna blame? Yours or mine?” 

Rolling off, V stayed on the ground beside him, the stars coming in clearly now that the sun had given way for the moon to shine. “Alright, got me there. Shit, this isn’t gonna be easy, is it?” 

“Love is never easy. Life is never easy. Shit’s been fucked since the primordial soup. But just like in that stinky, little pond, time keeps moving, makin’ more and more shit. Guess our fate was becoming two star crossed lovers, destined to --”

“Nuh-uh. You’re not narrating our love story like you did the gig with Pepe’s wife. I’ll take my confession back.” Looking over, she saw his smile widen, making her own stupid grin spread even further. 

“It’s funny. Thought that when we confessed to each other there’d be...I dunno...Fireworks or somethin’? Hell, it’s us. Thought a grenade would go off. But, it’s not like that. Got this warm feelin’, sure, but mostly just peace. And relief. Knowin’ I’m not gonna be alone in this anymore.” On her side now, V placed her left arm under her head and her right over Johnny’s chest. A metal hand picked up her arm, holding it up so that both could gaze upon the flesh, a permanent marker of their bond inscribed on her forearm. 

“Ya know, V, when I made you get this tattoo I was so fucked up I forgot what I was even doin’ in your body for a minute. And in that minute I thought to myself ‘well fuck, if I’m gonna love this stupid cunt, may as well let ‘er know.’ You didn’t get the hint.” V’s laugh came out short, shaking her head to cut it off. She didn’t immediately discover the tattoo in the morning, focusing on being pissed off that Johnny had broken her trust yet again, and nursing the horrible hangover. It had taken her almost a full day to realize her skin itched and burned, so focused on other things that a minor annoyance like that was nothing. When she saw it, there was this momentary anger, so upset he did something like this without her permission, determined to get it removed from her when she had the time. But, by the time she had the hours and eddies to spare, Johnny was gone. And all she had of him were grim reminders. 

“The gesture was stupid and trashy, I know. But remember, I wasn’t thinkin’ clearly. It was kinda my promise that you wouldn’t have to do shit alone anymore. Kinda like my confession is now. Oh, and I thought it would deter some boot lickin’ gonk. He also didn’t get the hint.” His face grimaced, and V just rolled her eyes, knowing he’d never get over having to watch that. 

“Jeez, Johnny. Ya know, I’m still thinkin’ of gettin’ it removed. It is real fuckin’ trashy.” They both said nothing, knowing it was probably a bluff on her part. Sitting up, she looked down at him, the backs of her fingers reached over to caress his cheek.

“You wouldn’t. I got you whipped.” 

“Oh? I’m the whipped one? Riiiiight. Okay, sure, you go ahead and think that.” Pauses between them were no longer things to fear. But, they couldn’t stay on that bridge for very long, especially in a heap in the middle of the road. Nomads weren’t known to be good drivers. 

“So, you’re right. We got a lot of work to do to fix all this. But, guess we’re in this together. Question is, where do we start? This isn’t like last time. Our goal isn’t some concrete thing. It’s,” V moved her head from side to side, thinking, “a general idea I guess. If we’re gonna heal, we gotta pick which thing to do first.” 

The conversation with the monk came back to her again. Fear and fight. She knows now which they have picked, looking down at Johnny now. They chose to fight, leaving behind the fear of doing this alone. Nothing would go smoothly, and to think things would is a nascent idea best left to those with less life experience than those two. 

“Could always just head home, pick it up in the morning.” The slight twitch of his eyebrow made her sigh, flicking his cheek. 

Apparently, he chose the lesser known third option the monk left out – horny. 

“Fuckin’ pig. What makes you think gettin’ into my pants will be that easy?”

He sat up, hand threading into her hair to rest at the base of her skull. “Fine, I’ll wine and dine you first. Not used to dealin’ with classy chicks. Got the perfect spot. Ever heard of the Afterlife?” 

That made her laugh, removing his hand from her hair so that she can stand, brushing off her clothes. Reaching down, V helped him off the ground, him grasping her forearm in such a familiar way. She was glad that, for once, she was picking him up, being his guide. 

“You’re a fuckin’ clown. They don’t serve food there, gonk, and I don’t think that’s the most romantic spot to go in the first place. Then again, don’t think you’re lookin’ to eat food.” As he brushed himself off, V let her eyes follow his hands, feeling bold in her new found freedom. 

“You’re damn right. But, that’s not why we gotta go there first. We’re startin’ over, right? Gotta do this the correct way. Got a plan, if you’re willin’ to entertain draggin’ me ‘round Night City one more time.” Unlocking her car, they both stepped in, V still in the driver’s seat. Peeling off, she headed to the Afterlife, the lights of the city coming into view the faster she drove. 

“Alright, I’ll bite. What’s this grand plan of yours?” 

“Gonna quit my job. Fuckin’ hate doin’ merc work, and I’ve been ghostin’ Rogue for a few days now. Not the best look for an up and coming Night City legend. So, I’ll quit while I’m ahead.” 

V laughed, reaching over to hold his hand as she kept one hand on the steering wheel. “Whoa, Johnny! You gonna cut your hair to round off this midlife crisis? I’d ask if you were gonna blow eddies on a sports car, but that purchase is sittin’ in the parking garage.” 

“Fuck you,” his hand disconnected from her own, swatting in her general direction, a playful act that didn’t result in his arm connecting with her body. Action completed, he grabbed her hand again, their fingers laced together. “If I ever cut my hair, take me out back and shoot me between the eyes. And if this is midlife for me, I’m gonna be real pissed. Figured I was here for the long haul.” 

“But, seriously, you’re gonna quit?” 

He nodded, rolling down the window, lighting a cigarette with one hand while it dangled from his lips. “Yup. I meant it when I said I felt like some replacement V, and I don’t like the work. Sure, I helped people, but that’s more your thing. Could always try and convince Rogue to let you do the work again.” 

Thinking back to a year ago, even a month ago, she would have done anything to get back into the merc world. Now? She didn’t know. Her whole purpose for doing her work, originally, was to become a Night City legend, and she had long abandoned that idea. Then, it turned into trying to prolong the inevitable in terms of having her mind taken over by Johnny. And finally, it turned into her trying to make a difference in the lives of people that would be left behind in her wake. 

She had to ask if she truly wanted to return to that life now that she had everything in front of her. Now that she had the option to get it all back, return to what she was before the fall, she didn’t know if she wanted it. In the end, she may have been grasping at something to make her feel normal in a dark time. But was it what she truly, really, wanted? The indecision made her brain stall, driving on autopilot as she thought. 

“You know, just because we’re goin’ to see her now doesn’t mean you gotta make the choice right then. We still got more shit to do after I talk to Rogue. After that, I’m callin’ Judy.” 

That brought her back, her brows knitting in confusion. “Judy? How’s she fit into all this?” 

“Ever since I woke up I had this idea in my head. Plus, she told you to tell me to call her. Wanna ask her something, and she still owes me. Figure we can strike up a deal.” The statement was vague at best, but she figured that whatever Johnny had planned couldn’t be too bad. 

“Fine by me, then. I’ll hit up Ker after all this. He owes me a favor too, and I think I’m gonna call it in.” 

The parking lot of the Afterlife was packed, finding a spot to squeeze into a little difficult. Shifting the gears, they both stayed under the neon glow, hand in hand, mentally plotting out the next steps. 

“Got a new beginning here, V.” 

“Yeah we do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I swear the comment section in the last chapter was like a party sdkfjskdfjdsfsdkf. I was so happy to read each and every comment, just watching the fun unfold. When I post my chapters I just kinda leave them there until I come to update the next chapter, going through the comments then. And I can't tell you how much I smiled. Thank you all :3 
> 
> Still a little ways to go, wrapping up lose ends and other things, so I hope you all continue to enjoy the fic!! <3


	14. Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot of just...explaining shit. Giving context to the first few chapters, but is leading into one of the more tender chapters coming in the next update :3

“You two have clearly gone off the fucking deep end. Have you even thought about the consequences of this? You two have debts in this city, and people will come to collect.” Ah, lovely as ever. The sound of Rogue’s voice brought him down from his high, sprawled out on her couch in the Afterlife. 

“I expected this from you, but not from her. And with the way you walked in here, that familiar swagger, I’m sure I know why she’s so willing to go along with it.” She always assumed the worst in him, and he guessed that was fair, never giving her a reason not to do so. It also wasn’t his job to prove he had changed, either. She wasn’t his input anymore, and what happened between them will always be a point of contention. 

“Take all the guesses you want, Rogue – ain’t no skin off my back. But, I’m not changin’ my mind. So, you gonna talk to me like a friend or my fuckin’ boss?” 

Rogue looked him up and down, weighing her options. “Fine. As a friend. What the fuck are you thinking Johnny? After all that poor girl went through, you’re going to screw with her life again? As far as I know, she’s still out of commission, and things haven’t changed that much since 2023. You still need eddies to live in this city. Not to mention, word gets around in my circles. Her little escapade seemed a little too familiar to someone knowledgable with the company she keeps.” 

“I don’t give a fuck if you believe me or not, but I’m quittin’ so that I can work shit out with V. And yeah, shit went sour real fuckin’ quick – realize that. I know it was my fault, too. Let us work through it on our own terms. Part of those terms include me not takin’ her place. She wasn’t real keen on that, and that’s part of what sent her into a spiral.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw V chatting with Claire. She looked happy. Denying that Rogue was right, at least in relation to their debts and the existence of money, was futile, but fuck it. They’d figure it out. Seeing her happy was worth that. 

“Oh God, Johnny. You look like a lovesick kid. You’re serious, aren’t you?” His only reply came in the form of a nod. Rogue’s discontented sigh made him brace for more aggressive words to come his way, but they never did. The music covered up the silence well, and for a while Johnny thought Rogue would never say anything to him again. 

“She really did soften your edges down. Did what every person before her tried to do and failed. What makes her so special?” 

“Really gotta ask that? You’ve seen her. And as I recall, when we had the conversation ‘bout hirin’ me, you said she was your favorite merc. Plus, she didn’t try to fix me. Didn’t see me as a problem, minus being her brain tumor for a while. Even you saw me as somethin’ to fix.” 

“That I did, Johnny. That I did. And I see where that landed me. Landed both of us for a while. Though, I meant it when I said you’ve already hurt her so much, do you really think being together is for the better? Look at this pragmatically instead of through rose tinted glasses. And don’t pull some stupid shit of calling me jealous of your new input. Tell me the truth.” This woman demanded respect, and Johnny briefly remembers why he fell in with Rogue back then in 2015. Something about her made him a little weak, even now when he was faced with her interrogations. That same weakness made him so determined to keep her in his life, if only because she was always a reliable shoulder to lean on, and because he did enjoy her company, no matter how much she ground his gears. 

His lost love for Rogue was just that. Long since had it died out, if he ever even loved her romantically at all. No matter the case, she was a true friend, and having them both her and V to keep him in check was probably for the better. Balance. Something Rogue often talked about as her personal theory on life. He was still learning shit from her after all these years. 

“Talked with her ‘bout it. A Real heart to heart – somethin’ I never woulda done before. Dunno if it’s the right choice in terms of pragmatics, but it’s what we both want. Rarely does desire match up with what’s practical – you know that. If we were practical we wouldn’t’ve gone after Smasher durin’ the whole Mikoshi shit, you limpin’ outta there barely alive. Wouldn’t’ve tried some weird scheme to rekindle our romance at the damn drive in either.” Rolling his shoulders, Johnny took his eyes off V to look at Rogue. 

“Oh believe me, if desire were practical I would have run as far as I could from you.” Lost in thought, she tapped the touch with her index finger, no rhythm to it. Idle tapping as she sorted through options. 

“Must mean somethin’ if she didn’t leave my ass in the Net when she could’ve, right?”

Her laugh was dark, but her smile wasn’t. Whatever memory she was digging up, it was bittersweet for sure. “Oh, I knew something was up the moment she walked into this club, acting like she owned the place. At the time, I couldn’t pinpoint why it was so familiar, and why I wanted to deck this spunky kid in the face. Only realized later that you were coaching her. Though, after hiring you, I realize more than ever that her success as a merc was all her own. Should have never listened to Panam.”

“Eh, it’s a toss up on whether not Panam knows what she’s doing. But yeah, that mighta been the dumbest thing I’ve seen you do. Minus fuckin’ me and blownin’ up ‘Saka Tower.” 

There was that laugh again, but just a tad lighter feeling. “So that’s my top three? Letting you bed me, becoming a terrorist, and listening to some hotheaded nomad?” Her lips parted in a sigh, hanging her head for a moment. “Might be about to knock Panam off the list. Go get V for me. I want to make her an offer.” 

Quirking a brow up, Johnny stayed put, needing to know why she wanted V. “If you’re offerin’ her the job back, I gotta let you know that she --” 

“What I’m going to offer her is none of your business, Johnny. If you’ve really changed, you need to stop acting like you own your partners.” 

“That’s not --” he stopped himself, not really feeling the need to defend himself, nor explain what he was going to say. “Alright. Fine. But if she comes out here lookin’ like she’s ‘bout to run off, I’m --” 

“Go get her before you make me change my mind.” Her face softened, a kinder gaze on him. “I’m not dropping some bomb on her like last time, don’t worry. I’m truly making her an offer.” 

“One she can’t refuse?” 

“Another reason I regret fucking you. When you’re not being an absolute dick, you’re the corniest person to ever exist, and how those two sides of you coexist I’ll never know. But, this is one she can refuse. However, I’ll doubt her intelligence if she did.”

Rising from the couch, he stood there, swaying from side to side as he thought of what to say next. Deciding on something, he just sighed, shaking his head. “Ya know, I’m real glad you didn’t shut me out. Coulda done it real easy.” 

“Still can – don’t forget. But, I have this feeling I’ll be cleaning up your mess until one of us kicks the bucket.” 

“No promise it won’t be me first again.” 

They both laughed at this comment, finding humor in something so tragic. After all this time, he was just happy he didn’t fuck everything up beyond repair. Whatever the people around him saw, he wished he realized it sooner. He doubts that he ever could without V’s guidance, her assessment of events so very different than his own. 

“Go get V, Johnny. And don’t contact me for a bit. I need to recover from dealing with your shit again.” 

She wasn’t serious, her smile telling him that. “Feel bad for V, then. She’s stuck with me once again.” 

The bar wasn’t empty, but it was still too early in the evening for the crowds to really pour in. Night City lived up to its name, the residents living a nocturnal lifestyle, leaving the businesses to operate on a schedule of little sleep and maximum energy. If he was still jaded and cynical, he may have claimed that this sucked the soul of the people who lived in it, and in a way he still thought that. But, he also realized it gave the city its own soul, seeping into the skin of all that resided there. V’s form, leaning over the bar listening to Claire over the music and yelling, told him that. Without Night City there would be no V. Without V, there would be no Night City either, all the shit she did for this forsaken place. 

Hand on her lower back, she turned to him in momentary anger, ready to deck him for an unwanted touch. Realizing it wasn’t some gonk, she just smirked, sipping the lemonade in her glass. “Fuck, don’t do that here Johnny. Almost added to the bruises on your face. Don’t want Vik settin’ your nose again.” 

“You and me both. Guy’s a dick.” An insult he did not mean in the slightest. “Rogue wants to talk to ya. Recommend goin’ to see her quick – mighta pissed her off a little too much, ruinin’ whatever deal she might wanna make.” 

Jumping down from her seat at the bar, V’s hand patted his shoulder, his own hand lingering on her body until she was too far for him to reach. Turning to Claire, he smirked, leaning over the bar to give her a friendly smile. 

“Sooo, see you finally grew some balls. Worried there for a while that you’d never work up the courage. What changed?” 

“Stopped lyin’ to myself. Stopped lyin’ to her. Not really the best look.” Claire nodded, pouring a drink for another client, slipping it across the bar before she leaned forward again. She matched his smirk, same level of snarky confidence. 

“Good. Called your bluff long ago.” 

He nodded, hand dipping into his pocket to grab out his holo. “I’ll shoot the shit with you later, Claire. Got a feelin’ I’ll be back in here soon enough. Gotta make an important call.” Saying their goodbyes, Johnny stepped outside, leaning up against V’s car, ringing of the holo in his ears. 

“Johnny? Steal my number outta V’s phone?” Rather than being shocked or upset, Judy’s voice was pleasant, smile painted right on her face. From all the time he spent in that apartment in V’s head, he assessed that she was seated at her little desk, fiddling with whatever old tech was taking up residence there now. 

“Bad time? Look busy.” 

“Eh, kinda am. But it’s hobby work, not work work. So I’ll make some time. How’s V doin’?” Seeing Judy light up on the other end gave him the itch to do the same, pulling out his own cigarette to light up. 

“She’s doin’ good. Still a little sore, but it’ll pass. Nice of you to be concerned ‘bout me, though. My face fuckin’ --”

“Don’t continue. If you’re not being a miserable son of a bitch, she’s fine and you’re fine. So, whatcha need?” Both smiled at the other as they smoked. Every time he looked at Judy he remembers the comment V said about Judy being similar to Alt. She was wrong, of course, in most ways, but there was a reason he liked Judy a lot. Liked all of V’s friends to some extent, but Judy was certainly something else. Sharp mind and even sharper tongue. 

“Got a few questions ‘bout the engram stuff and that BD tech you were makin’. That whole engram biz has been hangin’ over V and I for a while now, and I wanna get that sorted out. Since you were a key player there, figure you got my answers.” 

“Sure, that makes sense, but why my BD stuff? Got a few hang ups ‘bout usin’ it on you and V if that’s where you’re goin’ with this.” 

Another drag and a pause. Collecting his thoughts, he didn’t blame her there, but he was smart enough to form his own plans and assess the dangers. 

“Not gonna lie to you – yeah, I wanna use it on V and I. But that’s all dependent on what you tell me ‘bout the whole engram thing. Wasn’t there for the events, in some weird sleep in the Net for a while, so all I got is what Alt said to us in the Net before I went behind the Blackwall, and what V said to me when I woke up. Neither of us know dick ‘bout all this shit.” 

“Oh, believe me, I’m aware.” A long exhale and smoke covered her screen. “Come over. You ‘n I can talk about it. V’s comin’ with, right?” 

“Whenever Rogue releases her from her clutches, yeah. Shouldn’t be long, not like that matters to you. V used to roll up to your place at 3 AM and you’d be awake and ready to chat. You ever sleep?” 

“Yeah. With your girl in my bed too. But alright choom, I’ll see ya soon.” She disconnected the line, and Johnny was left standing there, waiting for V to figure out he was outside. It didn’t take long, and she was walking out of the Afterlife, hugging her jacket to her. 

“So, what did the queen of Night City want with a peasant like you?” Entering the car, Johnny watched her turn the ignition, the car stalling before coming to life. She was biting her lip, Rogue’s offer likely on her mind. 

“Talk ‘bout it later? If my favor from Ker goes through – and it damn better – we’ll have some time to talk it over. Rogue didn’t make me give an answer now, so it isn’t that important. Where to next, since it seems we can’t just sit still.”

“Alright, I’ll hold you to that. We’re goin’ to Judy’s. Sure you know the way.” 

“Judy?” happiness and confusion laced her voice, her face in a weird mix of the same. “Why Judy? Not complainin’, but why?” 

“The other problem we’re havin’ – the whole identity crisis shit – I’m thinkin’ she might be able to help in some way. At least give me some answers if anything. Told you, been meanin’ to call her, ask her somethin’, so now I am.” 

“Again, not complainin’, but I guess I should ask...why Judy over Alt if it’s concernin’ the engrams? Alt did most of the work, Judy just helped in gettin’ shit sorted and running on the human end of things. I mean, our engrams were essentially made by Alt, Judy just got them operational.” V’s tone shifted to something he didn’t recognize in her.

“’Cause, Alt’s not Alt anymore. Can’t trust her, mostly. Fucked us both over back in the Net, and I gotta say I’m pretty pissed ‘bout it. Net turned her stone cold, V.”

“Feel like you really lost her for good this time?” Looking at her out of the corner of his eye, her face was neutral, but she almost looked sad. 

“What? You mournin’ my loss for me? Look, yeah, I still think ‘bout Alt a lot. Kinda hard not to, ‘specially when she’s the whole reason things got to where they are. But, her death led me here. Not real pissed ‘bout it anymore. Not real sad ‘bout it either, knowin’ that it wasn’t the end for her.” He placed a hand on her thigh, not wanting to take her hand off the wheel this time now that they were in traffic. Driving in Night City was always hazardous, but V somehow took the grand prize for reckless driving at times. “But, gotta say. Don’t regret lovin’ her the way I did. Led me to you. Wish I could thank her. Wish I could say sorry again. But she would never listen to either thing. And that’s why we gotta get Judy to help.”

The corners of her lips turned up, clearly hearing something that made her happy. “Yeah, guess that makes sense. I just know you thought ‘bout her a lot...Wanted to know if you still did. If you still --”

“Loved her?” She nodded, and he squeezed her thigh. “I always will, V. Just the same as you’ll always love Jackie.” 

Those two loves weren’t all that comparable, but Johnny figured that it was similar enough for her to understand. He didn’t love Alt in the same way he loves V. She loves Jackie in a different way than she loves him. 

“Ya know, wish I could tell Jackie the same things you wanna tell Alt.” 

“Well, we’ll mourn the people we’ve lost once we got our shit sorted. Make them proud by bein’ better. That’s all they ever wanted for us.” 

“Dunno, sure Alt wanted you to shut the fuck up once in your life.” Laughter filled the car, and Johnny rubbed his hand up and down her thigh absentmindedly. 

“I’ll continue to disappoint, then. It’s never good when I’m quiet.” V looked over at him just in time for him to wink, causing her to roll her eyes. He was certain that once they finally stopped moving, relaxed for a moment, they’d be too caught up in the other to get anything done. It’s why he needed to get all this done and fast. 

Car parked outside the rundown building, the two ascended the stairs, V opening the door without knocking. The same as it ever was, Johnny pushed through the beaded curtain, finding Judy tapping away at her computer, looking at whatever it was that was on the screen. V just made herself at home in Judy’s living room, plopping on the couch. Intruding in his own way, he sat on her desk, drawing her attention to him. 

“Alright, let’s talk. Gotta know, data wise, how our shit got mixed up.”

“Well ‘hello’ to you too. Why’s it matter now? You both know it’s a thing. Kinda regret lettin’ V know, if I’m honest. Think it mighta fucked with her head too much. I’m still hung up on why you want my BD stuff.” 

“Answer my questions and I’ll fill you in. Wanna work things out in my head first ‘fore I start borrowin’ your stuff.”

In a stare-down, Judy relented first, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “Fine. Ask away and I’ll try to answer the questions. Dunno how much of help I can be. From what I talked about with Alt, whatever is in your head now is gonna stay there unless we redo the chips all over again. And I gotta say, I don’t think that’s a wise idea.”

“Not gonna ask for that, I promise. Guess I wanna know if it’s our neural network that’s switched, the data that makes up our personalities, or somethin’ else.” He could almost see the wheels in Judy’s head turning, trying to come up with an answer. When she thought, her eyes darted from side to side, almost like she was reading her answers from a screen. Probably habit from when she troubleshot issues. 

“So, it’s like this. Your neural network is the data that makes up your personality. Think of it this way – when I had to go in and have Alt help me with makin’ the whole shit, I had to grab the data that she had on you and V – all of your personalities rendered to data. In their purest states, they were completely untouched, and that was fine for you. Your body was untouched. The problem with V’s – well, you heard from Alt before you shoved her back into her own skin. So, when we thought about it more, we realized that in order to save V we had to completely redo her engram from you. Basically, we took the raw data from both of you and rebuilt you both from the ground up. Real easy with you, since you were already in the Net in a form we could use, but we had to get V’s data from inside you, which caused a problem.” 

He realized why the wheels were turning pretty fast in her head. None of that made sense to him at all. “I’m not followin’. What the fuck are you talking about? To me it sounds like you’re sayin’ that what V is now is like some weird version of her I conjured up.” 

She shook her head, a hum of disagreement coming from her. “No, not that. When you were inside V, you basically consumed all her memories, her personality – everything. And she did the same with you, which is what caused her body to shut down and rewire itself to handle you. She was physical and you weren’t. You can corrupt data, but that’s easily fixed, and the problem code can be removed. Little harder with DNA and shit. And I dunno if you noticed, but I’m no geneticist. Almost couldn’t do this shit either – I was just lucky it was code and memories.” 

“Alright, so like adding in a sample of another song to your own song. Original is still there and you can find it, but it’s been remixed somehow.” 

“Close enough. Plus, I’m repeatin’ what Alt told me. My job was different – more on the physical side for most of it all – so I’m doin’ my best. So, goin’ inside you, we found what you had stored of V. All of V. It just had your markers on the data so that when we uploaded that V into the chip it completed the brain melting process and revived her again the proper way. Thing was, everything had to be resorted. Puttin’ you back together and puttin’ V back together. Kinda hard when, like I said, everything had your marker. Tried our best, but...Where do you put ‘Hatred of Arasaka’? You both hate Arasaka, and for good reason. And some things were easy. It’s just,” she interrupted her own thought to rub her face.

“Felt real fuckin’ bad about it Johnny. Some part of me thought I fucked up real bad when she started goin’ downhill. Felt like I didn’t sort it right, or maybe Alt put your negative shit in her to protect you. Dunno. And I’ll never know. And I don’t think there’s a way to fix it.”

“Shit, Judy...” Another smoke today, and his pack was empty. Judy picked up the slack, handing him one, using her own lit cigarette to light the tip. “Don’t envy that task. So, essentially, she’s a construct of a construct. A construct made from what my construct absorbed. Three degrees removed from the real V, right? Fuck, you tell this shit to modern philosophers and you could write a thesis.” 

“Yeah. That’s a more accurate way to put it in some ways.” Both paused, and Johnny was waiting to see if V would say anything, knowing she was listening in. She was always snooping in on people’s conversations when she wasn’t supposed to be. But if she was listening, she didn’t say anything. 

“But, Alt told me, before I left the Net, that even though we rebuilt V from you, it’s still V. From her point of view, not much had changed, minus some of the things that got too tangled to untangle – things that were so similar before that only grew stronger the more time you two spent together.” Judy laughed, bringing a hand up to rub her fingers along her lower lip. “Funny, she said that the only reason shit got too mixed up is ‘cause you two couldn’t stop from falling in love. Gross.” 

Another wave of guilt washed over him. Somewhere inside him was still upset that he did this to her. Likely, if she was listening, she had the same guilt, not knowing how to process that they really did make the other worse in some ways. 

“Hey, you’re lookin’ sad. Don’t be. Said it yourself, she was like this before you rolled up. Unless you somehow forgot the whole adventure we went on to get V back. If so, might wanna get that Relic checked. And, don’t forget how much better you are – how much better she is in some ways. You two did that for each other. Still gross how in love you two are.” 

“Man, fuck off.” He tried to hide his smile, covering his lips with his hand under the guise of holding a cigarette. Again, he wondered if V was listening, but she still remained silent. 

“Guess that I know all that...My plan hasn’t changed. Wanted to use that BD shit of yours to see if that might sort things out. When you can V had yourselves hooked together, it was like I was seein’ you in my head too. Connected you two in a way that was pretty similar to how V and I were connected. Think it might help untangle some of the things you and Alt couldn’t figure out?” 

“Can’t tell if you’re askin’ me a question or statin’ somethin’ you’re already sure of. Never can tell with you. But, if you wanna try, I’ll let you. Don’t think it’ll work, since that’s not what I built it for, but then again who knows. Had my mind blown by you and your associates over and over again, so maybe you’re on to something. Or it’s a stupid idea that’ll just give you and V a weird experience.” 

Snubbing out the cigarette in the ash tray, he nodded, hopping down from the desk. “Preem. So why’d you not wanna let us use it?” 

A full face of disappointment looked back at him, Judy’s eyes almost rolling back in her head as she exhaled. “Don’t wanna tell you. But it’s you. Take a guess on why I didn’t want you takin’ my BD shit.” 

Licking his lips, Johnny just rubbed his chin in fake thought, pretending to look like a philosopher answering life’s questions. “That shit saved to your computer?” 

“No.”

“Then you got nothin’ to worry ‘bout Judy.” 

“Alright, I’m done with you. V! C’mere!” At her command, V walked in, holding back a laugh. 

“Y-yeah?” 

“I’m handin’ you my shit. Don’t let this fuckin’ gonk ruin it, please? And, if somethin’ goes wrong just lemme know and I’ll come and fix it. Need instructions?” V took the shards Judy held out, placing it in her pocket. 

“You know I do. Not an expert like you. Text ‘em to me?” Judy just nodded, pulling out her holo. 

“Sent them over. Don’t forget to callibrate it perfectly or it won’t work. It’s a little more refined than when we used it last, but not by much. Should be ‘bout the same, so you’ll know if somethin’ is wrong. Good luck, and don’t fuck up my shit, please?” 

V pulled Judy in for a hug, kissing her cheek as she departed their embrace. “You’re the best Judy. I owe you big time.” 

“Consider all your debts wiped if you keep that gonk from wreckin’ my shit.” 

With that warning, Johnny walked away, not offering a goodbye, but feeling like it was never necessary. He would see Judy again, he knew that. Just the same as he would see Panam, and likely River, for the rest of his life, pulled into their little group with minor resistance, even after his fuck up. More than likely, each one was just happy that V was here, safe, and came out the other side with minimal damage. They all saw her in the worst state of her life, and this was a damn drastic improvement. 

After a rather quiet drive, Johnny’s hand still on her thigh, and a quick entrance into their shared space, he watched V upload the software onto her computer, sitting on the bed, Nibbles in his lap, petting the cat until it fell asleep curled on him. 

“You hear all of what Judy said?” 

V nodded, silent still. 

“It botherin’ you?” 

“Nah, just a lot to take in. Kinda weird hearin’ that I’m basically a recreation of somethin’ that was in you. Though, guess you get used to it, right? You obviously did...” 

He couldn’t see her face, back turned to him, somber voice his only indication of how she felt. He recognized it, the same dark realization that he felt when he was told he was just a series of ones and zeros. It wasn’t like she didn’t know she was a construct, but it probably didn’t help that she was a collection of what he had inside him, adding to that sense of loss. 

Getting up, he set the rather disturbed Nibbles in their laundry basket bed, walking over to V. Arms wrapped around her from behind, he held her waist, allowing her to work while he spoke and maintained contact with her. 

“Listen, V. You said the engram makes you relearn how to be a person. Rebuilds you. Experienced that yourself two times over – watchin’ me and watchin’ you. Don’t think that it removes your humanity. We both know that shit’s fucked, and we’re tryin’ to fix it. That’s why you’re uploadin’ that shit into your computer. Focus on the fact that you’re still V. You heard Judy – Alt said you were you. And, I can tell you – you’re you, V. Not much has changed. Still a cunt.” 

He felt her core tighten as she laughed, still focused on getting everything uploaded correctly. “And you’re still a dick. Almost done here. We can pick up our grievances after we get the shit calibrated. Maybe it’ll help sort it out. And if it doesn’t work, maybe we’ll just have a nice conversation. First time we’ve actually sat down and talked in a while – it’ll be nice no matter what.” 

“Got that right.” Slipping the jakcet off her, he let it fall to the ground, kissing the exposed skin near her neck. 

“Okay, let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dangles a carrot tied to a string on a stick* want more juice? >:3c got some for ya tomorrow
> 
> ;)


	15. Vessel (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS, THE RATING CHANGED!!!!

The plan was simple: calibrate the software, sit in a comfy place, and try and figure out if their minds would sort themselves out. That was so much easier said than done. The calibration process was the easiest, Johnny and V easily falling in sync with the other. Being able to be inside the other’s head was like coming home after a long trip. How easily had V forgotten what it was like to hear the constant buzz of Johnny’s mind. With the Relic, it always came in the form of momentary crackles before he spoke, something firing off inside him as he was formulating the thoughts. The closest she could come up with was the ringing in your ears after being at a club, or the constant ebb and flow of the waves in Pacifica. His mind was in constant motion, and she didn’t wonder why he had horrible insomnia that was passed to her. 

The only thing that quieted his mind was her when she drew in his attention. 

“Alright, so everything looks good on my end. Got your constant yappin’ in my ear – so seems normal to me. You feelin’ anything strange?” V was still glued to her computer, making sure the settings were acting normally. So far, they were fine. 

“Don’t worry – got your scatter brained thoughts in my head too. Heh, you’re thinkin’ ‘bout the coffee you left on the table this morning. You know, it was kinda weird tastin’ stuff in my own body after being in yours.” 

“That so? Prolly ‘cause you fried your tastebuds.” Punching in more things, she didn’t verbalize her next question, seeing if everything was coming in clear on Johnny’s end. ‘So, food taste better or worse now that you’re outta my head?’

“Hmmm. Depends on what it is. Coffee tastes better in my own body, but sweet shit tastes better through you. When I eat something I expect to be sweet, I don’t think ‘bout how I used to taste it. Always feel like I’m gonna taste it the way you do.” 

Perfect, calibration was complete. Stepping away, she leaned against the desk, looking up at Johnny. “Huh, kinda weird, actually. Can’t imagine that, but I’m sure it was weird as hell. Thinkin’ ‘bout Nicola. Can you taste it?” 

Johnny laughed, rubbing his jaw. “Yeah, I can. Tastes like how you taste it. Damn V, I missed this.” 

“Don’t think we’ll get to keep this stuff, so better not get used to it. But...yeah. I missed it too. Least this time when I take out the shard I won’t be alone. I’ll have you to chat me up when I’m feelin’ lonely.” 

Leaving the software running, V crawled into her bed, leaning against the wall at the top of the bed, legs crossed in front of her. Johnny took up residence in the spot across from her, hands behind his head reclined back, legs also crossed in front of him. Comfy spot found, now they needed to figure out if this thing would work. 

“What if it doesn’t work? What if we’re just stuck like this?” Johnny’s question probably came as a reaction to her own mind dwelling on the thought a little too long. It was strange to have things fire instantly between them, knowing where Johnny stood on the issue without him even telling her. 

“Seems you’re content with it. Even that bit of you that hates yourself now?” A pit was forming in her stomach, the realization that this really was their only option for seeing if their own minds would just magically fix themselves. As Judy said, nothing short of redoing the engrams again would realistically fix it, and there was the issue of V’s own compromised position. She didn’t feel too bad about carrying Johnny’s weight, but he had this new chance, and she sure as shit didn’t want her issues weighing him down. 

“Don’t go there, V. They’re not weighing me down, and you’re not weighing me down. Think the part of me that hated myself was there all along – told you that last night. Why I want this sorted is so that you don’t have to carry my shit.” 

“Fuck, that really was last night, huh? 24 hours ago I was ready to rip your head off, now I got this warm fuzzy feelin’ every time I look at you.” While speaking, Johnny’s whole attitude shifted, washing over V, covering her in something so familiar. The more she let herself sink into it, the more familiar it became, its pull tugging at her mind until the sheer shock to her system made her a little nauseous. But – urge to vomit pushed aside – the feeling sunk into her, and she recognized it as what she felt towards the end of their journey, an odd calm that kept her level while she was dying. 

“So, that’s what my love does to you? Makes you want to vomit? I’m hurt, V, really.” 

“Oh fuck off, it just hit me real fuckin’ bad. Never noticed it before. Guess it really built up over time, like being slowly poisoned.”

“Again – my love really that bad?” Basking in the glow of it all, their jabs halfhearted and meaningless, she could feel her chest tighten in a way she knew wasn’t coming from her. If his love overwhelmed her senses, it was surely doing it to Johnny, his body reacting so differently than hers. 

“Mine’s just as bad – ‘bout to give you heart attack.” He just brushed her off, a snort and a head shake his only response. Closing her eyes, she tried to steady herself – see if she could feel if things were changing inside her. With the Relic, it wasn’t something she recognized until later, but his influence and change over her was almost instantaneous. There were noticeable changes by the end, but it had to start somewhere. Without knowing what it was, she chalked it up to a sort of ‘brain fog’ from being shot in the head and revived. But no, it was Johnny taking over her. 

“There you go again, blamin’ your lack of thoughts on me. Wasn’t me that made you stupid.” 

“Didn’t help it, either. And you don’t think I’m stupid. Remember, I can hear your thoughts too. So don’t bullshit me there, Johnny.” Hands coming up to rub her face, the fog didn’t come into her mind, only the flood of what Johnny was thinking. “Yeah, I’m gonna miss this thing. Don’t have to play mind games to get you to admit you think the world of me.” 

“What? You think you say nicer shit? We’re both horrible to the other.” 

“Some call that flirting, Silverhand. You should know that.” She could feel him start shifting moods again, but she tried her best to bury that, focusing still on whether or not this was working. There was nothing different about her, and that made the pit in her stomach return, realizing that this wasn’t going to work. 

“Really that bad feelin’ like me? I kinda like it.” He was growing more and more smug, and she had to keep that at bay while she thought. 

“No, it’s not bad. But I had this whole identity crisis this week that ended with me going off the deep end because I repressed too much. And we went barreling into the Afterlife, then off to Judy’s, just so we could try and sort things out. Figure if we’re tryin’ this there should be some sort of pay off.” 

“Or this was all an elaborate scheme to get you to sit down and think for once.” 

“That’s a lie, and I know it is so don’t try and bullshit me. But, I’m startin’ to think that we’re stuck like this. Mixed up every which way.” Picking at the polish on her fingers, she sighed, almost resigned to her fate as being comprised of things that may not all be her. Sure, Judy and Alt said that she was still herself – that what they pulled from Johnny was her true essence. But, something inside her still made her question if she was real. 

It was hard enough when Johnny returned to remember that he wasn’t going to just fade away when she closed her eyes. Now she had to contend with whether or not she was the real V or not. Or if the real V was gone somewhere – lost on a corrupted chip that Vik disposed of.

“V. You’re thinkin’ too much.”

“So, either I don’t think enough or I think too much. Which one is it?” 

“It’s both. You never find the middle ground. It’s always over-planned or under-planned. Went buck fuckin’ wild out with Panam, not a care in the world, but spent days agonizing over the fuckin’ Dashi parade. Which one you think turned out better?” 

“Both ended up fine. Got what I wanted in the end. Sort of.” Neither of those plans really worked out in her favor, but they were at least successful. She didn’t die and she met her goal, even if it didn’t yield the results she wanted. 

“So that tells you that no matter what, shit will happen, and because you’re the one involved, it’ll be fine. You always land on your feet. That bein’ said – I mean it. You’re you. Think if you were somethin’ made in my image of you that you’d still give me fuckin’ lip every time I opened my mouth?” 

Smirking, V sat up straighter, pulling her legs in to rest her arms on her knees. “Actually, I do. You like your lovers with a little bite. So I’m even less convinced now.” Lips falling, V swallowed down the lump in her throat, trying to come to terms with things. “I just don’t wanna lose myself, Johnny. Worked so fuckin’ hard to maintain who I was before. Yeah, I gave in to a lot of your demands, but...I still felt like me. There were times where we blurred together – hell, there are still times where I feel like that – but at the end of the day I still felt like me. Now? Sometimes I just don’t know...”

“Sounds like bein’ 28 to me.” While his words were dismissive, they were only placeholders. Finding a way to explain that in his mind he was going through what it was like to be 28. Back then, he was trying to deal with all the things that fell through in his life. He had lost Alt, lost Samurai for a while, was so high he couldn’t remember his own name half the time, had been blackmailed by a record label, and didn’t have a person to call on when he needed someone. Everyone, by that point, had left Johnny alone. And he reacted by curling up into himself even more, creating armored layer upon armored layer. His own identity crisis ended with him becoming a caricature of who he was inside. 

“Want that to be you?” She guessed her digging expedition was felt, and she leaned back again, a long sigh leaving her lips. She really didn’t want to be like that. Not that she expected herself to be, having so many things Johnny never did, but even a fraction of that was pretty bad. Had she not had the friends she did – had she not had Johnny – she would have been dragged away by Scavs that night. There was a lot to be thankful for, but there was a lot to improve in her life. 

The moment she thought of the word ‘Scavs’, Johnny’s memories of the night flared up, the scene playing before her like a sped up movie. All the guilt, the fear, the absolute despair, hung heavy between them. When she dug a little more, the morbid curiosity overtaking her, she found the exact moment he panicked about his feelings for her, trying so hard to push her away to save her from what he felt was a fate worse than death. His mind didn’t stop her from digging, but the pain amplified, like beating on a door, louder and louder. Until she got to the bottom, where that small part of Johnny that was curled away under all that armor was kept, crying out to be loved. Her lips twitched into a smile, thinking it was like a porcupine, all the spines protecting a tender heart. 

“That’s what you came up with as a simile? A porcupine?” His absolute disgust at that made her laugh, nodding her head.

“Well I’m right. Want you to know...I’m still choosin’ to stick with you despite it all. I know full well what you did to everyone before me. Why you did it too. And I can also see the promise you made to yourself to try and change. Don’t try and hide it all from me just ‘cause you think I’ll be hurt by it. No, I’m not gonna excuse your shit behavior – especially if you go out and fuck around, but that’s not all you are, and that’s not all you can do. Right now, I can feel how deeply you love me. I wanna have you by my side ‘cause I know the real Johnny. My little porcupine.” 

“Quit callin’ me that, it’s sickening.” She giggled and he huffed, continuing on. “You know what, you quit havin’ your identity crisis. That shit right there should confirm you’re the same V you’ve always been.” He may outwardly hate the comparison, but she still maintained that she was right in her assessment. 

As the moment passed, she closed her eyes again, trying to see if something else had changed. Nothing. And that pit came back, truly resigning herself this time. There really wasn’t an easy fix to their problem, and she really was hoping for a quick fix to set things right again. It was daunting to think that she still had this long road ahead of her, having been on such an adventure already. Hell, her whole life was an adventure, and she wasn’t too keen on adding another harrowing tale to The Book of V. Every time she embarked on something death followed in its wake, and she had slipped in her previous journey. She allowed herself to pick up people she loved along the way, and if she was going to have to set out again she could lose it all. 

“Hey,” there was movement on the bed, Johnny crawling up to place himself between her legs, metal arm on the wall behind her, flesh hand caressing her cheek, “when we said that shit on the bridge, we decided to do this together. You’re not the only one with a long road ahead of them. Gonna leave me to go it alone?” 

“Fuck no.” 

“Then don’t think I’ll leave you behind either.” Leaning into him, V allowed herself to relax into his touch, reaching up her own hand to touch his cheek, mirroring his action. “I’ve made so many promises to you, V, and I don’t intend on going back on them.”

“Hold ya to it, Johnny. Take this as my promise to you.” Tracing down his cheek to his neck, her fingers gripped the chain of his dog tags, pulling him into a kiss. Her intention was to share this sweet moment, seal their resolution with a kiss, but neither moved to disconnect. His metal arm dropped from its place on the wall, his weight down on her body, holding her close to him. V wrapped her arms around his neck, falling into the motion of kissing him. 

The pit in her stomach was replaced with desire, trying hard not to let her heavy breathing and soft noises grab Johnny’s attention. Normally, there was no reason to be coy, but she seriously doubted that Judy wanted them to keep scrolling while they fucked, if it even went that far. Hell, she doubted that Judy even wanted to know that they kissed while using her tech, even if she scrolled porn for a living. It’s a little different when it’s two of your chooms. But, she didn’t really know what she expected, finally alone with Johnny. 

“Told ya you think too much. Most chicks just focus on where I’m gonna slip my hands next.” His lips kissed her cheek and down her neck as he spoke, making her bite her lips and close her eyes to keep composed. Soft bites to softer flesh made her whimper softly, trying so hard to keep it together. 

“That so? Ever been in another chick’s head before?” A light gasp came from her as he bit down a little harder, the sharp pain erased with sensual kisses. His hair was long enough to twirl between her fingers from their place around his neck, focusing on that to keep herself from being pulled into this before she stopped scrolling. 

“Nah, just yours. And right now, you’re tryin’ to get me to stop so you can shut the BD shit down. Girl scrolls smut all day, and I’ve always wanted to make a sex --” 

“Okay, we’re not going there!” Pressing behind his ear, V pulled the shard from his slot, pushing him off, and scrambled from the bed, almost tripping over scattered clothes and getting tangled in the sheets. On shaky legs, she went over to her computer, removing her own shard, placing everything back in its rightful place. She stopped the software, fully intending to crawl back in that bed as fast as she could. Loud music flooded her senses, the beginnings of a Samurai album playing in her ears. Whipping around to ask what the hell he was thinking landed her against the wall, pushed against it by Johnny’s shirtless form. 

“Fuck, Johnny...To a Samurai album? You really are all in your own head, huh?” She wanted to tease him, but her speech came out breathy and winded, licking her lips as she waited for his next move. A metal finger slipped under her shirt, tracing it up and down her torso painfully slow. 

“I’m just tryin’ to get in your pants. Set the mood. It workin’?” Small kisses were placed below her ear, his voice low and hot in her ear. 

“With you talkin’? Can-can’t say it is.” His chuckle told her that what she said was nowhere near convincing. His fingers finally moved up a little more, slipping into the cup of her bra, freeing her right breast, metal thumb rubbing the bud there. The little noises she let out were covered up by the loud screaming of the music, guitars and drums drowning her out. 

Lips still focused on the space around her ear lobe, his voice dipped even lower, making her breath stutter as she listened. “Those little noises aren’t gonna cut it, V. My goal is to make you scream louder than the music. Guess I’ll need to do better.”

Leaving her body, his hands gripped the hem of her shirt, V needing to raise her arms to lift it over her body. Before it even fell to the floor, V’s own fingers were behind her, unclasping her bra, throwing it away somewhere in the small apartment. Looking at him, she caught him eyeing her form, bottom lip between his teeth. They weren’t strangers to seeing the other naked, but not once had he ever looked at her like that before. 

“Ever tell you how nice your tits are?” Both hands were brought up to rub circles over her breasts, V arching her back a little in reaction. She could feel the heat creeping through her, pooling between her legs and flushing the skin from her cheeks to her neck. 

“Can’t say you have. Heard a lot ‘bout that impressive cock. Gonna show me that?” V winked, eliciting a low groan from Johnny, his head dipping back down to kiss her neck again, open mouthed kisses adding to the heat in her body. 

“Patience, V. Gotta make you scream first.” V knew he was skilled enough to do so, but she still felt unprepared for what was going to happen. His mouth moved down her body, hands slipping to the waistband of her pants. As his fingers unbuttoned and shimmied her jeans off her, his mouth pulled one of her nipples inside, licking and biting it before moving to its twin. Covering her mouth, she didn’t want to let him know she was already moaning like a wanton whore, simple actions already getting the best of her. 

This was short lived, his hand reaching up to swat away the one covering her mouth, moving quickly to press a thumb over her clothed clit, making her cry out and roll into him, the action unexpected and delightful. His mouth moved up her again, the thumb not rubbing her clit coming to part her lips as he stood over again. Dipping it inside, the wrapped her lips around the digit, the flesh tasting like nicotine and smoke. “Holy shit, V,” he removed his thumb, replacing it with his lips, heated kiss with tongues mingling together. She was so focused on the kiss that she didn’t notice the metal fingers that slipped behind the cloth covering her, lace panties parted to allow him access to her. The rubbing of her lips made her moan into his mouth, her head falling back slightly as he dipped one, then two fingers inside her. 

Pumping and curling his fingers, V rolled her hips to maintain the feeling, chasing the pleasure his fingers left behind. One well placed curl, and she was turning to mush on his fingers, uncaring of the crude noises that left her mouth. All at once, his fingers left her, slick fluid rubbed on her thigh. “Johnny, please...” she begged him, not wanting to feel empty.

“Oh don’t you worry princess, not gonna leave you hangin’.” Dropping to his knees, he kissed below her bellybutton, slipping off her underwear and tossing it into the void. Kisses went lower, and V’s hands laced into his hair, making him look up at her. Heart beating in her chest already too fast, she felt the blood rush to her head, his eyes blown wide and that damn cocky smirk accenting them so well. 

“Damn, I don’t think I wanna look at you from any other angle. Wish we were still scrollin’. Woulda loved for you to look at yourself like this, V. Never seen somethin’ so gorgeous.” The whine she let out was so indignant, lost in the heat of the moment. “Leg’s’re shakin’. Put one here,” he tapped his cybernetic shoulder, and V heeded his request, placing her leg over his shoulder, the back of her thigh resting there. Exposed to him fully, she saw him whisper things against her skin, but the sound of the music covered them up. 

Making contact, his tongue licked a stripe up her, mouth circling around her clit to lick and suck there. Throwing her head back against the wall, her grip on his hair tightened, his moan resonating through her as he ate like a man starved. Hands pulled her closer to his face, pressing him into her more, V questioning how he was even able to breathe. Then again, roles reversed, she wouldn’t mind suffocating between his legs either. A nice thought that played in her mind as she let him work, coil building up inside her. Skilled mouth coming from a man with a silver tongue and a silver arm. Tongue making broad strokes in between circles, lapping at her while she came undone above him. 

“Fuck! Johnny! Like that, please!” If his goal was to make her scream over the music he already did so before the main event, shaking as she came on his tongue, his name repeated over and over again. Nerves ablaze and orgasm heavy, Johnny continued to play with her oversensitive bud, only relenting when she begged him to stop, all of it too much. Head finally lifting from her core, he rested it on her thigh, wiping his chin off with his forearm. 

Brushing out his hair with her fingers while she recovered, V came down from the high with renewed vigor, wanting nothing more than to feel him inside her. “You gonna come fuck me or what?” 

“Fuck your dirty talk needs work.” Placing her leg back down on the floor, she didn’t realize how much Johnny was keeping her upright, feeling like her bones had turned to jelly. It wasn’t long before Johnny was back on her body, hands on her hips, clear that he was not going to be removing his pants himself. Picking up that message quickly, V undid his belt, the metal sound of it parting fading into the music as well, while she worked on getting the button undone and the zipper down. In her own act of torture, she pulled the zipper down tooth by tooth, slowly revealing her prize. 

“V, come on...” Even he was growing impatient and probably painfully hard, the outline of his cock visible through the leather pants. Springing free at last, V’s eyes widened for a moment, taking it in. Sure, she had seen it time and time again in his memories, but to see it in front of her now – for her – was different entirely. 

He ended up kicking his pants off, V too awe stuck looking at it to move for a moment. “That impressive? And you thought I was lyin’ when I told you.” Gripping him, her thumb played with the piercing there, still not surprised he had one. Doing so made him suck in a breath, his own hips coming forward in an involuntary movement. Precum was smeared over the tip, and all V wanted to do was put it in her. Mouth, pussy, didn’t matter – she wanted it now. 

“Wrap your legs ‘round my hips. You’ll bust your ass if you don’t.” Expert that he was, V trusted him on that, jumping up to wrap her legs around him when his hands moved down her back, cupping her ass before settling on the space between it and her thighs. One hand holding her up, her back using the wall to keep them upright, his other hand gripped his cock, rubbing it against her entrance. 

“Stick it in me, please.” Her arms wrapped around his neck again, pulling him into a kiss as he slid himself in, slowly filling her to the brim. The stretch was glorious, already so worked up that there was little resistance, but still spreading her wide. They didn’t move at first, relishing in the feeling of being connected to the other once again, kisses long, slow, and intimate. V rolled her hips first, wanting to feel the friction between them, and Johnny followed shortly, fucking her into the wall. 

The pace was set slow at first – rough, but slow. Each thrust was drawn out, unsheathing himself almost all the way before crashing back into her. And each time he did V’s moans came out strangled and loud, the Samurai album playing behind them turning to mere background music compared to the sounds she was letting out. But as Johnny’s freed hand snaked across her hip to play with her clit once more, the pace picked up, V losing herself once more. 

She held onto him for dear life, pulling him forward to press their bodies together more, her back melting into the wall. The slap of their hips was sharp, mixing well with V’s own keening sounds and Johnny’s low groans and shaky breaths, loud enough to be heard over the music. His face was once again buried in her neck, sucking and licking the flesh there, marking her over and over.

Close again, she tried to warn him, but her warning was cut off by her final scream, pulsing around him as she came again, fingernails raking down his back, leaving marks of her own. Johnny wasn’t far behind, a few more thrusts before he was spilling inside her, fluid leaking between her thighs. In their post orgasmic haze, they stayed together like that, holding each other and trying to steady their breathing. 

“V, think you can stand?” She nodded, finally being let down from her grasp on him. Quickly, she moved her hand to keep from leaking onto the floor, dipping into the bathroom to clean up, music turned off while she was in there. Once she was done, she came out to find Johnny lying on the bed, still naked, covers open for her to join him. Curling against his chest, she let herself feel tired, held against him once more. 

“Feelin’ any better?” It took a bit for V to think of why he would even ask that. Her mind was so focused on their intimate moment that she had forgotten what started it all. But, she did feel better. In a way, the sex between them made her feel human again. To be touched and desired, loved and caressed, reminded her that no matter the state of her mind she was still a person. Worthy of love and affection. And, being held there now, it wasn’t a fleeting thing, like a hook up would be. No, she was still adored and cherished, held there against her lover. 

“Yeah, I do. Think you’re on to somethin’ usin’ sex like this.” He laughed, just pulling her in closer, kissing the top of her head. 

“I’m usually right, yeah. Nothin’ beats a good orgasm or two. Been thinkin’ of gettin’ into your pants for so fuckin’ long.” V laughed, knowing he’d never express the fact that he probably felt just as in love as she did. 

“Oh, I’m aware. Just, let me have this.” He hummed, twirling some of her hair between his fingers. It wasn’t drastically late, especially for them, but it was late enough for V to want to sleep. Fading into slumber, she let herself close her eyes against his chest, his heartbeat steady and calming. 

“I love you...” muttered against his chest, was returned to her in the most tender way she had ever heard it. Even the simple words “I love you too, V,” were said with so much behind them, she questioned how they truly never slipped up before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KSDFJSKFLSKLDF WHOOPS!!!


	16. I Would for You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're really winding down here. Two more chapters to go: one to round out the story, and an epilogue. It feels strange that it'll be ending soon, but all things must come to an end

“Mmmm, I think you should quit smoking...”

Tossing the cigarette out of the open window, Johnny turned to look at the source of the words. Naked form wrapped in the covers, V didn’t even have her eyes open yet, still trying to chase whatever sleep she lost. 

“So, why’s it an issue now?” 

“’Cause you’re not here in bed with me. Had to get up to smoke – couldn’t stay here.” Fuck, she might kill him talking like that. She had a point; the only reason he got up in the first place, untangled his limbs from her own, was because he had the urge to smoke. Thinking back, the only reason he picked it up again was because it was something he felt he needed to do to regain some of his sense of self, if only out of comfort for those around him. Back when he picked up that first cigarette, he didn’t have his heart in it, but he felt he needed to. Maybe it was for V, who in her own crisis reached out over and over again for something to anchor herself to. Grabbed at each and every thing that reminded her of her past, and he obliged in certain ways. And in others, he only made things worse. 

“V, if I didn’t get up to smoke we’d never leave that damn bed, and you know it.” She hummed, the noise giving no indication of how she felt about his statement, just a simple, tried hum. Form rising from the bed, she stretched, shrugged her shoulders, and started walking to the bathroom. 

“Wouldn’t mind that every now and then. But whatever, suit yourself. Imma shower, then breakfast, then...I’ll plan in the shower.” Those final words told him well he’d have to drag her ass out of the shower if she stayed in too long planning. Before V, he thought people were joking when they said they did their best thinking in the shower. He was always too focused on getting in and out, if he was alone in his shower at all. 

But, if she could think in the shower, finding space and time to do so when she was alone, he figured he could use his brain for something too. For as much as he got on her case for thinking too much, he was in a very similar boat. And he cycled back to their problems.

One of their big problems was change, and the other was grief. 

In the realm of change, both of them had become very different people. Of course, it wasn’t to the point they were unrecognizable, their core personalities remaining generally untouched, but they handled themselves differently. V had the hardest time with that change, and he figured it had a lot to do with the fact she was never given the proper time or tools to adjust to it. It kept cycling back to the same thing over and over again, her fear that if things changed too much she’d be left alone again. She never outright said it all that much, but all the nightmares she had about finding his corpse, the intense fear that she was being left behind – all those pointed to that dreadful fear of loneliness. And if he and V were capable of change, so were those around her, and if they changed enough they may not want to be around her. Not to mention having all of Johnny inside her as well, taking on some of his traits. He meant it when he said he didn’t wish the fate of another person transforming into another on anyone, especially not the one he loved. But, she was still V; she just needed time to see that a lot of it is all in her head. And somehow they’d need to find the time for her to acclimate to the changes happening around her, getting her to recognize not everything will end in disaster.

As for grief, they really dealt with that in different ways. From how much he thought of her, he knew that he was not over Alt’s death, and likely would never find that closure. When the wound was fresh, he was so lost in ideals that it was hard to process how his grief influenced his politics and how his politics influenced his grief. And that’s not even counting the innumerable lives lost in the Mexican conflict, all the other friends he lost either through death or through his actions, including his own death. All those made him grieve almost daily before he met V. The feelings still drifted in, but she helped him process a lot of that. Through her actions and her perspective on things, he finally got a lot of closure that he could have never gotten otherwise. Process what actually happened to him, face the consequences, and try and salvage what could be salvaged. Likely, without V, everyone in his life left alive would still hate his damn guts. But not once did she properly, with time, grieve anything that happened to her. Misty pointed that much out to her in their little therapy session too. Couple that with the massive changes from a year ago to now? She was on the precipice of becoming Johnny Silverhand 2.0 for sure. 

Though, out of the two of them, only one became a terrorist and destroyed countless lives. She just spent her time avoiding grief by helping other people grieve, trying so hard to dish out advice she would never take. A martyr in the truest sense, unlike what he used to think he was. It was her turn to help herself, his turn to help her. Walk through hell and back just to save a soul.

And, in his own sense, he understood full well why Orpheus gave up everything to save Eurydice. Why he would dare to go into the Underworld and beg for his lost love, agreeing to conditions that were almost impossible to keep for a man so deep in grief. He understood why Orpheus, despite his better judgment, turned around to see if his love was safe. He, like Orpheus, felt the intense need to save his love, pull her back from underneath the ground, and check on her along the way to see if she was still following. Just as he was now, sliding open the bathroom door now that the water had been shut off for a while and V had not emerged. But, unlike Orpheus, he had the moral of the story mapped into his mind: he could guide V, repay the favor of her being his guide, but he had to let her walk her own path – trust her. It wasn’t right for him to turn and beckon her. But, Orpheus wasn’t clever enough to think of the loophole presented to him when Hades made his conditions. Johnny had to trust that V was with him, but nothing said he couldn’t hold her hand along the way.

Wrapped in a towel, V was looking at herself in the mirror, hair still wet and dripping into the sink. Hands gripped the sides of the sink, her eyes scanning her face and body, likely searching for changes. His plan, her hope, didn’t work. He couldn’t feel anything different from the day prior, the BD tech not even coming close to sorting things out. It was a long shot, by far, but if they were as connected as he thought, maybe it could have worked. But no, they were going to have to do this the old fashioned way. 

He was also still pretty upset they didn’t keep scrolling as they fucked. Would have loved to watch that over and over again.

“Whatcha lookin’ at? The marks?” Teasing a finger over them, she smiled, moving away slightly as to not be tickled by him.

“Nah, they don’t bother me. It’s Night City – who gives a shit what someone’s neck looks like? Prolly match most of the people in this damn city now. Goin’ over the plan in my head again. Misty said more shit than just gettin’ us to tell each other the truth, right? Said that both of us went through intense highs and lows, warping our perspective on what’s normal. It’s normal for people to change, right? Normal for people to feel afraid of being alone. Misty said we got trauma up to our damn ears, and it makes us both act in ways that seem so foreign to who we really are.” Oh yeah, they were still more connected than he gave them credit for. Though whose propensity for deep thought was borrowed is a toss up. 

“She also said recovery wasn’t linear, so if you’re still strugglin’ even after all the shit we’ve been doin’ that it’s normal.” He could tell she was lost, still searching for a way to find herself again and keep everyone she loved around her while she did. 

“I know. And I still am strugglin’ pretty damn bad. Between you yellin’ at me that I’ve changed and learnin’ that I’m a construct of a construct, gotta say, ain’t doin’ too hot up here.” A finger tapped her head, same hand reaching for the brush to comb out her wet hair. “Kinda feels like I’m goin’ between states, like when I would flash between you and myself when you were in me. Familiar, but frightening. And there are moments where I feel normal again, and then I think a little too much – and don’t fuckin’ say it, I know where you stand on that – then I feel like I was lyin’ to myself and I’m still the V that went off the fuckin’ deep end.” 

Slipping into the shower himself, he figured he could knock out two birds with one stone, talking to her while also not holding them up once she found her resolve. “Why can’t they be the same person? Hell, not like you’ve ever been one static version of yourself. Maybe I’m wrong, but aren’t you the same person who carries kids out of burning buildings and who shot a guy at point blank range? Think those two coexist together peacefully?” 

Her laugh came with the sound of her brushing her teeth, the clear sound of toothpaste being spit in to the sink. “Alright, I never carried kids from a burning building, but I guess I see your point. Never really been consistent. And for the first time in...ever, I’m being forced to deal with it. Formed my whole life ‘round my job and my goals. Formed it based off bein’ alone, people never gettin’ too close. Things are definitely different now.”

“Been different for a while, V. Just, no one was doin’ you any favors by rippin’ your whole life away from you. Just like no one was doin’ me any favors by forcing me to pick up the slack they created. We got fucked, but we know this.” Shampoo lathered into his hair, he dipped his head under the stream, rinsing it completely before talking while the conditioner sat in his hair. 

“I’ve died three times --”

“No, you’ve died twice. Can you count?” She was feeling better.

“No, I’ve died three times. Got three graves, don’t I? Robert John Linder, the kid from Texas who had the whole world ahead of him, he’s long been dead. Died the moment I deserted the war and became Johnny Silverhand, Night City legend and Samurai front man. Who’s also dead. He died by the hands of Soulkiller. Another version of Silverhand popped up in your head, dyin’ the day he was removed. Now? I still go by Johnny, just ‘cause it feels right, but I’m not Johnny Silverhand Night City legend. Not anymore. He died in your head, gravestone your memories of me, and what’s before you now is likely my final form.” 

“Final form? The fuck are you, some super villain? Actually, to some, you kinda are. But alright, I see your point there too. Metaphorical and physical death for you caused huge changes in your life. So then, oh wise one, how many times have I died?” Even though her words were laced with sarcasm, he knew the question was genuine. He did have access to her whole life before him, and knew the exact moments that she died as well. 

“Also three times. Your first death was when you stopped goin’ by Valerie and turned into V. Lost innocence that you tried to grasp onto, in a very similar way to your freak out last week. Then, V died again when Jackie died. A large part of you was lost then. Felt that horribly when I first popped in your head. So, you were processin’ all that while also tryin’ to save your life...Our lives. Your last death was probably when Panam and Rogue got you fired. Felt like you were dyin’ right?” 

“That doesn’t even come close to how fucked up I felt over it...So I guess you’re right. And, if I died, I have to pick up the pieces and make a whole new identity...Clean slate, right?” 

“Mmmm, kinda.” Rinsing his hair again, he continued on. “Can’t really be a clean slate, since it’s not a physical death. You’re still V, even if you’re changin’. Sure, that BD plan didn’t work in terms of getting things sorted, but bein’ in there felt the exact same, and that counts for somethin’. Made me confident that you’re still you. Got a lot of me in you, but where things ended up last night I’m sure you liked that.” 

“Alright, I can see you’re done bein’ deep and shit. But, thanks, Johnny. You know the right thing to say – most of the time, anyway. Least to me.” Finishing his shower, he turned off the water, being handed a towel by V, drying off in the stall while she sat on the sink, still in her towel. 

“Much the same you know what to say to me. Real easy when you read someone’s mind for a while. So, I’m sure you didn’t just stand in the stream like a depressed teenager, lamenting your lot in life. What’s the plan for today?” 

Her smirk was not as welcoming as it usually was, especially not as devious as that one looked. “Well, ‘fore I decided to get all philosophical, I went through what we need to get done today. Figure that ‘cause the BD shit didn’t work we were gonna have to do this the hard way. Not what I wanted, and definitely not as grand an adventure as our last, but that’s where we are. Also figure I’ll ride out this high I’m in, so, told you this already, I’m callin’ in a favor from Ker. Wanna know what for?” 

“This should be good. Always interesting with Kerry.” 

“That motherfucker owes me the keys to his mountain vacation home. If you’re down for it, I’d love to take a vacation with you for a few days. Maybe a week? Who knows. Got some stuff to think ‘bout, and I think we could use a breather from Night City. You down?” 

Getting away with V, even if it was to some secluded mountainside, in a home likely decorated by some mainstream scop, sounded like a dream to him. Definitely not the ‘grand adventure’ indeed, but they didn’t need that. Both of them had been on enough adventures in their lifetime. And if they were going to heal, maybe taking a breather would be the best way to do it. 

“Fuck yeah I’m down. Never been on a vacation before, so this’ll be a first.” 

Her smirk remained, hopping down from the sink to saunter off into the apartment, completely nude once the towel fell. If this is what a vacation looked like for them, he could not complain whatsoever. 

~~~~

This shouldn’t be as humorous to him as it is, but it is. Watching V’s hands clumsily pluck at the guitar strings was just so out of place. He supposed so matter how good a shot she was, how well she could hack into things, that never meant she could play music. Humming was one thing, mimicking a tune with her lovely voice was easy, but fuck. She had no rhythm. 

Each note, played perfectly, still seemed to him out of place, and the insistence of Kerry to make her keep playing was just cruel. Probably why he kept torturing her. Torturing him. But, he was still entranced, watching V concentrate while the two friends caught up. 

“Feel like we’re back in the old days, Johnny. Don’t hear from you for weeks then you show up at my door askin’ for shit. Lucky for you, I like V, so I’m entertaining this request. Shit, felt like a blast from the past the damn moment you walked in here the first time. Hell, even got some shit guitar playing to go along with us rambling on.”

“Hey, I can hear you!” V’s anger was short lived, going back to strumming, her heart not really in it. Johnny had to guess that now that he was back, she didn’t need the ability to play Samurai songs and other things to remind her of him. 

“Shit, Ker, these aren’t the old days. Air’s shiftin’ again. Plus, you’re not beggin’ me to let you snort shit off me, and I’m not yellin’ at you for tryin’ to remake Samurai songs.” Kerry shuddered, trying to shake off those thoughts likely. 

“Oh fuck, sometimes I hate thinkin’ about all that. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still do all that shit and more, but there’s just something dark about those years. Like they’re cursed or some shit.” 

“They are cursed. But we lived ‘em. How long did it take for you to leave that stuff behind?” His question was met with a laugh, making Johnny stop intensely watching V and turn to Kerry. 

“Johnny, I never left them behind. That’s the fuckin’ thing. I still think about that shit all the time. It’s better now, but it slips in all the damn time. Like a demon.”

“Well, confirms my theory that V and I will be fucked in the head the rest of our lives.” Kerry nodded to that, looking at V briefly before coming back to Johnny.

“I fuckin’ hate talking like this, just ‘cause it feels wrong between us. Mentoring some young artists? Easy. Tell them a fucked up story from our past and say ‘don’t so that shit, it sucked.’ But us? Us? We should be doing something destructive right about now.” 

“Could always talk while we trash the place. Had our best late night convos wreckin’ motel rooms.” Johnny smiled, thinking about the best place they ruined – a shit motel on the outskirts of town, hiding from guys who tried to off them for something Johnny did. “Already got graffiti all over the place.” 

“No comment on the portrait of my bare ass?” Kerry’s mirth at mentioning that painting made Johnny snort, definitely not wanting to bring it up now. And, he had to admit, the fact he commissioned something so symbolic and beautiful was a pretty good choice, seriously doubting V’s claim that Kerry just wanted a nude portrait and nothing else. 

“Still, nah. Can’t trash this place. Though, still pretty pissed at my old manager. Could wreck his house.” Laughing again, Johnny went back to watching V, her picking up confidence and more rhythm. “Actually, still no to that. Not too mad ‘bout that shit anymore, actually. Just only a little. It was momentary, fleeting, spurred on by the confidence your return gave me. Anyway, point is, yeah you’re fucked in the head. We all are. Ain’t a person alive who isn’t. But I learned that just because you are doesn’t mean it’ll always get the better of you.” 

“Got the better of me.”

“Yeah, and I resent you for it. Shoulda been better than that, Johnny. But you weren’t, least back then. What about now?” 

“Now? Now I am better than that, yeah.” 

“Then don’t fuckin’ waste your new life. Take the vacation, stay there as long as you need. Love that house, though, so don’t mess it up. Just come back and do what you do best.”

“And what’s that?” 

“Finding purpose in all the shit we go through in this world.”

~~~~

Keys acquired, shit packed, and Nibbles dropped off with Vik, the two of them set off. V was driving the whole way, Johnny unsure if he could safely drive after all the time he spent away from the wheel. But, they needed to make one stop before they skipped town for a bit. Had to say goodbye to a choom that couldn’t be called on the holo. 

Walking up the marker, V kicked the ground, hitting the little niches in front of her shoes. Her fist bumped a specific niche, her face still somber and dreary. 

“Johnny? I’m gonna talk...pretend you didn’t hear what I’m ‘bout to say?” 

“Pretty good at that, so it should be easy.” 

V nodded, swallowing before she spoke, her eyes transfixed on the name printed there. 

“Heya Jack. Said that if I ever left Night City that I needed to come talk to ya first. So, I wanna start with don’t worry, I’m not leavin’ for good. Still got business here. And I’m not gonna leave Misty behind to just hang ‘round with Vik. Might turn her into an old lady ‘fore her time, and I think you’d hate me for that. We spoke ‘bout you...Had to go to some therapy at Misty’s, go figure. From my last call to you, I think you coulda guessed that’s where that was headed. She and Johnny keep pointin’ out that I never grieved your death, just kinda ignored it while I was dealin’ with the Relic and my own declining health. Think it’s...think it’s time I start. Might be the best thing I can do. Misty also said talkin’ to you to helps, and I trust her. Wanna say that...I feel like I’m losin’ sight of who I am and who I was. Dunno if you saw me on the street now that you’d recognize me. Think from here I gotta figure out whether or not that’s a good thing. I’m thinkin’ it is...I hope it is.”

V rubbed her eyes, trying hard not to cry. Johnny placed his hand on her back, keeping it there to ground her like he always did. 

“Keep you updated on my journey...Plan on makin’ you proud. Got an offer recently. Won’t say what it is, just ‘cause I have Johnny here and I wanna tell him when we’re up in the mountains and we can talk it over. But, I think if you saw me get that offer, you’d clap my shoulders and tell me ‘mija, you’re gonna be great!’” V sniffled, rubbing her cheeks with the backs of her fingers. “Anyway, just know I’ll be seein’ ya again. Call ya soon or come by here soon. Either way, you’re not rid of me yet. See ya ‘round, choom.” 

Johnny wanted to say something, reassure her, make sure that V knew that he was here. That she is making everyone, not just Jackie, proud. But, he promised to pretend he didn’t hear it. So, he just took her hand, letting her dry her own tears and walk her own line. Following her lead, they walked a little ways, with her stopping and looking up at him. 

“You...uh...Wanna talk to anyone? It actually does help...Misty is right, surprise surprise.” 

He pondered the request, reflecting on whether or not he should go see the people he knew that were buried here. When he was ready, good and ready, he’d tackle that grief. That guilt. Until then, he’d settle for helping V. It really was her turn. 

“Nah, don’t need to V. Ready to go?” 

“For once, I am. Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna take time again to say thank you to everyone who is reading this fic of mine. It's amazing all the hits, kudos, and comments that this is getting. I seriously cannot thank every person who has read it enough. It leaves me in awe every time I log on to ao3 to update this fic, and I see how much is left here. Again, it's ending, and yeah there's gonna be ONE more smut scene because I'm just like that, but then an epilogue. Like I said above, it's strange that it's ending, and my only hope is that it had made people as happy as it has made me :3 
> 
> Again, thank you all so much <3


	17. A Warm Place (NSFW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a little different, with shifting POVs, but I think it works :3 just know it's split up into little stories about the seven days of their little vacation, told from either V or Johnny's perspectives. Oh, and it starts with light smut skjfklsdjfksld. You have been warned.

The first day was for them. 

More specifically, they spent most of the first day asleep, tired after the drive. Once rested, however, the day was for them. It was strange, the lack of noise and contact with the outside world. All they had was the other, and it felt like the times where V would sleep out with the Nomads, Johnny in that weird state of dreamy wakefulness while she slept. In her head, he never actually went to sleep, but it always felt like he was, as her mind stopped firing off in all directions, leaving him in a fitful dream. Here at the mountain cabin, all that surrounded them was nature and the presence of the other, that same dreamy tone to all they did. 

Which led to where they were now, Johnny on his back in front of the lit fireplace, V straddling his hips, slowly riding him. If he could float above his body, look down upon the scene he was now a part of, it would look like the cheesiest rom-com sex scene he had ever seen. A roaring fire, V’s hips rolling against him, her fingers laced with his, palms pressing into his own, holding them to the floor, eyes transfixed on the opposite pair, never breaking. Never in his life – with all the experience and escapades he had – had he been loved so tenderly. At least, he never allowed himself to be loved like this, never opening up, allowing himself to be embraced.

“Johnny...” his name on her lips sounded so transendent, a breathy sigh, a moan that followed. Her hands left his, one coming to rest on his cheek and the other rubbed his chest. He used to laugh at people who said they cried after having sex like this, finding nothing but raw desire in what he used to share with others, but fuck. She really could open his eyes to everything, couldn’t she? 

Utilizing the new found freedom in his limbs, his hands found purchase on her hips, running them up and down, thumbs rubbing circles in the skin there. He wasn’t used to tender sex like this, unsure of what to do here, but light touches would likely work. As she bent down to kiss him, body flush against him, he figured he’d have time to learn how. They wouldn’t be leaving this state any time soon. 

The second day was for discussions. 

It took them until about dinner time to actually sit down and talk about anything other than the other’s body, but every desire satisfied for the moment, they had ample room to speak. V thought it was a beautiful place to speak, too. The bedroom had a balcony overlooking the valley, a landscape covered in trees and a small stream. She had hoped to see some wildlife, never having the opportunity to leisurely observe the fauna of Earth, but that wasn’t to be. Scarce for sure, and they really weren’t going to have much sunlight to illuminate the scenery, so she figured that she’d try again tomorrow. 

“Said you were gonna tell me when we got here. What’d Rogue offer you?” The smoke from Johnny’s cigarette billowing from his mouth obscured his face for the brief moment that V looked at him. 

“She wants to take me under her wing. Take over her position as a fixer. Said that I didn’t have to decide right now, but that it’s not somethin’ that’ll last forever. So I gotta think ‘bout whether or not I wanna take her up on her offer.” When Rogue had offered this to her, V was shocked to say the least. There hadn’t been any contention between the two, not since she figured out the reason she wanted to deck V was because of Johnny, but she didn’t expect that things were good enough for her to consider passing her entire empire to her. 

“You’re fuckin’ with me.” Johnny sounded genuinely surprised to hear that. In a further act of surprise, he just let the cigarette burn, not making any movement to smoke while he listened. “Oh, you’re not fuckin’ with me. She really wants to give you her whole life’s work? Why you?” 

“Don’t think I can do it? I’m hurt, Johnny, really.” Her sardonic tone made it clear she was not hurt. 

“Oh fuck off, you know what I’m askin’. She has a son, other mercs closer to her – all the people in the whole of Night City to pull from. Why you?” 

“Asked her the same thing. Her son’s off the table – he wasn’t interested. Don’t know the guy, but somethin’ tells me he’s not a good fit for the job anyway, even if he did want to take it over. As for the other mercs and people...I don’t know. All she said to me was that I was the only person she could trust to not fuck her over. Guess I never really did before. Prolly also feels pretty shit ‘bout being part of the reason I took a fuckin’ nose dive into the seedy underbelly of Night City. And, I’m well known. No Night City legend, but all the fixers know me – trust me. Bein’ honest in that city does pay off, I guess.”

“That it does, V. That it does. What’re you thinkin’ in terms of the offer?” V traced the entangled strings of both things she wore around her neck: the bullet and the dog tags. Nervous habit, she rolled both chains between her thumb and index finger, thinking. 

“I dunno. One part of me really wants to take her up on the offer – find somethin’ to do that I feel dedicated towards. I really can’t do merc work anymore, ya know? Last check up, Vik said I’ll likely never get back to the same level of physical fitness I was at. Plus, I saw some fucked up shit doin’ that job. Dunno if I could mentally handle it either. Again, still mad I got fucked over and fired, but I’m realizin’ I mighta died had I jumped back into this shit. So,” she shrugged, still rolling the chains. “The other part of me wants to know what you plan on doin’ ‘fore I commit to anything. Have you even thought of what you wanna do?” 

Watching Johnny think was always interesting. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn’t, but he always tapped or paced while he thought. Now, seated on that balcony, he tapped both his right foot and right hand, some gentle beat, keeping tempo with his mind. 

“You know, V, I haven’t thought shit ‘bout what I’m gonna do. My main thoughts have been ‘bout you and helpin’ you sort shit out. Which, I’m glad to do, so don’t go and start blubberin’ on ‘bout it.” Finally bringing almost burnt out cigarette to lips, he took one more puff before putting it out in some ornate ash tray. “My gut is tellin’ me to go back to music, but I dunno if that’s a good idea. Don’t wanna make it big in the industry again, but I have the itch to create. Do somethin’ with the only talent I was given in life. So, you make your call, and I’ll make mine after. Night City is a big place, we can make it work.” 

The light from the home was the only thing allowing those two to see anything in front of them now. Stars dotted the sky, and V traced lines between them with her eyes. Once, as a child, someone told her about constellations, and she laughed at them. Partly because if one was anywhere close to Night City they never saw the amount of stars she saw now, and partly because who in their right mind would stare at the sky long enough to make up shapes? But, whether through avoidance of thinking about her next move or the fact her holo didn’t work right out here, she found herself making up her own shapes. 

“Wanna know my favorite constellation?” Johnny’s question had that familiar air of mischief about it, making her groan and sigh. 

“If it’s a pair of tits, a dick, or people people fuckin’ don’t say shit.” 

“Fine, won’t tell ya then.” And he didn’t, but now she was curious. A trait that meant her getting into trouble time and time again.

“You know what, alright, I’ll bite. What is it?” 

“If any two stars are beside each other it can be a pair o’ tits.” 

Even though she fully expected some stupid fucking answer, she still laughed, the sound echoing over the valley. “You’re just a fuckin’ idiot, Johnny.” 

“Fuckin’ right I am.” 

The woes of Night City were long behind them, a laugh still on her lips, it left V to think freely about what her next moves should be. She highly doubted she’d come to answer now, Johnny correct in the fact she either thought too little or too much, and the fact she didn’t give Rogue an answer then meant that she would likely dwell on this for while. 

The third day V broke down again. 

It started slow, reaching for Johnny’s cigarette that dangled on the ash tray, not even thinking about it. Then, she used his shampoo, not looking at the bottle she grabbed. And when she thought it was over, she had put on one of his shirts. For any other couple, these things would mean nothing – habits picked up from sheer time spent around the other. For V, this just made her fear that she was losing herself again. These were actions that made her feel lost before, but even more now that she had been shackled with the knowledge of where her new psyche came from. Was he still bleeding into her? 

“Johnny, what happens if I’m no longer me in a few years…?” She was standing in the little kitchen, holding onto the counter, leaning forward a little. The reflection in the granite top showed her face, but she still thought of the times when she looked in the mirror and saw Johnny. Would her face turn into his again? 

“Then all I can hope for is that I turn into you. Fall in love with each other all over again.” 

Somehow, that stupid little comment gave her some reassurance. It didn’t quell the fear inside her, not wanting to fade away, but at least she’d still have love in her life. And that’s something most people in this world don’t have. 

“You know, you still hum in the shower. All those fuckin’ sad as shit songs. The ones you heard as a kid. Couldn’t hum those fuckin’ things if I tried – only you could make them sound like that.” 

One day at a time, holding on to anything that made her feel like her. That’s all she could ask to do at times. She struggled the rest of the day, but she didn’t have to struggle alone. Each time she reached out, Johnny was there to reach back. 

The fourth day was when the weight of Johnny’s past crashed on him. 

Never had he known beauty like watching V rise from the bed, sheets sliding off her body, standing with her hip cocked to the side, watching the sun shine in through the large windows of that bedroom. The entire wall across from the bed was a series of glass panes, the sliding doors leading outside the only break in the transparent wall. Her body contrasted with the forest scenery reminded him of every painting in a museum of a woman in nature, coveted by many for showcasing what the world held as fair. Her pose, the curve of her body, the shine of her hair, the rough but angelic features she had, all reminded him of the Pre-Raphaelite paintings he found himself drawn to. Damn could Rossetti and Millais suck his dick now, seeing something more beautiful than their models. 

But the more he looked, the more he watched, as V told him she was going to make breakfast as she slipped on her panties and a t-shirt, the more felt that familiar pain inside him. That uncomfortable feeling in his skin. He asked himself before, and he kept asking himself, but did he really deserve her? 

How many had looked at him as something to fix? How many had seen what lies beneath and pushed him away? How many told him he was worth everything and nothing all at once? Had all of them been right? 

It wasn’t until he was face to face with his own legacy, a life he long left after his own demise at the hands of Soulkiller, that he realized how much utter destruction he left in his wake. Never mind the attack on Arasaka Tower that destroyed the lives of countless people, he personally fucked up the lives of his friends over and over again. Through V, he sought closure, trying to make amends with those still left around, and she allowed him that. Those still around, who knew he was still around, maybe hadn’t forgotten what he did, but they gave him a chance to still be around, and make it up to them. 

Through V, he learned to love and be loved in return, seeing a side to him and others that he never had been able to see before. She wasn’t the first to love him, many others did before her, and he threw that love away in the worst possible ways. Countless were the ways that he hurt his past lovers, however long or short their relationship had been. The promise he made to himself now, to V, was to try and avoid doing that to her as well. He couldn’t make it up to all those he had hurt, but he could try his hardest to make sure V didn’t join their ranks. 

But did he deserve that? 

It was a question of redemption, but was he beyond the point of redeeming himself? The answer to that question depended on the person he asked. To Kerry and Rogue, he may not be redeemed, but he was at least let back in. Nothing he could ever do would make up for all the utter shit he put Alt through, and he knew that. How does one redeem themselves after a bombing that went awry? That stupid fuck who crucified himself made him think of that the first time, and V kept reminding him why the thought stuck with him. 

That part of him that wanted to push V away again reared its ugly head. 

“Hey,” V peaked into the room, two coffee mugs in hand, and Johnny turned his head to look at her, still lying in the bed in the same position that he was in when she left. “You alright? Past few days I’ve come in here and you’re outside smokin’. Somethin’ wrong?” 

He just shook his head, sitting up more to take the coffee mug from her hands. “’M fine. You finish breakfast?” He didn’t want to shoo her away, but he found it hard to look at her, feeling like a sinner in the worst sense. Fuck he hated himself right now.

“I did. Kinda why I came in here, but somethin’s off.” She crawled back into bed, mug in hand, sitting next to him as she sipped from it. “Seriously, what’s the matter?” 

“V, this whole thing is for you --”

“Johnny, just because I’m hurt doesn’t mean I can monopolize that. If you don’t wanna talk, I won’t force you, but I’m here. Just like you’re here for me.” The way she looked at him, the sincerity in eyes, made him feel even worse. Like he really didn’t deserve that look. 

“Do I deserve all of this, V? What did I do to to get all this, huh? Jack fuckin’ squat, that’s what. And still, I get to wake up next to you. Get somethin’ most people never get to have in their life. I mean, fuck V, I’m a terrorist who fucks over everyone he ever meets. Fucked you over too. And still I get everything this world has to offer?” Scowling, he turned from her, facing the doorway where she entered. “Yeah, not really somethin’ I think I’m worthy of.” 

The clink of the mug hitting the side table preceded the warm body that came to lie next to him, her elbow propping up her torso, close to him again. “I think you’re forgettin’ all the trouble we went through to get here. And I can’t blame you – sometimes I forget it too. Block it out might be more accurate, but still. Even you said you’re not the same person you were, the whole died three times thing. I feel like I’m losin’ myself, you think you’re too lost to be saved. And each time we talk through this, we get to the same point.” 

“What? That we both keep wantin’ to save the other?” 

“That we’re both worthy of bein’ saved, Johnny. God only knows how many people I’ve killed. Knows how many lives I’ve ruined. But, you said to me once that I did it to survive, and don’t think that your walls weren’t put up for you to survive either. We’re both fucked up people, but just ‘cause we did horrible shit in the past doesn’t mean we’re incapable of bein’ better.” 

“Says the girl who has an identity crisis every time she does somethin’ that reminds her of me.” The callous response came out automatically, but as he turned to face her, surrender and apologize for it, it seemed to be disarmed in her breast, weak smile on her face. 

“Yeah, says the girl who does that. Seems I know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout, huh?” He touched her face and she leaned into it, their love language being soft touches, insulting jabs, and long talks about the condition of the soul. That would likely never change. 

Just as she would likely still feel the affects of her own problems for a long time, so would he. No matter how much he felt he didn’t deserve what he had, the fact was that he had it, and he’d be the biggest fool in the world to let it go. He’d rather not be the hanged man again, opting to change his fate. 

The fifth day was spent in bed. 

Most would say that staying cooped up in a house was a waste of a vacation, but damn did neither of them care. It wasn’t even sex, mostly, though V did enjoy exploring his body, maybe more than he enjoyed exploring hers. No, they just decided to enjoy the other’s company for once, urgency in their day gone. A vacation for them meant rest, and what better way to rest than to stay in bed with the one they loved? 

V couldn’t think of a better way. Even if they did get into a heated “argument” about the state of rock and roll in the latter half of the 21st century, or whether or not she actually read the books she was assigned in school. Playful banter that just took up space while they rubbed legs under the covers. This briefly reminded her why she even went along with the whole tryst with River, the promise of a peaceful life so vivid on his tongue. But, she knew that if she spent each day like this she’d grow bored and resentful. 

Every now and then, though? Oh, she’d impatiently wait for the next day she and Johnny get to do this. 

The sixth day was a resolution. 

In true Kerry fashion, there was a music room in this place. She really didn’t understand the artistic drive that some people had; the need to create that all of them shared. Each time she was forced to compose anything, from a text to a report on a gig, she hated having to think of a response. Her preference was to just speak her mind and let her tone do the leg work for her. But, that’s not how Kerry was. Certainly wasn’t how Johnny was. 

Some of that rubbed off on her, she guessed. She found herself thinking more lofty thoughts, using language she never used before, and that change she couldn’t complain about. It likely led her to where she is now, respected among the knowing parties in Night City. Never looking a gift horse in the mouth, she decided that maybe she should take Rogue up on her offer, not going to squander an opportunity like this. 

She knew, in her heart she couldn’t leave her work behind her. Night City was ruthless, and yeah, she did a lot of what she did to survive. Offed a lot of people. But Johnny discussing redemption and whether or not he deserved it made her question her own status in that realm. In some respects she was well beyond being seen as a generally good person; she had done some horrid things to get what she needed. Very few lives in Night City were innocent, and what right did she have to be judge, jury, and executioner? And in a way, she didn’t have that choice – only being the executioner, the option to judge and decide taken from her – which may have been even worse. Her fixers did make those calls, though. And there were fixers she preferred to work with and some she didn’t, for varying degrees of pettiness and moral obligation. But she appreciated the ones who sent her on noble missions (noble for Night City at least). Who helped the unfortunate souls of Night City. Because, no matter their presumed innocence, there were those who could not obtain justice through traditional means. The ecosystem of Night City depended upon the clean up crew that were fixers and mercs. 

She had the need to help, just Johnny had the need to create. It was the closest thing she could come up with as to why artists do what they do. 

Which, she assumed, is why she found him in that music room, composing some new song. Or maybe he was playing an old song. All she knew is that the tune was unfamiliar, even with her compendium of knowledge on what his life was like and the music that filled it. 

“So, I think I’m gonna take Rogue up on her offer. Become her replacement.” Those words made him stop, looking up from where his fingers plucked the strings of the guitar. Leaning back, legs open, he set the guitar between them so they could talk. 

“Figured ya would. Might help, if we’re both bein’ honest.” 

“That’s what I thought. ‘Sides, think we both owe it to Rogue to make her life a little easier. If she decided I’m the best choice, then I guess I better believe it. Said it yourself, she knows what she’s doing and sees the truth in people. I’m not too convinced, but fuck it. If I royally fuck this up she’ll take me out. Won’t have to live with the consequences.” 

“I got an inklin’ of what I’m doin’ too. Dunno if it’ll work out, so I’ll keep it to myself for now, but I’m makin’ the plan. Think I figured out how to pay some of what I’ve been given forward. I still stand by the fact that Night City’s fucked to Hell and back, but doesn’t mean we can’t try to make it better for some people.” 

V smiled, lifting her feet up to rest on one of his legs, ankles crossed. “Ooo, sounds interesting. Guess you’ll have the time to while Rogue parades me around Night City. And if your plan doesn’t work out?”

“I’ll just haunt the Afterlife and bug the shit out of you ‘cause I’ll be bored. Offer riveting commentary on the filth that comes through the door.” 

As much as that sounded like a joke, V knew it wasn’t. Either thing that transpired was fine with her. 

The seventh day was their last, and so they went home. 

And fuck did it feel good to open the door to that apartment, Nibbles picked up from Vik, and go to sleep in their own bed, deciding to live the lives they were given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER AND AAAHHH
> 
> I said it somewhere on this site (unsure in a comment, in this fic, or in another I've written) but I could watch and write these two fall in love over and over again. Their story just speaks to my sad little soul, and I truly love them. One more chapter to go, and it is such a bittersweet end. Love to all the people who have supported this fic <3


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh geez. Wow. It's finally finished. Usually I save my thanks for the end notes, but I want people to know that if you read this fic, I sincerely thank you with my full heart <3
> 
> This chapter was inspired by another CDPR thing, that one Witcher video where everyone is at Corvo Bianco and they're all just happy. That's what I wanted for this epilogue, and so I have made it so. Also why it takes place ten years in the future, given that it was the 10th anniversary special thing. Anyway, I've written more thanks and info about Johnny and V's life in the end notes if people are curious. Again, thank you all so very much <3

Ten years since Johnny woke up. Ten years since V’s crisis began. Ten years and time had been kind to them. 

Some years were worse than others, of course. Eight years ago V fell back into drinking, still panicking over what she was potentially losing. Six years ago Johnny fell back into the scene after having his own crisis. But, both recovered, and both moved forward. For a while, they were just taking it day by day, trying hard to make their own slice of heaven in this godforsaken world. And that work paid off. 

Ten years, and V was in her bathroom, getting ready to go to her annual birthday dinner. Queen of Night City she was, taking over completely from Rogue, but she still felt small in the city so big. It still felt strange just to do mundane things like get ready for dinner when she was also the same person who held the fate of so many in her hands. Then again, she supposed she always had in a way. Now, she just had a means to make sure the city stayed as balanced as it could, never really finding complete equilibrium. But, certain denizens knew not to come around on V’s turf, and people were well aware of her influence. 

Ten years, and Johnny would be home soon. Tried a stint back in the music industry as a song writer, finding some minor success. Of course, he never attached his name to it, using Kerry to submit his work and get paid through him, and he didn’t stick with it long. A couple of his songs topped charts (and much to V’s chagrin his most popular was about her ass, and she had to live with that fact), but he didn’t want to keep doing it. Most of his lyrics were censored, and he hated it, among other problems he saw. So, Johnny Silverhand, hard rocker boy of the early 21st century, turned to community outreach. V still laughed about that from time to time. He started small, teaching a troubled kid in their building how to play guitar, then it just grew. Now he spent his days teaching kids to play guitar, write songs, and channel their anger towards the world. Later, he admitted this is what he had initially planned when he got back to Night City, but wanted to try one more time to influence the greater world through music. Learned quick that improving the lives of few was better than having the off chance to change the world. 

Night City was still a cesspool, no getting around that, but that didn’t mean everyone had to fall into it. 

Front door to their apartment opening, V heard Johnny set down all his gear by the front door, never bothering to put it up properly. Nibbles, still alive, scurried over to where Johnny was, his low chuckle being heard as the cat neared him. 

“V, you in here?” 

“Yeah! Bathroom!” She was still fussing with her hair, trying to get certain parts to go along with what she was trying to do. 38, and she still couldn’t get her hair to cooperate like she wanted. 

Johnny’s whistle preceded his appearance in the mirror, standing behind her and looking her up and down. “Only a couple of moves and I could have you --”

“Watch it, Johnny. We have somewhere to be in an hour, and I know you, and you know me. We will be late if we give into that. Save it for when we get home.” Ruining her efforts, Johnny pushed the hair away from her neck, planting a kiss there and humming, arms coming around to hold her waist. 

“Hold ya to it, V. You age like a fine wine.” 

“And you tell me that every year.” Turning her head, she kissed his cheek, his chin now resting on her shoulder, watching her as she gave up trying to get her hair to do what she wanted. Looking at them now, it was funny to think that they had such a rocky start. Every morning they woke up to the other, a ritual of ten years, where neither wanted to leave the bed. 

“Mean it more and more each time I say it. So, an hour?” 

“An hour, Johnny. So no funny shit. Go get changed, and then we’ll head out. You gonna drive this time?” 

Johnny didn’t have to be told twice to get undressed, though she doubted he’d be happy about putting clothes back on. “Sure, figure since it’s your birthday I’m not gonna make you deal with traffic.” 

Each birthday felt so strange to her now. At 27, she celebrated with Jackie, the whole world ahead of her. By 28, she was resigned to die. Now, each year felt like she could start anew, ever since Johnny waltzed through her apartment door, alive and well. She celebrated by gathering all her chooms in one place, the rented out top floor of some fancy ass building. Shit, who was she kidding, they were family now. Ten years and no one fell off the radar. 

V still hung around with Panam and Judy often. Even as aging women, they still got into some mild trouble every now and then. Even if that trouble was getting lost in Night City and begging whomever was closest to them to come find them. Judy came around the most, though, Panam always on the road at a moment’s notice. Over time, she and Johnny became close, and the three of them were nearly inseparable. Four of them if Kerry rolled around, he and Johnny still acting like they were in their 20’s at times (minus the substance abuse). When they were all together not a dry eye was in the room, always laughing themselves into a fit of tears. 

River came around sometimes too, but less often than the others. He and Johnny really never got along, and V doubted they ever will. Johnny was a jealous fuck, but that never stopped River from showing up from time to time to catch up. He was always busy with something, so rare was the time they spoke to each other at length. 

Vik and Misty were Vik and Misty. Not much ever changed with them. But, she saw them both as often as she could, always calling when she couldn’t. If she built a family in Night City, it all started with those two, and V was ever thankful for them. 

And of course she saw Rogue almost daily. Even if she had handed the reins over to V she still wanted to keep tabs on how things were going. Or so she claimed. She can V got along well, forming a rather close friendship, one built on that mentor and protege relationship. Claire was also in that group, still hanging around the Afterlife. V ran her fixer biz from the club, but she really was just the owner on paper. Claire called every shot in that place, and V watched her make that place thrive and never lose its relevancy. 

She still called Jackie every year on the day of his death, telling him about all the good in her life. Telling him how much she still missed him, and that she wished he was there to see it all. But every call got easier, and she looked forward to the day so that she could chat with an old friend, turning one of the darkest moments of her life into something not so horrible.

Were people always happy? Nope, but no one expected life to be easy. Still, it was day by day for all of them, learning to survive in Night City. 

“Alright, I’m ready, let’s go.” Johnny came out of the room rolling up his sleeves, not liking his forearms covered for long. Walking to the car, Johnny’s hand stayed on her hip, holding her close to him. At the car, he pushed her against it, leaning in close to her ear. 

“So, no funny business ‘til we get there, right?” A kiss was placed behind her ear, and she was so used to his advances that it only made her suck in a breath, hands on his chest to push him back. 

“And no funny business there, either. Had to send in a merc to collect the security cam footage from two years ago, remember? You can wait.” 

Johnny clicked his tongue, leaving her there to get into the car. Not much with them had changed, for sure. Reaching over like he always did, his hand rested on her thigh, always wanted to be in contact with her when they were together. 

Elevator ride up to the top floor, she always allowed some funny business, but she was glad that elevators were quick. Fixing her dress, she walked through the open doors, pausing in front of the entrance to the top floor.

“Ever thought we’d make it this far, Johnny?” 

“Didn’t make shit. Blue balls’d me in the damn --” 

“You know what, I think I’m packin’ your shit tonight and you can sleep at Kerry’s.” Her little quip made him laugh, and it brought a smile to her face as well. 

“But, no, V. Not in my wildest dreams. Still fully expect for me to wake up one day in a dirty motel room, some random person lying next to me, itchin’ for my next fix. Then, I open my eyes, and you’re there, telling me ‘good mornin’.’ Still get that stupid feelin’ of relief that washes over me. Guessin’ you feel similar?”

Reaching for his hand, she found it, fingers laced together in a movement that seemed second nature now. “Sometimes. Gotta say, I still check the mirror to see if I’ll see your face, scannin’ myself to see if I’ve somehow turned into you. Or that I’ll wake up alone, back in that shithole apartment, brain still eatin’ me alive. But, then...Yeah. I wake up too, and you’re always asleep next to me. And when I wake you up, all you do is smile, and I know I’m okay.” 

“All we could ask for, right?” 

“All we could ask for.” 

Pushing open the doors to the top floor, cheers erupted as she walked in. Every member of her little family was there, happy to see her, wish her happy birthday. Happy that she was alive and well. And every year she cried as she saw it, engulfed in the biggest bear hug from Panam, pushing Johnny away as they embraced and she cried on her shoulder, Johnny rubbing her back like he always did. 

V didn’t lose herself at all. She found what made life worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, another thanks. People thank me for writing this fic, but I feel genuinely indebted to those who have read this fic and have thanked me for creating it. The world is never kind, but I think the message of this fic is to keep trying to find something worth while in it. I think if you play the game right, it also tells you that as well, and I wanted to carry that message into this. I'm undecided on whether or not I'll write another long fic for Cyberpunk 2077, but maybe! Possibly a prequel to this fic, if only because got a third playthrough in the works and I have ideas again. Anyway, here's some extra info on what I imagine Johnny and V's life is like. 
> 
> 1\. They aren't married. I think Johnny is opposed to marriage on so many levels, and V just doesn't care enough about the whole institution to push for it.  
> 2\. V and Johnny don't wear the dog tags anymore. They are framed and placed in their home, though, along with the bullet pendant.  
> 3\. V did not get her tattoo removed. She claims it's because she hasn't found the time, but Johnny knows she's lying.  
> 4\. They have two kids together, and yes they were at the party, I just didn't feel like mentioning it just to leave some things to the reader's imagination/if you the reader don't imagine with kids you don't have to. The oldest is a daughter and the youngest is a son. Both call every single one of Johnny and V's friends "aunt" or "uncle" and are absolutely crushed to find out none of them are blood related to them.  
> 5\. Johnny goes by "John Linder" when he's not around friends. He hates it, but it makes it so that people don't put two and two together. If he really needs to, he just doesn't wear his aviators and puts his hair up, and nobody recognizes him at all.  
> 6\. Lastly, the kids have no idea that their dad was the front man of Samurai. Their son has his suspicions, but he never voices them. Their daughter hates the band, so she never gives any memorabilia a second glance.


End file.
